I wasn’t going to write today, but then my friend asked me “how are you feeling today?” And it’s like the flood gates opened in my mind. I’ve been numbing myself with escapism a lot, knowing partly it was because my mom and sister were going to travel to Turkey and that I couldn’t go with them (they’re on the plane right now).
I’m not jealous. Or maybe I am, and the guilt for feeling this way had me in bed all week, only getting up when I had to. My pain has exacerbated this week as well. Migraines, muscle pain, knee pain, lower back pain, toothaches, you name it. It feels like my body is attacking itself and my self-flagellating has materialized and become physical.
I have a lot going on right now, but I didn’t feel like talking. I’m not sure why. I’m trying to catch up on blog reading. I’m 2 weeks behind. I want to listen more than I talk, but there is this heaviness in my chest I can’t explain.
My body wakes me up at 8 am every day. Sometimes I wake up at 4 am and stay up. I feel lethargic but alert. I want to numb my thoughts, even though im not sure what my thoughts are exactly, just that they’re filled with discontent and resentment. I want to heal. I read a lot and I wish I learned from what I read.
I’m working on so many projects im overwhelmed. Several things I tried out didn’t work. I feel paralyzed and stuck in my mind. I’m binge-reading novel after novel. Good thing I have a husband, a household, and 7 year old. Otherwise, I would fade into the darkness.
I want to process without burdening my friends, who have problems of their own, with my issues. I also don’t want to blab to the internet every time im having a 1st world problem. However, journaling doesn’t work for me. I feed on feedback. I need to know im not alone. I need to know im not crazy.
I know im doing this to myself. I’m the one who isn’t abiding by her weekly schedule. I’m the one eating boatloads of sugar each day. You’d think I had a death wish. I’m the one staying up late at night, reading, when I know what it does to my body and mood the next day. I’m the one not exercising. I’m the one isolating myself. Okay, that part is not my fault. My luck with friendships is really sad and heartbreaking.
The thing is, when someone asks me how I am, I answer with good alhamdulillah (praise be to God). Sometimes I answer with a voice message. Here’s the thing, though. So much good is happening in my life right now. So many things im grateful for. My heart swells when I look at my son, spend time with him, and remember he won’t always be this little. He is growing up too fast. When I look around my house. The little things, like electricity and wifi (though in Lebanon these things specifically aren’t available 24/7), clothing and food (though everything is expensive right now). I am filled with gratitude.
But the moment someone asks me how I am feeling, I go on a rant about how my son and husband are driving me crazy, im bored at the house, im tired and in pain, and I have no friends (I had 2 passive-aggressive encounters with acquaintances this week face to face and it solidified my social anxiety). The list is endless.
I will always find something to complain about, like I bit the inside of my cheek today and it’s bleeding. It hurts. I’m hungry but can’t eat anything. Maybe it’s for the best because im getting fat.
But I will also always have things to be grateful for. So how am I feeling? I honestly don’t know. My mood shifts several times a day. I go into a rage and act all lovey-dovey hours apart. Like right now it’s 11 pm and my son is wide awake trying to convince me to let him make ninja masks instead of going to sleep. I’m trying my best to act calmly but I feel a migraine coming on.
Anyway, im going back to trying to get my son to sleep. Good night.
How are you feeling today?
If you’re struggling today, know that you’re not alone. Treat yourself with kindness and grace. Don’t expect yourself to be perfect (im trying to teach my son he doesn’t have to be perfect). You are human. It’s okay if you had an off day, or an off week, or an off month, or an off year.
Okay now im really signing off because my son wants a bedtime story. At 11:20 pm.