It’s been a crazy week and my brain is tired. Last month I was having severe anxiety. This month I’m going through moderate depression. It’s exhausting wanting to be happy but not being able to. It’s frustrating being tired all the time. I want to be happy and healthy. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly, I have no idea what to write. I just woke up, at 8:30 am, but I’m tired and I have a pulled muscle in my neck, as always. I want to update you on my life. But there’s nothing to say. It’s the same routine for the past month. Sometimes my husband takes my son to my in laws so he can get out of the house and I can have me time. Despite my son being at home almost all the time, I’m not really spending time with him. I’m busy fighting him to get up, eat, study homework, memorize Quran, brush teeth, go to bed.
He asks me a lot of questions while I’m trying to work, and I answer him to the best of my ability. Speaking of work, today the prices changed on printful (the factory that makes the print on demand products for my gumroad and storenvy shops). They informed me of the upcoming change weeks ago but I only started working on it on Monday. So I spent 2 days changing prices. Some went up. Some went down. Some stayed the same. As for my redbubble shop, I don’t have to worry about pricing. I just add the design and they do the rest. You can check out my stores here:
If you want anything custom made, we can work on a design together and I can add it to the shop. You can DM me what you have in mind and I can keep sending you pictures of the design until you approve it (and if I know you personally we can have a live session and design the product together). As for my books, I haven’t written anything new since my new poetry book “Surviving the Pandemic one poem at a time” and I’m supposed to be editing my kindle Vella into an actual novella so I can publish it to be available worldwide, but I’m not.
Also, once in a blue moon, I apply to a few jobs here and there. I definitely should be more vigilant in this domain. I guess I’m just scared because I’ve never had a real job before, nevermind an online job. I’m like a month behind on reading blogs. So many saved for later. No energy to read, but I have been reading novels. I barely have energy for those.
My phone addiction is getting worse. I’m spending 10 hours a day on my phone and I don’t know how many hours on my laptop, between work and watching Parenthood (I’m on season 2). I have no appetite, except for sweets and fruits. I have no energy or desire to exercise or take walks. When i go to sleep, i cant seem to let go of my phone. When i wake up, i cant seem to let go of my phone. I had a scare the other day. The touch on my phone stopped working. I was freaking out! An hour later i managed to restart the phone and its fine now. My laptop is old and i need a new one. I’ve been trying to get my husband to let me get a new one since January and he keeps stretching it out. I finally found the one I want, months ago, and the process of my husband letting me get it is excruciating. He made me go to the place 3 times and ask the price, as if the price will change. On the 3rd time, I asked for a discount and the man agreed. But he will give it to me without Windows, so I have to go to another store and see if they’ll give me the original windows without me having to buy a laptop from them (they didn’t have the exact laptop I want).
🙃 This emoticon describes my mood to a T. My husband offered to get me someone to clean the house a month ago and I’m still waiting I guess he forgot. He has been sitting alone and I sit alone. With our son sleeping around midnight, I either go to sleep at the same time as my son or force myself to stay up and watch another episode before I sleep. We do sit together during the day for a few minutes at a time, but he never looks up from his phone. He is even more addicted than I am, but is mostly plugged in to the news.
Speaking of addictions, mine are getting worse. I have a few. I don’t talk about them all, but they affect me greatly. I feel like I have no willpower.
My son woke up yesterday with what looked like mosquitoes bites all over his legs. My husband thinks it’s bed mites and I think it’s an allergy because my husband keeps covering my son up in this heat with no AC. I gave him allergy medicine last night and my husband said to hang the blankets in the sun this morning. I wrote it on my to do list, but I need to get off my phone to actually do it.
So I wiped the banisters and put the blankets out in the sun. Then I woke up my son and started making my coffee. I’m stqrving but have no appetite. I ate 5 pieces of apricot and 2 pieces of Halkoum (a Turkish sugary treat) when I woke up this morning.
I plan on calling my mom, sister and brother today, but I don’t know if they will answer when I call. I need to check the right time to call. I’m getting anxious just thinking about calling (yes I get socially anxious with my family too).
Beepo woke up, and then the app crashed and won’t open. They said it has a bug.
Its 1 pm and I’m trying to get my son to study. It’s not working. I tried promising him Disney Junior when he studies, but since he already had his phone screentime, he doesn’t care. The pulled muscle in my shoulder isn’t lessening, and having to mop the balcony and carry the mattress out upon my husband’s request didn’t help. I want to nap but I can’t because my husband is napping and if I nap, my son will come annoy us both. I know! I will push myself to do yoga. That should help my shoulder and lift my mood!
I hugged my son and told him I removed all threats and punishments and since he is playing quietly, he can continue playing independently with his toys as long as he is having fun. But the moment he gets bored, it’s study time. So as soon as I began my yoga session, he came to me, bored. I had him get his maths book, open to the page, get a scratch notebook, and draw a table while I did my yoga. We just finished our tasks at the same time.
It’s 3:30 pm and I’m bored. I didn’t have lunch yet and I don’t feel like eating from what I cooked, but whenever I suggest anything to my husband, who also doesn’t feel like eating from what I cooked on Monday, he says he doesn’t feel like it. I’m thinking of doing whatever I want and if he wants to eat with me, so be it.
He ended up eating what his mom sent over a few days ago and I had a breakfast sandwich. 🙃 I want pizza 🍕 😫 😩
My son is currently singing to himself. We are all bored and hot with no electricity.
This is like a lame reality TV show but in writing. I’ve never been more uninspired. My husband took my son for a haircut just now and I just realized I forgot to take a before picture. Anyway, let me try to be inspiring. After all, electricity doesn’t come back for another hour. I’ve been reading habit 5 of “The 7 habits of highly effective people” and I’m reading about empathic listening. I think I do that. Do I do that? I don’t know. Should i do a blog post about empathic listening? I’m so bored. I don’t know what to do. I have a few downloaded courses on LinkedIn I could watch. I also have the coursera course i havent touched all week but I’m at an assignment which I keep procrastinating. Besides, I need electricity and wifi to do the coursera assignment.
I’m supposed to rest now. I’m so tired but I don’t know how to rest. Eid is in 3 days and I’m just like…blah.
I’m off to do dishes, get a load of laundry ready, and put sheets on my son’s beds. I’m bored of resting, despite my shoulder that not only has a pulled muscle but also spread to my neck. I’ll listen to a podcast while I do them so I don’t get bored.
So all in all, it’s been an okay day so far. For some reason, when my husband and son got back, I wasn’t relaxed at all. I was very high strung. Now my son is bathing while I watch Parenthood. The evening is yet to unfold, and it might bring with it tantrums and lots of yelling, or not. The situation in Lebanon is worsening. I just got a message that the phone bills are times 15 and the little electricity we have may not last. We may be heading into total darkness. No electricity. No water. No wifi. Maybe that’s why I’m so stressed out.
But right now in this moment, I’m grateful for my husband and son, though they drive me crazy. I’m grateful for my home and for everything I have. I’m working on myself and on my dreams and goals.