Hello and welcome to my blog! I had a rough morning today and it was awful. I hadn’t slept well. I yelled a lot. I realize now that I overreacted because I was tired. But I guess the silver lining is I got a poem out of it. I hope things work out alright. My anxiety and inner critic are currently shaming me and telling me that my worst fear is going to come true, and I’m trying to ignore it fruitlessly. I’m just going to put headphones on, listen to a podcast, and try to be productive.
If that fails, I’ll watch a movie. I started one this morning about this 18 year old who did a mass shooting at his university and then killed himself because he was depressed that his parents were separated, so that wasn’t traumatizing at all 😲 so I wasn’t able to finish the movie. I only watched the 1st 20 minutes. If I watch a movie, I’m watching something else.
Anyway, enjoy this poetic description of my pain
My thoughts form words and they want to come out but they’re stuck inside my throat
So I ease them back in and I build around them a moat
Then my eyes well up and the tears are about to flow
But I ease them back in and I try not to let them show
Why do I keep feeling like a victim?
Like everything’s beyond my control
I go back and forth between fight and give in
But I feel like I have nowhere to go
Don’t feel like doing anything
Blaming those around me
For all the things they’ve done
Some part of me
Knows gratitude is the way to be
And until I accept my destiny
I’ll never feel at home
I get emotional
Quickly lose control
It’s not pretty
And I wish I could just forgive and forget
But the shame and the guilt make me live with regret
And I wish I could just live and let live
And let bygones be bygones
I don’t know if I’ll ever change
I work so hard to improve but it evaporates
In the heat of the moment
It’s like nothing’s important
But to get my point across and prove that I’m right
I’ve been running all my life so I stand and I fight
But it looks like I’m still losing because you’re walking away
And all my defenses instantly crumble away
I’m tired of fighting but I don’t know any other way
To get you to listen
To give me permission
To be independently me
I hope you enjoyed this poem, and don’t worry about me, writing makes me feel better. It helped. I’ll be fine. I’m taking it day by day. It’s been a hard year last year and this year seems to be worse in Lebanon so the waters are rising. I just hope we learn to swim and not drown in it.
Update: Everything is fine.