Hello and welcome to my blog! My wrist hurts, though I haven’t been writing much lately, but 7 hours a day on your phone will do that to you. I wonder why I haven’t been getting the urge to write much lately. I’ll tell you why.
After lots of
introspection watching tv shows and reading lots of blogs and finally a conversation with a friend, I figured out why im not able to blog daily anymore. It’s because most of my thoughts are negative, or somebody else’s thoughts (the reading and the watching tv shows), or when I have a few positive thoughts, I focus on the moment because they are so fleeting, before I know it they’re gone.
I started my 1st course on Coursera. I’m already taking marketing courses on Printful to help with my business. The course I began is about dealing with emotions in times of stress and uncertainty. I’m loving it so far. I’m taking the course for free so sadly I won’t be getting a certificate at the end but Printful is offering me certificates after each course. I’m just not sharing them on LinkedIn because my account there is to try to become a freelance content editor.
My weekly planner is going well. I’m slacking less on housework. I’m spending a little more time with my son. Today he told me let’s do something creative, and he made a Wolverine mask and I made the talons. I haven’t been in the mood to talk to anyone. I’m less angry about my marriage and am now looking at my husband with an eye of sympathy and compassion. We all cope with stress differently. I get mood swings. I push myself to be more organized and productive to gain “control” over my life. I have trouble sleeping and eat too many sweets. Other people just shut down and watch tv and go on their phones.
I’ve been through many ups and downs in life, especially since I got married, specifically since I started my blog. I keep going through this cycle where im sure I want out, then I think about it and realize it’s not the best idea, then I think some more and say it’s not that bad of a situation, then I think a bit more and say im not perfect either, then I feel content for a brief moment before I go into either self-loathing phases of feeling like I don’t deserve happiness and why would anyone love me, to rightful indignation where I get the holier than thou attitude that leads to criticism and condemnation on my part and into the man cave he goes and shuts the entrance until I apologize and try to make amends.
You get the picture? It’s like a rollercoaster, hence the name of my blog.
My blog was called “Stay at Home Mom” when I 1st made it because I was a stay-at-home mom writing snippets of my days as a mother. About 2 years ago, I changed it to “My Rollercoaster Journey”, because I realized I wasn’t writing just about motherhood anymore. I was writing poetry, self-improvement tips, parenting stories, and more. I was talking about anxiety and depression, religion, and for the past few months, my marriage. Recently I started talking about what it’s like to start a business. When I published my 1st book on Amazon, when I sold my 1st book, when I started converting my blogs to podcasts, etc. Every milestone and obstacle I have faced is on the blog, my ups and downs in all my relationships.
The downside about putting my ups and downs on the blog is that when im down, I get bitter and feel miserable, then when im up, I regret what I said when I was down and im too scared to write that im happy or having a good time, lest I jinx it or it gets to my head.
Life is a journey, not a destination. I know, so cliche. But really. We spend most of our lives saying I’ll be happy when. We follow an expected trajectory and chase an imaginary timeline. The way I see life is like a road trip, and the people in the car with you are the relationships you have. You have to stop for food, gas, and self-care. You can sleep in the car or stop at a motel. It depends on how much time and money you have. If you know where you’re going, it’s easier to find the best way to get there. Otherwise, you either wander or get lost. But what happens when someone else in your car takes the wheel or tries to? What happens when the people in the car fight? What happens when there is a storm outside or a hurricane? What happens when you run out of food and gas in the middle of the road because you didn’t stop to refuel? What happens when the car breaks down and nobody knows how to fix it? I could go on and on but you get the analogy.
I have changed my niche on the blog because I have changed. For years I sacrificed everything to raise my child. Then when he began school, I began looking for mom friends. When that didn’t work out, I began publishing my poems. After publishing 10 books and not getting many sales, I began converting my blogs into podcasts. I didn’t seek to do that. The podcast app found me. I was reading a blog about it and I went for it. When the pandemic hit, my life turned upside down. When my sisters opened shops, I felt too overwhelmed to do so, then one day as I was applying for freelance content editing jobs (im on upwork if anyone wants to hire me), I procrastinated from sending upwork proposals into opening a shop, then another one, and then another one.
I go where life takes me, but sometimes I feel currents are trying to stop me from living my life. Sometimes the storm inside me is so strong it clouds my judgment. And sometimes the waves of creativity lead me down paths I never thought I would go. Like writing my novella! I was reading something and somehow ended up taking a 3-day creative writing course, and since then, I was inspired to write a novel. I wrote an outline, then let it go. 6 months later, Amazon announced a new feature called kindlevella where I can write a novel, 1 chapter at a time. It was like fate. It took a lot of resistance and hard word and a whole year to write the 6 chapters I wrote so far. Even though nobody read it yet, I have hope that someday people will.
Deep down I don’t want to have expectations of sales so that I don’t get disappointed, but then I take my blog as an example and regain hope. When I 1st started my blog in 2017, I was getting 4 views a year, then 12 views in 2018, and in 2021 I got 14,936 views! That’s 3 times what I got in 2020, which was 6 times what I got in 2019. It’s not about the views though. It’s about the journey. We all go on this journey called life, and sometimes we feel like we are going through things alone. Especially with curated social media posts, and the global pandemic still wreaking havoc on our lives, and the falling economy, in addition to all our personal problems, it can get very lonely, and that is why I write on My Rollercoaster Journey. Many people have commented how they can relate to me, and how I make them feel less alone. They make me feel less alone too. I write to vent and seek advice sometimes, and to motivate and inspire and give advice other times.
This post is a reassurance to you that im feeling better, though my circumstances haven’t changed much, and a glimpse of hope to those going through tough times that things will get better, and until they do, know that you can change your perspective and train your mind to be at peace and to see the bright side. We are all going through tough times, and it’s best we lean on one another and be kind to each other instead of taking our frustrations out on one another.
On that note, im off to meditate. Exercise and meditation are helping a lot, as are the books im reading and the courses im taking. Also, when I don’t isolate myself and actually chat with a friend or family member, not because I need something, it helps.
I called my mom today. She has an operation on her eye after 9 days. She has glaucoma, I think.
I began the 2nd module in the course im taking on Coursera. They asked me how im really feeling. I’m very in tune with how I feel, so on the top of my head im feeling frustrated. I was feeling very lonely and I still am, but im reaching out to friends and family more. I’m still lonely in regards to my husband, but im learning not to expect any emotional connection from him. It’s hard not to expect. I’m working on it, though. I’m trying to focus on the good things he does, like go to work and bring us groceries. He also makes me laugh sometimes, even though he doesn’t mean to. I realize that shaming someone into being emotionally connected doesn’t work, so im trying instead to show support and say kind words. I get kind words in return. I even get kind words when im angry, even though they don’t work in the moment of anger but I know he means well.
So this is my journey as a mother, a wife, a writer, a business owner, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and last but not least a Muslim and a human, and it’s a kindgda ka!
Oh no! I’ve been using Bloganuary all wrong. I didn’t know there was a daily prompt, and I just found out today’s prompt was “what emojis do you like to use?” Does that mean I should forfeit from bloganuary? I don’t know how to find the daily prompts. How will I know? Should I just add my answer to this blog as an afterthought? For today, I will do just that (even though im not supposed to post until tomorrow but the inspiration came today and I got my to do list done early, despite my chronic pain.
So here are my most used emojis:
What does that tell you about me?