What I am working on

I came across this on instagram, and it got me thinking. I often make to do lists, and this year i decided to make monthly goals instead of yearly goals. Things that i can track my progress in. For example: exercise daily for 5 minutes at least. If i do it, i tick ☑️ and if I don’t, I tick ❎

There are some goals however, that can’t be measured. In a previous blog https://stayathomemom495.wordpress.com/2019/12/27/my-main-goal-for-2020/, I talked about how my New Years Resolution was to live more wholeheartedly, and i explained that instead of being a S. M. A. R. T. Goal like exercising daily, it was a H. E. A. R. T. Goal. So i decided to write down the things i’m working on, in terms of what i’m trying to do less of. It’s not exactly measurable, but i need to be conscious when I am doing these things in order to minimize them.

So here it goes…

What I am working on (trying to do less of) :

  • My temper:
  • I have always been a hot head. I may not seem that way if you just met me. I may seem shy, calm and collected, but there is a volcano 🌋 brewing underneath. I get irritated/angered very easily, and some people take advantage of that and make it their goal to get me to explode. My goal is to get to the point where I am no longer phased when people try to get under my skin. It may take years of practice, and I don’t have a clear idea of how to get there, but i have to keep reminding myself that their behavior says everything about them and nothing about me and that reacting with anger will not stop their behavior but rather will make them feel like they succeeded in controlling my feelings.
  • My fear of failure:
  • Everybody is afraid of failure to a certain extent. Nobody wants to experience the downside of failure but everyone wants to reap the benefits of success. Success and failure both have pros and cons. With success, comes a new set of responsibilities, and some people fear success. But failure is an important step on the way to success, because if you don’t fail, you won’t know what NOT to do. For me, my fear of failure is debilitating sometimes. I’d like to blame it on my anxiety, but i’m not sure anxiety is 💯 the one to blame. I fear failure and loss and rejection to the extent that many times I won’t even try. I stay in my comfort zone because it is familiar. I go back to old habits because they feel safe. So my goal is to keep going despite my fear, and maybe along the way, my fear will disappear.
  • Stress/bored eating:
  • When i am hungry, i don’t eat much. However, everytime i am upset about a certain situation i’m in or a certain someone who got on my nerves, my mind immediately craves sugar, junk food, carbs, and i get this urge that doesn’t go away until i eat said craved foods. The problem is, after eating them, i get bloated and have a sugar rush and i feel horrible. Filled with regret, i promise not to stress eat, until i do it again. My goal is to reach for a fruit when i really want a chocolate bar. I did that last night. I felt i really needed chocolate and instead, i ate an apple and 2 tangerines and not only because i had already eaten my stash of chocolate and my sons as well (we still have chocolate in the freezer) but because i exercised will power. So my goal is to do what i did last night more often.
  • Laziness to exercise:
  • It’s too cold. I have housework. I’m too tired. My son is home and will climb on me if i exercise now. I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to sweat. It’s too hot. I’m too busy. All these are excuses. I know if i organize my time wisely, i will be able to squeeze time for exercise everyday, and not just for 5 minutes, but for 20 minutes. It’s just that i don’t like to exercise alone and it’s too cold to walk to the gym (see? Another excuse). Now that i recognize my excuses, my next goal is to ignore them and exercise anyway.
  • Being on my phone too much:
  • Last year, i downloaded an application that tracked my phone usage. I was on my phone for 6 hours a day on average. I tried to minimize my phone time and i was able to get down to 3 or 4 hours a day, which is still a lot. This year, what with reading blogs and writing blogs, and doing God knows what (well mainly instagram and youtube) i still spend an average of 6 hours on my phone a day. I do challenges on my phone to decrease the usuage of certain applications, but i end up using other applications more out of boredom. So my goal is to put my phone away everytime i feel i’m wasting my time on it.
  • Forgetting basic hygiene:
  • I used to be very keen on showering, brushing my teeth and brushing my hair everyday. It’s true what they say, that when you become a mother, showering becomes a luxury. Some moms don’t mind showering while their kids bang on the door, but i like peace and quiet while i shower and my son cries if i even go to the bathroom so I usually wait for him to sleep but by the time he is asleep, i’m too tired to shower anymore. So my goal is to shower/brush my hair/brush my teeth more, even if i have a kid stuck to me like velcro.
  • Being social ONLY on social media:
  • There are people I know who barely touch their phones. My cousin checks her social media once in the morning and once at night. It used to irritate me when someones doesn’t reply to my texts immediately, until I started getting busy and i realized that more life equals less phone. People who are actually going and interacting with humans in real life don’t feel the need to reach out via whatsapp or instagram. Only reaching out to people via whatsapp rather than irl is something i’ve been doing more of lately. Even my blogs have become a means of communication. A friend of mine once asked me “How have you been?” and i simply replied “Read my blogs and you’ll find out”. My blogs are not supposed to be a diary. They are meant as a tool to motivate and inspire. So i definitely need to go out more and interact with people face to face rather than through texts.
  • Getting hung up on the past:
  • Depressing myself by remembering past events and reliving them over and over again is not a hobby of mine, but it is something i do often. I’d like to blame it on depression, but I don’t know why this happens to me. I’d be chilling and having a good time and suddenly I remember something that bothers me in the present (an unresolved problem that i am unable to change or fix) and before i know it, i’m in a blackhole of bad memories from 4 years ago that are not even related to my current issue but are somehow connected and i feel all the negative feelings of that event again and i feel so hopeless and miserable and i can even imagine a future argument i’m going to have about this event that happened 4 years ago (i’m not kidding, this literally happened to me yesterday).
  • Trying to control everything:
  • I try to control how my day goes and what i do when and it’s not because i’m a control freak. I mean, when i do housework, i do it my way and if my son wants to help, he must do it my way too, and i like to play board games by the rules and i don’t like it when my son is acting silly while we play monopoly, but that is normal, right? Right? The reason why I am so meticulous about the details is because i am unable to control anything in my life. The whole course of my life is beyond my control. Does that make any sense? Well, if you know, you know.
  • Overthinking everything:
  • When he said x, did he mean y? When she looked to the right,was she lying? When they asked me this question, were they asking because they care or were they just prying into my life? Stooooopppp. I swear I run my brain into overdrive from overthinking every word and gesture. Most of my blog posts are written at night while i’m in bed trying to sleep (like right now) because my brain goes a mile a minute and the only way to quiet the noise is to write things down and try to organize my thoughts and determine which ones are rational and which belong in the trash. Obviously, if i do this less, i may end up with less blog posts but more sleep, so maybe i’ll write a blog about the benefits of sleep if i ever experience having enough sleep.

There are other things i am working on like self loathing, impulsiveness, being too serious, complaining too much and others, but i won’t elaborate because 10 is long enough of a list already.

What is/are something/s you are working on?

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