Hello and welcome to my blog! I want to write something positive and meaningful but I’m so tired. Depression is exhausting me. Today was the 1st day of Eid AL Adha. Eid Mubarak! The thing is, I wish I was able to enjoy it, but…depression.
I enjoyed my morning, kind of. After lashing out at my husband for a trivial reason, I went to eid prayer. I enjoyed it because I met up with my sisters, parents, nephew and niece. However, I noticed my focus was off. I tried really hard to focus and spend time with everyone, but that’s the thing with trying to spend one on one time with everyone. Someone is always left out. This time it was my mom. I mean, I gave her attention and spent time with her, but my sister and niece were competing for my attention simultaneously.
Anyway, then we then went to my grandmothers house. It was really fun. I like being in a place where I feel loved and appreciated, but at the same time I struggled to focus and give my energy to others. By 1 pm I was so exhausted I needed to lie down, but my sister and niece were still vying for my attention so I ended up not falling asleep.
Then I went to my in laws and had lunch there. I found out that my son, who had been there all morning, was unhappy. I tried my best to make him feel better but he seemed content playing with Legos as long as I didn’t bring up the issue. Avoidance attachment much?
My son was basically an angel at my in laws and even when we went out to have ice cream, but by the time we got home at 9 pm, he was exhausted and I got into a big fight with him because I was exhausted too. I had napped at my in laws at 3 pm but I was still tired.
So after my son went to sleep, I went on a rant to my husband about how I’m unhappy and how it’s his fault. Then I thought about it and in the spirit of fairness, told him all the reasons why I’m not happy.
- My situation with my family is very complicated. Sometimes we get along but sometimes there are things a sibling does that bothers me and my family is very passive aggressive with conflict. Anyway, it’s complicated.
- My friendship situation. I say i dont have any friends. What i mean is i dont have anyone to hang out with regularly. It makes me feel very lonely and unwanted.
- My lack of success with my businesses. I’m working so hard taking courses, publishing books, making designs, etc. I’m not seeing any tangible results. It’s very discouraging sometimes.
- My son’s tantrums and antics, though normal for a 7 year old boy, drive me crazy.
- My husband and all the ways he is lacking in our relationship, like how im the one always compromising, and how he takes up 90% of the space and then makes me feel like a burden for taking up 10% (I actually explained this to him). I also told him, in all fairness, that sometimes I’m happy with him and sometimes I’m not.
Now that I gave you a list of things I’m unhappy about, here is a list of things I’m grateful for:
- My religion. Being a somewhat religious hijabi who wears a abaya, doesn’t wear make up or jewelry with her scarf, and is well behaved and modest is something I’m blessed with.
- Whatever success i have had in the past is something I have immense gratitude for.
- My husband, who works hard to provide for us and helps me discipline our son.
- My son, who is smart and brave and strong and cute.
- My dad, who raised me to love books and reading. I wouldn’t be who I am today without him.
- The food in my fridge and pantry.
- The clothes in my closet.
- The house i live in and all the furniture
The list goes much longer but it’s half past midnight and I’m going to pass out. I’ve been up since 4 am today. Good night.