Random thoughts at dawn

So many thoughts in my head right now. My mind is much faster than my thumb (I type with 1 thumb, guess which hand?). I can’t keep up. I’ve been thinking a lot about something. How wishy-washy I am.

I go between wanting to unpublish all my books and edit them to perfection before republishing, and wanting to write more books but write better even if nobody buys them but hopes somebody buys them. I find myself wanting something but mentally preparing myself by telling myself that it probably won’t happen, so I can spare myself the disappointment. I start a conversation telling myself that this person is going to act defensive and try to ruin my mood. It’s almost as if I manifest that. I publish telling myself it’s okay if nobody buys my books, and truly, nobody has bought anything since May 1st, 2020. That’s a whole year. Then I feel self-pity and that my writing isn’t good enough because who would buy my books anyway. Then I say maybe because I’m not marketing it well. I know what I’m supposed to do. What’s stopping me?

I hope one day I make it as a writer. It’s not about the money, but a book is not complete until it’s read. How will I know to improve my writing if nobody’s reading and giving feedback?

I want to write more about my life experiences, but there’s a lot I can’t say. There’s a lot of trauma and secrets that I can’t talk about because I can’t violate other’s privacy. One day I’ll let it all out in therapy.

That’s the thing, though… One day seems so far away. I’m stuck in this situation and I’m not sure if my urge to flee is legitimate or just my anxiety. I’ve learned to question my judgment because the last time I acted on impulse, I almost lost everything, and I’m still recovering. It turned out to be the wrong decision. But how do I know what the right decision is?

So many questions. There is no manual to life. There are plenty of manuals to life. They come in the form of self-help books, podcasts, and youtube videos.

Maybe I want to write my manual, tailored to my experience. But writing takes so much energy. If only I could play hooky and ditch my responsibilities (just kidding, I would never). My sunshine is my inspiration. He is the reason I started this self-improvement journey anyway. Here’s a crazy idea. I’m thinking of changing my blog name from my rollercoaster journey to my self-improvement journey. Or is that better as the title of a book? Share your thoughts in the comments below, please!

I’m so sleepy now. I must sleep. As you noticed, I began posting 3 times a day, the daily reminder, the new month new challenge, and the Ramadan series. I hope I can keep it up because this girl is tired. A week until Eid. I can do this.

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