Hello and welcome to my blog. I’m struggling to be positive right now, so despite my pain, I’ll recall 3 positive things about today. 1. It’s Wednesday, my favorite day of the week because it’s in the middle and I’m a fan of all things symmetrical. 2. I got almost everything on my to-do list done, despite the pain and exhaustion. 3. I cooked a meal and my husband ate from it and loved it. Ok now I vent:
I sit and contemplate in silence. My body is in pain. It’s been 30 hours since my vaccine and it seems to hit me in all my sensitive spots. Today I got a low-grade fever, and my bones hurt, from my shoulder to my ankles. I took a nap, which I usually can’t do but now I must because I’m too exhausted to pick up my phone. Even at rest, I’m in pain. I took painkillers but the pain persists.
My son is having trouble at school. He isn’t making friends. He is isolating himself. His classmates want to play with him, but he tells me he decided he doesn’t want friends because once school is over, they will stop being friends anyway. I told him it’s not true. I told him it’s really important to have friends. I hope he doesn’t suffer my fate of social anxiety.
It took 90 minutes to get him to finish his lunch. I could feel my soul leaving my body. I keep telling him to eat instead of playing, and he tells me to “stop nagging”. Then we began homework. Reading was super easy, but now he must write, and he claims he is too tired. He has been at his desk for an hour, stubbornly refusing to write 6 words. He has karate class in an hour. I keep reminding him to do his homework, but I don’t want to push too hard. You can’t force a kid to do his homework. I told him it’s his responsibility and he must do it. I told him he doesn’t get screentime until he finishes his homework. I just checked on him to find him asleep. I guess he really is tired, but I’ve had it up to here with him, so I yelled at him to get up. I can’t afford a nap time at 5 pm when he has school tomorrow and karate at 6 pm. I’m tired and pushing on myself to ensure he does his homework.
Motherhood is exhausting. I never had this problem as a kid. My mom didn’t do our homework with us. I loved learning and always did my homework on my own, ever since I could read. I even skipped the 1st grade. I was top of my class. Only needed a tutor to learn Arabic the 1st few years I came to Lebanon. My siblings who were weak at school had tutors, or my grandmother taught them.
Speaking of my grandmother, that’s a different kind of pain. I was sworn to secrecy, but oh my, the pain of watching someone grow old hits differently. You remember them when they were tough and opinionated, exasperating even, and wish they could be like that again, even for 5 minutes. It’s like a painful wait that fills you with guilt and sympathy, and you don’t know what to say anymore. Do you wish them to get better or do you wish them peace and dignity?
Back to homework monitoring. I’ll try to be nice. It’s difficult. My parents ran a tight ship, no time for sympathy. No matter how tired he is, his homework must be done. You know what? I just remembered his homework isn’t due until Monday, so I’ll have him do it later in the evening or tomorrow.
I hugged him just now and told him he can lie down until it’s time for karate class. I think I may lie down too. I just hope we don’t fall asleep and miss class.