Anxiety attacks, a walk in the park, and donuts!

10am: The smell of freedom! The smell of fresh air! My God! It’s been so long since I have gone out for a walk and i finally gathered the courage to get dressed and tell my husband that I’m going out for a walk. I just can’t take it anymore! I feel like I’m in captivity! It’s just…my God! I feel bad for all those people that are in prison. They deserve a breath of fresh air. It is unbelievable! I’m a prisoner in my own house. Partly it is because of the weather and because I keep on getting sick but there is another more personal reason. I mean everyone else goes out when the weather is cold and even when they’re sick, except me! Anyway, enough ranting today.

I want to talk about the benefits of walking in nature because I’m going to the park, but on the way to the park I’m going to stop at the supermarket and get some snacks to give my son for school. Also, I’m starving because I only had a cookie for breakfast with my coffee. Also, the sky looks amazing! I want to take a picture but here’s the thing: I am testing which application I can live without the most and which application I can’t live without.

So first I did a no phone Challenge for 1-hour on my phone and I almost went insane because all the thoughts in my head just poured into my ears; all the negative thoughts; nothing positive. I ended up getting anxiety attacks knowing that they are just negative thoughts and still i was unable to control them. I don’t talk about my anxiety much because I feel like it sounds like a call for attention. It’s not! You have no idea what it’s like to live trapped inside your head unless you have anxiety or depression or another mental illness. Living inside your head is very difficult, it’s very overwhelming, and sometimes paralyzing. So it took a lot of effort just to get up and do the laundry and dishes.

I also currently have other challenges running: a camera fast, Instagram fast, youtube fast, whatsapp fast, and gallery fast. I put them all at the same time for 4 hours (except the whatsapp challenge is 2 hours) so let me see if I can last 4 hours without these 5 applications. I doubt it, but I will try my best. I’ll probably lose the camera challenge because I’m going to the park so I’m definitely getting pictures of all the greenery!

10:30am: Now that i’m done taking pictures and it looks like it’s about to rain, I’m going to start heading home. The trees were amazing. The sky with the trees were magical. I took amazing pictures. I definitely failed the camera challenge. I expected I would. I couldn’t see all this beautiful nature and not take pictures. I only got to see half the park and I wanted to see the other half but I don’t want it to rain on me because i don’t want to get sick. I’m not that adventurous today. So I’m just heading back home.
Let’s talk about anxiety.

The other day I saw a post on Instagram about things that make anxiety worse and i realised that I do all of them. Caffeine makes anxiety worse and I drink 2 cups of coffee a day. Lack of sleep makes anxiety worse and I don’t sleep well. I’m not really sure if my lack of sleep is the cause of my anxiety or the result of it or maybe both. Maybe it’s just a never ending cycle. I definitely have anxiety induced Insomnia because, for some reason, the moment it’s time to go to bed, my brain clicks and nearly goes into overdrive. That’s why I’m on my phone a lot. I’m on my phone to get out of my head but being on my phone gives me a different kind of anxiety so much so that when I’m without my phone I get really anxious. Another thing that makes anxiety worse is social media, so voila! It’s like the saying “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”.

Anyway, the walk in the park was really relaxing. It was really a good idea and I’ve been wanting to take a walk in the park for a very long time and I’m so glad that I was finally able to. I’m thinking of going shopping but I’m afraid it may rain so I’m not really sure if I should. I feel like if I don’t go I will regret it and I know that I’m probably not going to leave the house for the next 3 weeks anyway because of the weather. I’m going to take advantage of being away from all the internal noise and try to endure the external noise of the cars as much as I can. As long as there is no wind, I’m fine. I’m starving though. I want to go into a cafe and eat something but it would be awkward to sit alone and i’m afraid that if I go into a cafe that it’ll just suddenly start pouring.

I’m just going to go shopping because I really feel like buying my husband a sweater because last winter I bought him one and he liked it so I’m going to the same store and I’m buying him another shirt.

11am: I went shopping,but i didn’t find anything my husband would like. I didn’t even find anything WOW for me or my son.Ok looks like it’s stopped raining and the sun came up again because the sky is blue and the clouds are white again. I’m not trying to be a weather forecaster.

I won the whatsapp challenge, and reached my walking goal (6000steps).

I got some donuts in celebration. I’m trying to stay outside of the house as much as possible and i’m trying to soak it all in so that when I need it for later.

Also, there’s a dog nearby so I’m going to have to flee for my life because I’m terrified of dogs!

I won all the other challenges too. Yay! It feels good to win.

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