I’m in a moody mood

I don’t know if this happens to you too but I get very moody. I’m not bipolar but I do have anxiety and this has been a tough year on everyone. We are all going through misfortune in one way or another.

Anyway, I’m reading “The 7 habits of highly effective people” and I know it won’t solve my problems but it is making sense of a lot of things I didn’t understand before. I spoke in my blogs before about being proactive, which is habit 1, and how I’m trying to be that instead of being reactive. Then I talked about finding your center, which is in habit 2 “beginning with the end in mind”. I’m still reading chapter 2 (it’s really big) and I read about the whole brain theory (coming soon on the blog) and personal mission statements (also coming soon on the blog) but the one thing I couldn’t shake off is that ever since I began that chapter, I’ve been thinking about death.

As a Muslim, I’m supposed to remind myself of death periodically so as to keep my purpose in mind, but in all honesty, I try not to.

Since COVID-19 started, several people I know or my in laws know died, and some of them from COVID-19. The isolation and deaths that this pandemic has caused have created a sort of detachment from death. It’s like people die and we feel nothing anymore. It’s really sad how detached we have become.

So anyway, ever since I began this chapter, which began with “imagine yourself on your deathbed” and I can’t bring myself to imagine.

I could imagine myself in the hospital and it makes me sick to my stomach. But dying? It depresses me to begin to think about it. The purpose of this exercise was to assess if you have achieved all you wanted in life, but all I could think about were 2 things: would I go to heaven? And how would my husband and son survive if anything happened to me?

I need bone surgery in my left big toe and a surgery for the polyps in my nose but I haven’t done them yet because my son can’t handle being away from me for 2 days while I go to the hospital, let alone the time it will take for me to recover.

And yet I can’t stop thinking about it. I know my life isn’t meaningless, but I do know that I need to volunteer or something, but COVID-19 has made that difficult. These difficult times have made me selfish with my time and energy. I don’t know who I’ll be when COVID-19 is finally over.

Am I making any sense? Is this my anxiety talking?

Good night 😴 I’m mentally exhausted from overthinking.

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