Knowing the problem is half the solution

I have an anger management problem. I know it. My loved ones know it. The only ones who see it really are the ones closest to me. Someone says something that triggers me. I turn into the raging hulk. Then I hate myself for it later, feel ashamed and apologize, and act extra nice to make up for it. It’s a cycle.

I bought donuts today. A treat for my 5 year old. I don’t want to tell you what I did to have to go get donuts to try to make up for it. But on instagram people only saw the donuts.

I don’t wear a mask to pretend I’m perfect. I wear a mask because I’m ashamed of my real image. It’s kind of like that movie where the guy’s real face is so hideous and demented that if you look at him you turn into stone. That’s how I feel on the inside.

I want to be kind. I am kind sometimes, but beneath the pretty exterior people now call tired, and all the smiles that show my teeth after braces, and all the positive motivational quotes and inspiring stories, there is a scared little girl who was traumatized as a child, a girl who is trying to grow up but is repeating the cycle… Only worse.

I feel trapped in a shark tank, freaking out about being a wife and a mother, drowning in my own insecurities, as the sharks circle me and I attack, only to be chomped into bits and pieces, then the level restarts and it keeps going on again and again.

Wow 🤯 that went a bit dark for a minute. I promise I’m not always like this. When I’m feeling happy, I’m a ray of sunshine sprouting rainbows. I’m your happy place, whatever it is. I’m gardens of flowers and roses in bouquets. I’m a river that flows freely and beautifully.

I am nature, so everchanging, yet renewable. I get cold and dry and brittle like a December night, and I get hot and cause wildfires. In between, I am a calm breeze. I am the rain, the lightning and the thunder. I am a storm, a tornado that destroys everything in its path.

If you see me on a cold stormy night, know that my storm won’t last forever. My sun will shine again and my clouds will break.

I have an anger management problem and I’m working on it. It keeps getting worse and I’m writing this here because I’m reaching out for help. I wish I could see a therapist but for several reasons I can’t. Also knowing the problem is half the solution. Many people have problems they aren’t aware of.

What do you struggle with the most?

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