Grateful for moments of happiness

These days, it’s a rare occurrence for me to feel inner peace. I’m restless and cynical about everything and anyone. Ready to vent at the 1st sign of discontent. So disappointed with the loved ones I can’t bear to be in the same room with them. But there are moments, even hours, that go on unrecorded, undocumented when I feel bliss, contentment, and dare I say…happy. Today is one of those days.

I know I will probably change my mind come nightfall, when my mood shifts again like the tide and I remember all my husband’s faults, but in this moment, and since this morning, I feel happy, and it shows. I pick a fight when I feel I lack attention, but not today. Today I’m good, safe, tucked away in the corners of love and care and security. Today I look at my husbands face and think “he is a good man. He is my man, not in the possessive sense of the word, but in the sense that this is my person, my soulmate”.

So I just wanted to write this here, because it scares me. Yes, happiness scares me. My creativity bursts when I’m anxious and depressed. I have a flare for drama that shows in the way I itch for a fight. I’m drawn to conflict like a moth to a flame, yet run away from conflict like a bike on fire runs down a hill. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, happiness and peace are alien to me. We had and still have our moments of happiness, but they’re tarnished by the more deeply seated trauma that is triggered every so often. It’s like playing the game Operation. It keeps buzzing, my brain.

I’m an overthinker, and I even overthink my happiness. Do I deserve it? Is this real? How long will it last? I chase dopamine like I eat chocolate. I’m one step from snorting it. But right now, I’m happy, and I’m going to enjoy it!

https://twitter.com/HaddadSajida?t=_AP7HhYnJS0DqqP2SNh1Xg&s=09

https://instagram.com/sajidahaddad?utm_medium=copy_link

Advertisement

18 responses to “Grateful for moments of happiness”

  1. This moment right now, is the most important. I’m glad you’re happy. Bask in it and enjoy it. Somehow, that sorta makes it last longer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m also very cynical and find it hard to trust people. I found a lot of my happiness in focusing on myself and not letting certain people in my life. I’m glad you’re having a good day 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. It is hard to trust people nowadays.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Love your post and I can so relate to it.πŸ’“πŸ’“.. happiness,dreams scare me too..so I know the fear you have around it…😐😐

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I hope one day we become comfortable with the feeling of happiness ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I tend to be suspicious when I feel hints of positive, and I assume it will be short-lived (which has generally been the case). Glad to hear you’re having a happy day.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way for a whole day.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. That’s really great Sajjida. Grab this moment with both hands and enjoy it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks. Today, I did something that made me feel I don’t deserve happiness, and I felt myself unintentionally sabotaging my relationship with my husband. It didn’t help that he was in a bad mood today, but I’m going to try not to spiral into depression just because I said something that made him angry.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Take care and be kind too yourself and others around you

        Liked by 1 person

  6. this made me laugh… “I’m an overthinker, and I even overthink my happiness”
    πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hehe. Yes, it’s true. I’m working on being more mindful though.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. πŸ˜‚ Yay to that!!! πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Very relatable. Overcoming these tendencies was a long work in progress for me. You’re on the right track. Enjoy your happiness and know that you deserve it!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: