One more shot of Dopamine

Hello reader and welcome to my blog! I haven’t written a poem in a while, but this one just flew out of my brain yesterday. I’ve been overwhelmed by everything going on with me and around me, and since my body is sensitive to stress, I’ve been indulging in tv shows, unrealistic romance novels, and junk food as a form of escapism. While these all give me a jolt of happiness and block out negative thoughts, they don’t exactly help me solve my problems or teach me how to cope with the discomfort of not being in control. Afterward, I feel void of energy and sink into a rabbit hole of negativity, after which I crave another jolt of dopamine to keep me from having an emotional breakdown, which I end up having anyway.

My last emotional breakdown was 3 days ago. My son wasn’t listening to me. He gives me a lot of trouble around routines. I thrive on routines, whereas he feels trapped and bossed around. Last night, I let him choose today’s outfit, and it helped him not throw a tantrum this morning. However, the real reason he didn’t give me a hard time this morning is because I did everything for him. I dressed him and took him to the bathroom, which is something a 7 year old should be doing on his own. He just gives me a hard time sleeping (he wasn’t in bed last night till 9:30 pm) and then gives me a hard time waking up. He is definitely not a morning person. Anyway, this poem is for anyone who indulges in escapism too.

On the night of a full moon

I’m staring at the stars in the sky

Somehow I’m feeling blue

And I’m sitting here wondering why

I see suffering around me

My loved ones are in woe

Happiness briefly found me

And now it’s letting me go

Because I can’t see my loved ones down

And not absorb their energy

Their sadness is pulling me down

Without them even touching me

They say “I love you but leave me alone”

But to me, that sounds like rejection

It’s like they kicked me out of their home

Without shelter or protection

And now it’s raining on me

From the storm inside their soul

They distance themselves so I don’t get hit

By their lightning bolts

It’s like the cloud is over their head

And im coming in with my sunshine

But they leave me cloudy with a chance of rain

And all the effort I did was all in vain

So I lose myself in things

I think should bring me joy

But they’re just distracting me

And addicting me to the void

My self-destructive tendencies

Are starting to get the best of me

I don’t want this ecstasy

If it keeps on bringing me to my knees

Just one more shot of dopamine

I’ll be okay once I can breathe

This addiction will be the death of me

Unless I can begin to heal

I need to be okay

With being a little sad

With grieving all the things I want

But can never have

I need to make my peace

With the things out of my control

And find my inner peace

With the things I can control

Like my time and my reactions

And my thoughts and my actions

And how I spend my energy

And protect my positivity

2 responses to “One more shot of Dopamine”

  1. “addicting me to the void” ๐Ÿ’–

    Liked by 1 person

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