Hello everyone! How are you? Today is my 30th birthday, and for some reason, I’m having a totally lazy day. I didn’t drink my coffee or eat anything until 11 am. I just stayed in bed, reading a novel on my phone. Then I got up, showered, drank coffee, and ate a piece of cake. Then I wasted an hour on TikTok before told myself “I have to exercise”, scratch that, ” I get to exercise”. So I did a 6-minute leg workout.
It’s 1 pm and I’m thinking of calling my parents, but I don’t. I’ve been contemplating calling my mom all week but then thought better of it. I’ve been feeling down and out of sorts all week, and she will detect it in my tone, so I would rather close in on myself and suffer silently than share the pain.
Also, my inner voice has a British accent for some reason today. It must be all those TikTok videos I’ve been watching. The song stuck in my head today is “I sit by myself, talking to the moon”. There is almost always a song stuck in my head. I’m also in the process of writing a new poem. Sometimes I write a whole poem in one sitting. Other times, it comes out like a story, one scene at a time.
Imagine a girl standing at the edge of a cliff. It’s windy, but not that annoying wind. The wind in cartoons makes the hair fly back like a perfect pose. The girl feels lost and confused. Should she jump or not? On a whim, she jumps up cannonball style, as if she is jumping into a pond below. But will the pond below be full of water or dry? We will just have to wait for the poem to end and see.
I’ve also been shutting myself off from my husband and son. Partly because I’m escaping in a world of reading where husbands are emotionally available and children are respectful and I am zen. Oh well, a girl can dream. I must accept my reality at some point. When I notice my son needs attention, I try to give it to him. When I notice my husband try to reach out, I feel guilty for closing myself off. I try to make it up to him. I pray for wisdom, patience, and contentment.
So…im 30 now. It feels different, but strangely the same. It’s a bit daunting. Can you imagine that in 10 years, I’ll be 40?! A lot can happen in 10 years.
What should I do to celebrate this milestone?
My best friend bought me flowers and a mug, and treated me to hot chocolate and a trip to the sea yesterday, so that was nice.