Poetry Friday: Emotional

Hello and welcome to my blog! I had a rough morning today and it was awful. I hadn’t slept well. I yelled a lot. I realize now that I overreacted because I was tired. But I guess the silver lining is I got a poem out of it. I hope things work out alright. My anxiety and inner critic are currently shaming me and telling me that my worst fear is going to come true, and I’m trying to ignore it fruitlessly. I’m just going to put headphones on, listen to a podcast, and try to be productive.

If that fails, I’ll watch a movie. I started one this morning about this 18 year old who did a mass shooting at his university and then killed himself because he was depressed that his parents were separated, so that wasn’t traumatizing at all 😲 so I wasn’t able to finish the movie. I only watched the 1st 20 minutes. If I watch a movie, I’m watching something else.

Anyway, enjoy this poetic description of my pain

My thoughts form words and they want to come out but they’re stuck inside my throat

So I ease them back in and I build around them a moat

Then my eyes well up and the tears are about to flow

But I ease them back in and I try not to let them show

Why do I keep feeling like a victim?

Like everything’s beyond my control

I go back and forth between fight and give in

But I feel like I have nowhere to go

Low energy

Don’t feel like doing anything

Blaming those around me

For all the things they’ve done

Some part of me

Knows gratitude is the way to be

And until I accept my destiny

I’ll never feel at home

I get emotional

So randomly

Quickly lose control

It’s not pretty

And I wish I could just forgive and forget

But the shame and the guilt make me live with regret

And I wish I could just live and let live

And let bygones be bygones

I don’t know if I’ll ever change

I work so hard to improve but it evaporates

In the heat of the moment

It’s like nothing’s important

But to get my point across and prove that I’m right

I’ve been running all my life so I stand and I fight

But it looks like I’m still losing because you’re walking away

And all my defenses instantly crumble away

I’m tired of fighting but I don’t know any other way

To get you to listen

To give me permission

To be independently me

I hope you enjoyed this poem, and don’t worry about me, writing makes me feel better. It helped. I’ll be fine. I’m taking it day by day. It’s been a hard year last year and this year seems to be worse in Lebanon so the waters are rising. I just hope we learn to swim and not drown in it.

Update: Everything is fine.

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