Hello and welcome to my blog! I had a long weekend, but it seems like my son is becoming himself again. For the past week, he has been very aggressive. I hope the part I played in that aggression wasn’t significant. My son gets his stitches out today. His behavior has improved, but we still fight like siblings, not act like mother and son.
Raising a child with the fear of traumatizing them lurking in the shadows is exhausting. I hope I’m doing an okay job. My family ostracized him immediately, labeling him a difficult child with anger management issues. They suggested counseling for him. I think my whole family needs therapy and counseling, myself included, but I didn’t tell them that. Anyway, since he is doing better, they are acting nice to him. I decided to try this challenge I saw on the “Waking up on the wrong side of life” blog by LA who was inspired by Tater.
It’s an A to Z of me challenge. Tater mentioned things they love while LA mentioned aspects of their personality. I’m going to be doing a mixture of both.
A- Anxiety. Am I defined by my anxiety or is it a part of me like motherhood is? Is it a part of my personality or is it a disorder I just happen to have because, as doctors put it, my body is sensitive to stress?
B- Books. I love books. Ever since I was 12, I loved reading. I like reading romance and mystery and sometimes fantasy. I like reading self help and poetry. If you want to get me the perfect gift, get me a book from the list of books I have on “want to read” on goodreads.
C- Chocolate. Some would say I’m addicted to chocolate. Maybe I am. I even wrote a poem about it once. Coffee as well. I can’t live without coffee.
D- Determination. I may lack in a lot of areas, but a lot of people have told me that I’m a prime example that when you set your mind to do something, you can do it, no matter the circumstances.
E- Empathy. I’m an empath. There are 2 different types of empathy. I have one more than the other. I talked about it before on the blog. This trait helps me be compassionate with my loved ones, but it’s also exhausting because I absorb the energy in the room, positive or negative.
F- Fish. In a watching fish in an aquarium and eating fish as food (not the same fish). I’ve only been to an aquarium once in Turkey, and I wasn’t able to fully enjoy it because we were in a hurry.
G- Gratitude. I know I whine a lot about my life, but I do make an effort to be grateful, if only for my body and what it can do, my health, my religion, food, clothes, and shelter. It’s being grateful for the people in my life that I struggle with because as I told my dad “I love them so much but they are my main cause of stress”. My dad thinks it’s because I see them too often.
H- Horseback riding. I’m a big fan of horses. In fact, im afraid of all animals except horses and dolphins. For one summer of 2010, I rode horses to my hearts content. The coach even offered to train me to become a coach, but my dad wouldn’t allow it. He said to wait until I get married. I’ve tried so many times to get my husband to take me, but with no luck. Some day, I hope to be able to fulfill my dream of being a horseback riding coach. Hugs. My mom suggested this one. I’m a hug person. If I hug you when I see you, it means we are close. Otherwise, you’ll get a handshake only.
I- Insomnia. I have trouble falling asleep and sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and I’m unable to get back to bed. I often am unable to go back to bed after dawn as well. Ice cream. I scream. You scream. We all scream. For ice cream 🍨 All flavors, but mostly chocolate.
J- Jello. This is basically going to be foods I like I guess, amongst other things.
K- Kindness. I’m not the kindest person per se, but I do acts of kindness randomly without expecting anything in return. Just because I’m a decent person, I guess.
L- Laughter. I laugh with my family. I laugh at memes. Otherwise, im quite serious. Love. My grandma used to say, whatever you do, do it with love. I agree. I put my all in the things I do. I have enough passion to spread around to others and make them passionate about things. I just keep it well hidden from the people I like to call “killjoys”. There are many of them in my life.
M- Mindfulness. I struggle with this because of my anxiety but I do practice it often, even if it’s for a few minutes a day. Marshmallows. Not only do I love eating them, but my siblings used to call me marshmallow due to my big cheeks (they’re not big anymore) and white complexion.
N- Nice. I can be nice sometimes. I think. I know for a fact im nice to kids because my anxiety decreases around them.
O- Optimism. I’m not exactly an optimistic person, but I do hold onto hope a lot. Life has made me a cynic sometimes, and my depression and anxiety try to protect me from disappointment, but I have faith that I’ll make it through like I always do, and that’s my version of optimism.
P- Purple is my favorite color. Lilac to be precise, but other shades of purple work as well. Pink is my 2nd favorite color. Peanut butter. I love peanut butter. Specifically crunchy but I can make do with creamy as well.
Q- Quality time. It’s my main love language. I like to receive words of affirmation (though im too shy to give them) and physical touch means a lot to me. I get happy when I receive gifts and sometimes I like to give gifts but it’s not my preferred sign of affection. Quality time is the most important thing to me. I feel rejected if someone gives me gifts but doesn’t think im worth their time. Texts and phone calls count too. I give acts of service to those who I know acts of service is their love language, like my husband, but it’s not a thing for me.
R- Roadtrip. I’d love to go on a road trip with my friends across the US or cross country Europe. Rest. Lately, I’ve been allowing myself to rest. For someone who was raised to base her worth on her achievements and productivity level, it’s hard for me to rest without feeling lazy. Sadly, my husband views my rest as laziness too. But im trying to advocate for my need to rest while making sure I don’t get lazy.
S- Sunshine. Not as in the sun shining, even though I do like a sunny day, but I prefer partly cloudy and rainy, but not windy and cold. I’m referring to the nickname my grandmother used to call me. I was her sunshine. It’s a lot to aspire to be, as a person. I also call my son sunshine when im pleased with him. Swimming. I love swimming. I used to swim 3 times a week before I got married. Sometimes it feels like my life stopped when I got married, but then I realize it evolved. Becoming a mother, a writer, a business owner. I just wish I could go back to being athletic again. My foot operation in addition to my sedentary lifestyle both play a role in my lack of fitness, but then again, I could do yoga and pilates at home. Nobody’s stopping me but my lack of willpower and discipline. However, I do long for the days I can go swimming again, without a kid who can’t swim attached to my hip.
T- Travel. I still want to travel the world. But it’s just a wish. A dream. There is no actual plan. Not in my current circumstances. I do imagine going on book tours one day.
U- Umbrella. I’m referring to the metaphor of letting things slide off of you like an umbrella, and not being like a sponge absorbing everything around you. I aspire to be like an umbrella, for all the symbolism it carries. Also, Rihanna’s song Umbrella is a good friendship song. It is a friendship song, right?
V- Values. I have strong values I stand by. I don’t go with the flow just to fit in. Many people I know aren’t like that. I want to instill these values in my son. Honestly. Integrity. Etc.
W- Writing. I was trying to get my mom to guess what I chose for each letter. I asked her “what is my job? What do I do?” And my 7-year-old answered with no hesitation “a writer”. I’ve never been so proud that he acknowledges im a writer. My mom didn’t even guess it. I play many roles. A mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a business owner, a Muslim, and a hijabi, but a writer is a big part of my identity. I rarely channel the pharmacist in me. Sometimes I even see myself as an artist.
X– there are no X words I can think of besides Xylophone, so…i don’t know.
Y- Yearning. Again, my moms suggestion. She said that I yearn to have freedom, another child, to travel, to drive, to have a good relationship with my husband and son. It’s true.
Z- Zealous. filled with or showing a strong and energetic desire to get something done or see something succeed. I’d like to think im that way with my writing and other endeavors, including my marriage and parenting.