Post operation thoughts

I’m all set. Preparing Marwan’s bag and my purse last night helped relieve my anxiety about his operation. What made me go to bed at 12:30am instead of staying up all night out of stress was the fact that Marwan woke up at 12:30am and started crying bcz i wasn’t next to him. We fell asleep in cuddles 😍 Cuteness scale…broken ✔

Operation is in almost 4 hours. I’m bloated and hungry but i’ll b fine inshaAllah. I’m praying that all goes well and we get thru this smoothly. Iv been thru similar situations with Marwan when he was born 5 weeks early and all the drama i went thru in my pregnancy. Also when he got really sick when he was 1 years old and he had to stay at the hospital for 3-4 days then b bedridden for a week. May Allah grant me faith and strength and relieve my anxiety about his surgery. I have phobia from anesthesia but if i survived it during my delivery so can he. He is a tough kid when it counts. After all, i keep in mind that the doctor told me prior to my delivery that in cases like mine, abortion usually happens around the 4th month of pregnancy but i was blessed bcz he lived. I’m giving myself props and reminders to relieve myself from anxiety. Also if someone is going thru something difficult with their kid, i send u love and prayers. I know some people whose kids r really sick and i pray for them everytime i remember them. May all ur kids b healthy and live prosperous lives! Have a great day everyone! 

A night prayer

Ease the doubt that’s in my heart
Replace it all with love and trust
Calm my fears
Dry my tears
Show me that you’re with me here

When i can’t sleep at night
Cz negative thoughts eat at my mind
When my mood flips like a switch
Cz i remembered something like a glitch

Remind me to pray to you
Remind me to turn to you
Keep me safe in your arms
Let me read your words so i’m not alarmed

When worry makes my body ill
When i’m too scared i just lie still
When i’m so stressed help me relax
Coordinate my thoughts and acts

My heart melts a little

(I watch you when you sleep
And my heart melts a little
And everytime you speak
My heart melts a little

When you laugh; when you smile
It takes my heart a while
To comprehend everytime
Because you blow my mind

All the things you learn so soon
And the sly comebacks too
Almost everything you do
Except the tantrums; ooh
My heart melts a little)

But even with the love that fills
My heart and mind and all it gives
It seems at times i’m bored of you
Not bored as in i’m sick of you

But bored as in frustrated
Like i want my freedom back
Like the responsibility you created
Has been hunching my back

But then (I watch you when you sleep
And my heart melts a little
And everytime you speak
My heart melts a little

When you laugh; when you smile
It takes my heart a while
To comprehend everytime
Because you blow my mind

All the things you learn so soon
And the sly comebacks too
Almost everything you do
Except the tantrums; ooh
My heart melts a little)

So take it easy
On my heart
It gets confused
It gets lost

It goes in pursuit
Of happiness
Often forgetting
Its’ purpose

I’m only human pray for me
I love my friends and family
I know God knows whats best for me
I want to feel he’s close to me

But this world has its’ temptations
And my body has its’ limitations
And my life has its’ obligations
So please have some patience

Because (I watch you when you sleep
And my heart melts a little
And everytime you speak
My heart melts a little

When you laugh; when you smile
It takes my heart a while
To comprehend everytime
Because you blow my mind

All the things you learn so soon
And the sly comebacks too
Almost everything you do
Except the tantrums; ooh
My heart melts a little)

Wants and needs

I’m stuck in between
What i want and what i need
It’s the story of my life
How i make myself bleed

I need social connection
But i wanna be left alone
I need to go out and breathe fresh air
But i wanna stay right at home

I wanna be carefree
But i need responsibility
I crave care and attention
But i need to feel people need me

I want to spend time with my son
But i easily get bored
I want my house to be sparkling clean
But i get tired from my chores

I wanna b polite
But i need to speak the truth
And i get into fights
Bcz the truth just hurts

I wanna be famous
But i’m way too shy
I wanna b content
But i tend to wonder y

I get stuck in a rut
But i need to have routine
And i get stressed out over tiny things
Then i want people to chill with me

I wanna b productive
But i stay on my phone
I wanna b self motivated
But i need motivation from someone

I’m a walking contradiction
Of mixed wants and needs
I’m so confused that my heart and mind
Aren’t at all in sync

Giving love

I vowed i would stay alone
After i had been used so many times
Didn’t know i’d feel so alone
So i thought id try one last time

People only talk to me
When they need something from me
Then they pretend im not alive

And my heart aches
Over my mistakes
Of trusting again when i’v been failed so many times

And my mind thinks
When it overthinks
That nobody is pure anymore so y try one more time?

But then i was in a social setting
Family members just talking
About how they’ve been screwed over by so many
Especially when it came to money

They said people have always been this way
And no matter what u do they will never change
So i thought if grown adults r talking this way
And they still deal with people today

Then y should i isolate myself?
Just bcz a few have come to me for help
Then walked away

Maybe God has sent me to facilitate
Peoples wants and needs though they irritate
I know i’ll never have real frnz cz i’m honest and pure
But i won’t let my heart b used and abused

I’ll continue to help for the sake of God
And i’ll reach out just to b more social
But i’ll keep my secrets locked with a key
And the key will always stay with me

I’ll forgive all those who don’t wanna b my frnz
I guess i set the bar high cz i’m high maintenance
But i’m proud of who i am and who i will become
Which is me but a healthier skinnier one

I won’t change my beliefs and my values
Just bcz most people dont value
The importance of my friendship and love
I will give endlessly cz i’m made of love

Motivate

I stumble
I fall
I get up
I walk
I shuffle
I stagger
But one day
I’ll run

The road to ur dreams
Is filled with obstacles
It’s not roses and peaches
But thorns and hurdles

I don’t make it look easy
Like i don’t even try
I don’t ever get sleazy
I don’t like to lie
When i smile it’s not cheesy
I got a hollywood smile

I want to
Make the world
A better place
Spreading love
Instead of
Spreading hate

My honesty drives some people away
But those who love me will always stay
People talk abt me but i don’t really care
I know i’m a bit extra so it’s only fair

That haters gonna hate
I make some mistakes
I post some advice
I try to b nice

And if i inspire someone along the way
If they say to me bcz of u i stayed
Id feel so proud of who i became
Bcz my goal is to someday motivate

Right now im trying to eat
Healthy
Im trying hard to exercise
Daily
I know sometimes i get so
Lazy
But motherhood is sometimes
Hazy

But one day i will reach my goal
I’ll b standing tall
Those who stuck with me will know how i struggled
They’ll b motivated to take the path i took
Maybe one day i’ll even write a book

Oh i just wanna motivate
Motivate
Motivate

I need motivation plz

Woke up in the middle of the night and this is what i did; a hot chocolate and youtube and instagram. I know. I know. No reading. No exercise. No typing. I dont know what is going on with me but my exercise motivation is almost zero lately and i can only type when i am distressed so i guess its a gd thing im not typing. As for reading though, i lost motivation for that too. I need to get back on the road to a healthy lifestyle but im like where do i start?! Well the other day i had salad. That counts, right? Right? Who am i kidding. Im a loser…