New month, New challenge: Day 9

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome to the new month, new challenge series where I do 1 challenge a day and share it here so you can do it with me.

Today’s challenge is:

Wear your favorite color today.

Do this challenge with me: https://21dayschallengeapp.com/app/challenge

I was doing this already before it was a challenge. I was already dressed in ourple, but I changed into a different purple outfit.

What’s your favorite color?

Daily Reminder

Hello and welcome to my blog! I have given it some thought and as much as I want to share a daily reminder, it seems redundant, so I will collect several reminders and post them as Monday motivation for the forseeable future. So today will be the last daily reminder.

Today’s reminder is:

You’ll never feel 100% ready. Do it anyway.

Reminder from: https://21dayschallengeapp.com/app/challenge

I’m always hesitant to move forward. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of disappointment. But sometimes you just have to go for it. Kind of like what I did with publishing my books.

Storytime: Why my writing is suffering

I slept at midnight last night.

Woke up at 2 am because it was the 27th night of Ramadan.

Such a special night!

It’s 7 am now and I still can’t sleep…

Been tossing and turning in bed from 4 to 6:30 (while oscillating between reading blogs and scrolling instagram).

Then got up and exercised.

Me: works out for 7 minutes… I feel like a fitness guru now.

Now I sit with no electricity (welcome to Lebanon).

I was going to sit at my laptop and either watch a movie (I watched one yesterday too. I know, I’m deviating from my goal of no tv) or work on my writing but my laptop battery doesn’t last for more than 10 minutes unless charging.

Speaking of writing, I look at the blogs I posted the past week and I feel like they were written half-heartedly. Then I see my views dropped this week and I guess you felt it too.

Here’s the thing. I’m not being lazy. It may seem like it but I’m not. I’m physically and emotionally drained and my thoughts are all negative. You don’t want to know what thoughts are on a loop in my head. Trust me.

As part of my plan to not complain, I’m trying not to talk too much, because it comes out as complaining, comdemning, and criticizing. The 3 Cs that ruin every relationship.

How am I doing?

1st of all, nobody cares. Everybody is wrapped up in their own issues to care about how I’m doing.

2nd of all, I will tell you anyway because that is how I am, always desperate to talk about how I feel because it’s how I process things.

Physically, my stomach hurts and it’s bloated, my foot has been hurting for 2 months (considering seeing a doctor to try to fix it but sadly it’s not up to me). I woke up sick yesterday. Not sure if it’s an allergy or a cold (I can never tell). I have no energy during the day but I can’t sleep after dawn sometimes. On the bright side, my migraines are less frequent and I can still walk and talk and do light housework and read and write and hear and see (my efforts to focus on my blessings).

Emotionally, I feel very lonely. My friends aren’t texting me back. I can’t hang out with anyone for various reasons. My husband is emotionally distant because he is overwhelmed about the situation in Lebanon. I’m also overwhelmed about the situation in Lebanon and other countries like Palestine but my reaction is I need more hugs and reassurrance and focus on my pockets of happiness (for example, the weather is good, even though I’m not going outside, and I had coffee for suhour).

Spiritually I was feeling good-ish because I was crushing my goals but I could do better in other areas. Ever since I did a self assessment tracker a few days ago, I lost momentum.

Mentally, I’m reading a lot but not retaining much. My brain is fried because I’m tired. I’m writing but it’s not my best work because I’m tired and I don’t want to be negative. Negative thoughts on a loop. Or I go numb and dissociate. Pockets of happiness that don’t last long enough. Focusing on what I don’t have, like a job and a car and a 2nd child and the ability to go on field trips and travel to different countries. Then I remember the number of people who don’t have enough food to eat and I feel guilty for wanting those things. I have food, shelter, clothes, and so much more. Some people in Lebanon have to go to 6 different organizations to provide them with basic necessities.

Let me try to be more optimistic. Talk about the good stuff. My son is my sunshine. He really is making me smile, even when he frustrates me. His smile lights up my world. His questions blow my mind. He still gets piggy back rides from me and he loves them. His hugs are healing. He is so cute and adorable and I love his personality. I see in him his dad’s confidence and my insecurities meshed in one. We have been slacking on positive affirmations but I’m sure to let him know that he makes me happy every chance I got. I don’t play with him enough, especially during Ramadan because I’m so tired, but he has become so emotionally mature that he literally tells me “I want to spend time with you” and when he says that, I do, even if I’m tired.

Like yesterday, I had to take 2 naps. He kept waking me up because he couldn’t fall asleep. Then eventually I told him to set up Ludo (his new favorite board game) so we can play. He won.

I’ve been going on instagram a lot but not posting much (sharing stories doesn’t count). I no longer feel the need to post everything I do or to make each picture I take instagram worthy. I take pictures and videos for memories.

I wish I could take my son places and give him experiences but my husband has a very sheltered mindset. He won’t even take us for a picnic. He is 💯 a homebody and me and my son are suffering because of that. With everything going on, I need to go out and breathe (with my mask on and not in a crowded area obviously).

Anyway, I’ll stop here to avoid going down a rabbit hole of self pity. It’s a sore topic, going out. So simple and basic like eating and drinking to some people, but for me, I must beg for months to be able to go to the seaside (which is literally 5 minutes by car away from my house) for 5 minutes.

Think of the people who have no food to eat, I keep reminding myself. I hope one day I get to go out more. I’m trying to manifest that in my life, whether by a miracle of my husband letting me drive (I have a license but little practice), or if my family start going out again and my dad takes me.

I normally avoid going into personal details but I’m explaining myself (which is also something I’m trying not to do) as to why my writing isn’t up to my standards lately.

Also, are you enjoying the daily reminder? Or should I make it a weekly reminder and put several reminders in 1 post? Your feedback is very much needed and appreciated.

Finally, the Ramadan series are on pause because, although I’m still watching animated islamic YouTube videos, I’m not getting inspired to put a spin on them.

If you have any questions or suggestions for me, please share them in the comments.

Daily Reminder

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome to the daily reminder series. I get these reminders on the 21 days challenge app at least twice a day. In case you didn’t notice. I’m loving the app. I can’t talk about it enough! I wish I talked about my books as much as I talked about this app.

Speaking of my books, here’s a shameless plug:

Buy my books on Amazon!

Oh and also…

Today’s reminder is:

Asking for help does not make you any less independent.

Reminder from: https://21dayschallengeapp.com/app/challenge

This is so true! I remember when I was in school I was discouraged by my peers to ask the teacher a question if I didn’t understand. Later on I realized many adults have the mentality that it’s a weakness to show you don’t know something, that you must appear that you’re put together all the time. I agree that you shouldn’t be falling apart all the time in public. That’s what drama queens do. But if you feel like you need help financially, for example, it’s okay to seek someone you trust and ask for help. The people too proud to ask for help usually end up in more financial trouble. If you need help with your mental health, it’s okay to seek a trusted friend and open up or go see a therapist. If you need help moving into a new house, it’s also okay to ask for help.

Some people are very dependant on others and come out as needy and others are too lazy to do things themselves and always rely on other’s help. Avoid helping those people or at least establish boundaries with them. However, it’s usually the ones who don’t ask for help who need help the most. Seek those out and help them.

Are you too proud to ask for help when you need it?

New month, New challenge: Day 8

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome to the New month, New challenge series where I do a challenge each day and share it here so you can do it with me.

Today’s challenge is:

Whenever you have a minute, take 3 full deep breaths.

Do this challenge with me: https://21dayschallengeapp.com/app/challenge

I did this challenge in the morning as soon as I saw it, and it helped with my mood. I was being bombarded with negative thoughts and I was thinking from a state of lack. Taking deep breaths helped remind myself to slow down and think about what I do have.

New month, New challenge: Day 7

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome to the new month, new challenge series where I do a challenge a day and share it here so you can do it with me.

It’s been a long busy day. I’m glad to say that today was one of the days when my in laws felt like family. I don’t know if anyone can relate, but some days my in laws feel like in laws to me, distant and like I can’t be myself around them and I get extremely bored and frustrated. Other times, like today, I get wrapped up in their care and it just feels natural to be there with them. I’m grateful for these days. Anyway…

Today’s challenge is:

Go to bed 1 hour early than usual if possible. And try to sleep 8h every day.

Do this challenge with me: https://21dayschallengeapp.com/app/challenge

I’m half asleep right now but I need to put my son to bed then pray before I can sleep. Last night I slept at 11:30 so if I sleep at 10:30, I did the challenge. It’s 9:45 now.

Do you think I’ll make it?

What time do you go to bed?

Daily Reminder

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome to the Daily reminder series where I share an uplifting and motivating reminder every day.

Today’s reminder is:

Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.

Daily quote from: https://21dayschallengeapp.com/app/challenge

It’s Friday, but my day has been loaded with disappointment. It’s hard to respect myself when I’m treated with disrespect by everyone from my son to my friends. I’m trying to be compassionate and imagine what these people are going through but it’s a bit upsetting when people act passive aggressively towards me. I’m only passive aggressive with people who I can’t be myself with or who I feel very uncomfortable with.

Second of all, I realized something that when I ask for feedback from someone, I’m usually expecting positive feedback. Negative feedback makes me act defensive, so I either need to stop asking for feedback from people who I know will give me negative feedback or I need to learn critical thinking and accept negative feedback without taking it personally. I’m working on being more patient as well but so far it’s a pipe dream. I’ll get there someday.

New month, New challenge: Day 6

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome to the new month, new challenge series where everyday I do a challenge aimed at self improvement and share it on the blog so you can do it with me.

It’s been a day, but I’m really grateful. At sun down, I got to eat to my hearts content (I’m supposed to be on a diabetic diet…cue sugar rush). I’ve eaten 8 chocolate chip cookies in 2 days. Oh boy. I gave the rest to my 6 year old so I don’t eat them. No junk food challenge is still waiting to be completed…

Today’s challenge is:

Write a to-do list for today. And try to make it a new habit in your life.

Piece of cake. I do this every day. I actually started doing it the night before I sleep and add onto it next morning. I did almost everything on the list today.

Do you write to do lists?

How do you plan your days?

Do this challenge with me: https://21dayschallengeapp.com/app/challenge

Daily Reminder

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome to the daily reminder series. I’m starting to feel exhausted and I’m getting less productive, especially in the afternoon. There’s a certain guilt associated with not being productive, even when you’re tired. I have plenty on my to do list, but only enough energy to write this blog and nap (if my son lets me).

Today’s reminder is:

Believe in yourself, take on your challenges, dig deep within yourself to conquer fears. Never let anyone bring you down. You got to keep going.

This is a reminder that I must always tell myself, especially when it comes to my parenting. I often catch myself saying “I can’t do this” but then somehow I do it.

Daily quote from: https://21dayschallengeapp.com/app/challenge

Random thoughts at dawn

So many thoughts in my head right now. My mind is much faster than my thumb (I type with 1 thumb, guess which hand?) . I can’t keep up. I’ve been thinking a lot about something. How wishy washy I am.

I go between wanting to unpublish all my books and edit them to perfection before republishing, and wanting to write more books but write better even if nobody buys them but hope somebody buys them. I find myself wanting something but mentally preparing myself by telling myself that it probably won’t happen, so I can spare myself the disappointment. I start a conversation telling myself that this person is going to act defensive and try to ruin my mood. It’s almost as if I manifest that. I publish telling myself it’s okay if nobody buys my books, and truly, nobody has bought anything since May 1st 2020. That’s a whole year. Then I feel the self pity and that my writing isn’t good enough because who would buy my books anyway. Then I say maybe because I’m not marketing it well. I know what I’m supposed to do. What’s stopping me?

I hope one day I make it as a writer. It’s not about the money, but a book is not complete until it’s read. How will I know to improve my writing if nobody’s reading and giving feedback?

I want to write more about my life experiences, but there’s a lot I can’t say. There’s a lot of trauma and secrets that I can’t talk about because I can’t violate other’s privacy. One day I’ll let it all out in therapy.

That’s the thing, though… One day seems so far away. I’m stuck in this situation and I’m not sure if my urge to flee is legitimate or just my anxiety. I’ve learned to question my judgement because last time I acted on impulse, I almost lost everything, and I’m still recovering. It turned out to be the wrong decision. But how do I know what the right decision is?

So many questions. There is no manual to life. Actually, there are plenty of manuals to life. They come in the form of self help books, podcasts, and youtube videos.

Maybe I want to write my own manual, tailored to my experience. But writing takes so much energy. If only I could play hookie and ditch my responsibilities (just kidding, I would never). My sunshine is my inspiration. He is the reason I started this self improvement journey anyway. Here’s a crazy idea. I’m thinking of changing my blog name from my rollercoaster journey to my self improvement journey. Or it that better as the title of a book? Share your thoughts in the comments below please!

I’m so sleepy now. I must sleep. As you noticed, I began posting 3 times a day, the daily reminder, new month new challenge, and ramadan series. I hope I can keep it up because this girl is tired. A week until Eid. I can do this.