Hello and welcome to my blog! I’m back, feeling like a fool for all the things I said, and all the thoughts in my head. I take everything said in anger literally. Don’t they say that the truth comes out when you are angry? I either decide to be a peacemaker and dare not to rock the boat, or I declare war. And oh after I share my woes on the blog or with a selected few, I wish I could take my words back, not that any of what I said wasn’t true, but maybe it would have been better to keep things between us, to protect each other’s privacy.
But I air their dirty laundry because I feel powerless, I feel like a victim, and then I get embarrassed because those are my clothes on the line too. We are one, or at least we are supposed to be. But we have anger issues, communication issues, trust issues, etc. I say I want a healthy relationship. He says there is no such thing. Maybe if 2 people have a secure attachment, they can have a healthy relationship. The rest of us with anxious attachment and avoidant attachment is doomed to have toxic relationships, as we are often drawn to one another.
I think I have read too many romance novels and watched too many romance movies. I keep expecting the other to calm me down when I’ve had enough, not realizing the other person is stressed and depressed too but just deals with it differently. We carry around baggage from our past and get triggered by certain words or actions like if someone calls me lazy, I will explode. It’s a trigger for me, for personal reasons.
Healing is a journey, and it’s not linear. In the future, I will try not to let my paranoia control my thoughts. Anyway, now that I’m back, I just wanted to make sure I was mentally healthy enough to write on the blog again, lest I make a fool of myself again.
Mental health check:
How am I feeling? (Physically and mentally)
Physically I’m okay. A little bit of pulled muscles. Sneezing from allergies. A migraine. Sleepy but can’t sleep. Mentally I’m much better.
When did I last eat a full meal?
2 hours ago.
When did I last drink water?
A few hours ago. I generally sip water throughout the day. I’m rarely able to drink a whole cup.
How long have I spent on my phone today?
So far, 5 hours, and it’s only 5 pm.
When did I last breathe deeply?
Just now when I read this question.
When did I last talk to someone about my feelings?
Funny question. I’m always talking about my feelings, here on the blog, to my husband and siblings, and close friends. My feelings are too overflowing and fluctuating, it’s hard to keep up.
When did I last go outside?
Today, I dropped my son off for his 1st day of school and picked him up (you’d think there would be a blog post about my son’s 1st day of school, but no. I didn’t have much to say about it. Just that he was anxious about school until he bought a new backpack and books and notebooks and suddenly he was super excited. 1st day went great. They have to wear masks, check temperatures. There was a playground but my son expected slides and swings. He was disappointed).
What can i celebrate today?
The survival of my marriage, I guess.
When was the last time i took a shower?
*checks previous to-do lists* Wednesday, 5 days ago. Oops. Also, noted that I haven’t been writing monthly goals since August maybe. I was relying on the app habitable to focus on 5 habits, including showering 4 times a week, but I accidentally deleted the app a week ago).
What is taking up most of my headspace?
I’m not sure. Sometimes it’s money, other times its loneliness, family drama, it depends. Right now, I’m just tired and wishing I had a better hold on my tongue. I’m no angel, but I can pain one mean devil when I want to. A blog post I read today spoke of antivillians and how they are more relatable than superheroes. I live in this idealistic black and white world and my husband lives in the grey area. Enough said.
Am i tired?
Yes, definitely. I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks, maybe months, and lack of sleep makes me edgy, extra moody, and lowers my tolerance even lower than it already is. I read once, I think in the book Crucial confrontations, that you shouldn’t confront someone if one of you is tired or hungry.
What can i do that will bring me joy?
Pray, exercise, read Quraan. In that order. I keep procrastinating by writing this post.
When did i last do a kind thing for someone else?
I don’t know. I can’t remember.
What promise of God do i need to meditate on today?
Off the top of my head, I remembered the verse:
﴿وَإِذ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُم لَئِن شَكَرتُم لَأَزيدَنَّكُم وَلَئِن كَفَرتُم إِنَّ عَذابي لَشَديدٌ﴾ [Ibrāhīm: 7]
(7) And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.’”
I think it’s important to do a mental health check every once in a while. It’s also important to keep your tongue in check because once the words come out, especially in the form of a voice message or text on someone else phone, it will be there forever.
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