Hello and welcome to my blog! I have a lot to say today. I don’t do this often anymore (storytime). I used to. Whenever I had thoughts I’d just drop them down on the blog and that’s how I processed them but now I’m trying something new by processing them on my own (AKA sleeping on it) and then maybe if I still feel like it, I put them on the blog because I know that once it’s on the blog, the internet is forever.

So here’s the thing. Yesterday, I visited my parents and right before I went, I received a message. I don’t know if I mentioned it here but I have been volunteer teaching quraan somewhere for 4 years. Basically, I do my job, I teach, and then I leave. I don’t interact with the other teachers. I don’t socialise with anyone. It’s not that I hate them nor that I don’t have any interest in getting to know them. It’s just I feel they’re very different than I am and I’m afraid of making social mistakes that will make it impossible for me to volunteer over there anymore and this belief has been brought to me from experience of people wanting to get to know me because I’m so mysterious and my life is so interesting and then once they get to know me, they get bored of me and then they leave me and this happens over and over again and I used to think that it was only in my head but then yesterday my husband said this about me.

The woman in charge of the place where I teach quraan send me a message. She said that for years once a year the teachers go out together and socialize outside of work and they have been doing this for years and she has never invited me before. This is the first time I hear of this. I had no idea that they went once a year even though I’ve been volunteer teaching there for 4 years. When she invited me, I got so excited and then I asked for some more information like can I bring my 6-year old with me and who can drive me there.

I was thinking had she invited me in the years before, I may not have been able to go when my son was younger because he would have given me a hard time and he’s 6 now and I’m still afraid that he might give me a hard time but he’s old enough for me to tell him to be on his best behaviour. I don’t know if I’m going to have to use the bribing technique but I can’t use the punishing and threatening technique in front of them.

I feel like the last time I volunteered, I was a bit more social. Just something as simple as saying hi, how are you doing, where do you live, I love these designs, I love what you did to the place,… these kind of things and I felt like they made a big difference and my compliments are really genuine. I was really trying to connect with them.

Anyway, I was really excited about the outing and I asked if I could bring my son and she said no problem and then she continued to explain to me that I’d be the only one with a kid (there’d be only one other person who has kids because the rest of the people going all 60-year olds so they’re all Grandmas) but she said that they will relax and play racket ball and just chill.

The place that they’re going to is a picnic area 20 minutes away from my house by car and I have been dying to go there for 2 years and my husband doesn’t take me anywhere (he’s a homebody) and he only takes me to the seaside (5 minutes away from my house by car) every six months. He used to take me to Turkey once a year with his entire family but because of the economic situation we can’t go to Turkey anymore. I also suggested several times to go to this place with my family and they weren’t really interested so if I don’t go with these people that I volunteer with then I won’t go at all.

I used to socialise a lot more before I got married. It’s like marriage and motherhood kind of isolated me. It also happened to be that after I got married, my friends got jobs and got married too and I just got preoccupied with my son and when my son was younger, I would rather stay home then to go out in public with him and risk a tantrum which in hindsight was wrong. He should have gotten used to going out and learned how to conduct himself in public at a young age.

Back to the picnic. I’m afraid I might not have fun but I guess I’ll be fine. We’re going to be in nature, there’s a hammock (I don’t really like hammocks but I’m sure my son would enjoy them) and my son has been to this picnic area before when he was 3 but he doesn’t remember. I’m really excited for this experience because he really doesn’t go anywhere, it’s really sad, but the saddest part is that like I was just worried about my son giving me a hard time there and then my husband started to warn me yesterday. He said if you want to go then you have to be on your best behaviour and you can’t be butthurt by every word that someone says.

Also, he said that I don’t know how to socialise and I only like to go into deep friendships (this is true to some extent but I have learnt from experience that having acquaintances is very important but as an introvert I do tend to focus more on my close friendships rather than my acquaintances and the reason is because I don’t really have a job so I don’t socialize much, except for the volunteer work but I just do my job and leave),but it’s a two-way street, I mean nobody tried to reach out to me but this time they did and I reached out back. My husband also said I tend to talk about myself a lot and people are interested in me and then they get me to talk about myself but then once I open up and they find out the things about me that fill their curiosity, they just walk away.

So now I’m freaking out and now I need a list of questions to ask the people that I’m going with because the one that’s in charge of the volunteering is the one that’s going to be giving me a ride.

At the picnic, there are going to be activities and if I feel socially awkward I can go play with my son. I feel like my son will be the buffer in this situation. He’s a little shy at first but then he gets really social, but he does act silly and I don’t know if they’ll like that or find it annoying. Anyway, I’ll just try to have fun and focus on the positives and be mindful and also socialise. I’m just worried about the ride there because like the woman that I’ve been volunteering for for 4 years doesn’t know anything about me and she’s not the type of person who I would talk to about my blog and my books. I don’t want to show her that side of me.

There are different sides of me so I just want her to know superficial information so I need to have other questions ready because she is going to ask me questions if not out of curiosity but to fill the silence during the car ride. I need to counteract her questions so that she doesn’t ask too many questions.

Does that make sense?

Am I antisocial or just socially awkward?

I believe I’m socially rusty but with practice I’ll get better. My husband believes that no matter how much practice I have, I’ll always be antisocial and socially awkward.