When I 1st got married, I was miserable, and I felt like I had nobody to talk to. When I talked to my parents, they were subjective with their opinions. It got worse when I got pregnant. I was studying for my Master’s degree and I was very overwhelmed with marriage, pregnancy, and university. I barely saw any friends. I barely saw my family who I was accustomed to seeing every day even when we had conflicts.
When I delivered my son, I sunk into deep depression. I had no idea it was PPD. Nobody around me was helpful to me mentally. I was surrounded by a lot of toxicity. I don’t know how I finished my masters but I did.
In 2015, I started blogging on blogger. Nobody read my blogs, and they were more like rants or diary entries. I wrote when I was overwhelmed and it helped. But something was lacking, and I realized it was feedback. Somehow, I found out about WordPress in 2017, and I wrote a few blogs during the whole year. I wasn’t good at it because I had been a poet for years, and sure I wrote a book in 2013, another in 2014, and another in 2015, but they were tiny personal books that nobody saw. After 2 years of writing, I realized that I could discover blogs and read them. I had never read blogs before. I was more of a book person, paperbacks to be precise. I wasn’t even introduced to the world of podcasts or even youtube.
In April 2019, I linked my blog to my Instagram, and the views came pouring in. I also started reading and following more blogs. Over time, I realized that most of my views came from other bloggers. I read blogs to get to know other bloggers, to see their style, to get feedback, to get better at writing. Year by year, my views are increasing exponentially, and I’m grateful for that.
But it isn’t about the views. Blogging and receiving positive feedback on my blog gave me the courage to do something I never thought I would do before, to publish my books on Amazon. After months of editing, I did it in March 2020. Then the pandemic hit and somehow, despite my anxiety and depression, I thrived, as a blogger specifically and as a writer in general. I started experimenting with different styles of writing. I took a creative writing course and began writing a novella.
However, it’s been a rough couple of years for me since the pandemic began. My marriage was put to the test, and though I almost called it quits a few times, we made it through stronger. My parenting suffered because being stuck at home with my son and schools out for one year and online for another was tough on my son who didn’t have any siblings and it was tough on me who didn’t have many friends and couldn’t see family often and needed alone time to function. My anxiety and depression worsened these past 2 years, to the extent that it affected me physically. More pain, more sickness, more pulled muscles, more fatigue, mood swings and binge eating junk food. I am only now in 2022 beginning to put myself back together and create routines and practice self care.
One thing that helped me through this all was blogging. It gave me a place to vent, to share with a community, to feel less alone. It gave me an identity. I’m a writer now, even in my grandparent’s eyes who chastise me for not opening up a pharmacy. Now they say “at least you are writing and doing something with your life”. Writing sparks my creativity. But lately, my attention has been less on blogging and more on design. I opened 3 online shops a few months ago and it makes me giddy that I am creating designs that are coming to life. But nothing does it for me like blogging. Coherently expressing my thoughts and feelings is my way of processing them.
Another reason why I decreased blogging to once a week rather than daily is that blogging daily was overwhelming me. I’m a mom, a housewife, a wife, a business owner, a reader, and a writer. It’s hard to juggle all my responsibilities and hobbies and have balance. Also, ever since my son began 1st Grade, my mornings have been passing by too fast. Somehow I don’t get everything on my to-do list done, and then in the afternoon, there is homework. Don’t forget my escapism with tv shows.
These past few days, with my son home, because teachers were on strike, I didn’t watch The Flash, and maybe that’s why my creativity sparked again to write. Watching tv shows blocks my thinking. I get invested in the show and bury my thoughts into my subconscious mind, never reflecting. Thankfully, I have a close friend with whom I have occasional deep discussions about life, marriage, parenting, psychology, and religion. She holds a mirror in front of me and helps me see myself for who I am. You do that too, my fellow readers and writers.
I am eternally grateful for this blog that has changed my life and added to my skillset. I am now off to get through my to-do list. My sister and mom might come over in 2 hours. That’s the motivation for me to get things done instead of slacking and reading a romance drama novel (which is what I did last night from 9 pm until 1 am).