Pinstanthrophobia: A Poem

Pistanthrophobia is a phobia of getting hurt by someone in a romantic relationship. A phobia is a type of anxiety disorder that presents as persistent, irrational, and excessive fear about a person, activity, situation, animal, or object.

It’s at the tip of my tongue
But I can’t say it
Everything I’m feeling
So I keep praying

There’s a thought in my head that they are better off
And a sinking feeling in my gut that I might be wrong
And the heaviness in my chest suffocates me more
So I don’t know what to trust anymore

I’m so wishy washy
I’m confused why you stay
What do you see in me?
I deserve for you to hate

Because I talk about you all the time
Always complain about you
Say i wish you were never mine
Oh how I feel about you

And I live with regret
Then I find out
All this time it’s in my head
Want to scream and shout

What is real?
Why am I scared of all the things that I feel?
Will I ever heal?
I can’t believe I’m traumatized by everyone I hold so dear

Wake up depressed
I don’t even want to get out of my bed
No appetite
Then suddenly I’m hungry for everything in sight

Always on edge
I’m like a ticking bomb and I will blow about what you just said
I feel ignored
It’s a lonely feeling like you don’t care about me anymore

But then once in a while you surprise me
I overthink because I’m used to avoiding your fury
And all the emotional manipulation you put me through
All these years was I imagining everything you told me, too?

And now I’m lying wide awake
At midnight I can’t sleep
An hour ago I was content
Thanking you for being sweet

And you didn’t do anything wrong
But now I feel like something’s wrong
Like you have a hidden motive
Or maybe you’ve changed and I just noticed

Maybe it’s in my head
But some things are real
Is this all a deliberate stead?
I’m not sure how to feel

It’s so hard to live without trust
And be so paranoid
There’s a whole valley between us
And I don’t know how to fill the void

This song has been stuck in my head since I 1st heard it yesterday:

Phobias by Johnny Orlando. Describes me to a T.

2 responses to “Pinstanthrophobia: A Poem”

  1. “I fear to trust and love”

    Liked by 1 person

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