Poetry Friday: Like the Titanic

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome to Poetry Friday. I was going to bring back a poem I posted a few years ago. I even deleted the original post to avoid duplicate posts, but reading it, I cringed (my style has evolved since then, thankfully) and I also found the words irrelevant to how I feel today. So I decided to write a new poem on the spot.

I’m happy today. I had a nice Eid. I spent time with my family and in-laws. I ate a lot of ice cream. I went to the sea (I didn’t swim). Check out my Instagram for some awesome pictures and videos. However, this does not mean my life is problem-free. I bickered with my husband a lot but we also reconciled and I decided to forgive him for everything in the past (I have been holding onto a lot of resentment and I needed to forgive him for my inner peace). My grandmother’s health also isn’t very well and my health has been awful all Eid. Last but not least, the situation in Lebanon is terrible and although I pretend not to think about it, it’s in the back of my head and it’s all that everybody talks about.

I decided to write a villanelle poem (I wrote in this style twice before) because it’s been a while and I’ve had a long day and I have a migraine so some structure should get my creative juices flowing.

Villanelle : Like the Titanic

I’m trying not to panic
Lebanon has started to sink
Like the Titanic

I busy myself with being dynamic
Just so I don’t have to think
I’m trying not to panic

The economic state is volcanic
An iceberg ahead on the brink*
Like the Titanic

The poverty rate is tragic
The government is out of sync
I’m trying not to panic

The people are fanatic**
Their spirits began to sink
Like the Titanic

This is all so traumatic
I need to talk about it with a shrink
I’m trying not to panic
Like the Titanic

---

*If you are on the brink of something, usually something important, terrible, or exciting, you are just about to do it or experience it. Example: Their economy is teetering on the brink of collapse. 

**Fanatic or frenzied means in a state of hurry, panic or wild activity.

Here  are  some  ideas  for  writing  your  own  villanelles.   
Write  about: – – – – – –
a  memory  you  can’t  get  rid  of.
a  bad  habit.
a  recurring  dream.
a  superstition.
an  irrational  fear.
an  obsessive  desire  for  someone  or  something.

Poetry Friday: If I’m okay

Hello and welcome to my blog! Things in Lebanon are chaotic at the moment, but I’m okay, or at least I will be because I have God and a loving family.

I’m in the process of editing my old blogs, perfecting my work if you may, and I’m bringing back the poems I posted before I began the Poetry Friday series (and deleting the original posts).

If I’m okay

I’m just

Trying not to think too far

Trying not to feel too hard

Busy counting all my stars

Thankful for everything

I try

To focus on what I can control

One mistake and the ball rolls

It snowballs out of control

Then I lose everything

Trying to improve my reality

Trying to show the best side of me

Trying to leave my comfort zone

And make personal growth my norm

My friends are asking how I’m doing

And I don’t know what to say

It varies based upon my mood and

Changes by the time of day

I wish I was brave

I wish I was strong

I wish I could smile

And my problems be gone

I wish I could do all the things that I want

I wish I could go to all the places I want

But I do what I can with what I have

And I’m grateful for everyone who helps me out

So please don’t ask me if I’m okay

My answer will change every day

Just tell me good morning, have a great day

And I’ll do the best that I can

Because life isn’t perfect but it’s not terrible

There’s magic in the chaos, it makes it bearable

And I’m praying for things to get better

I won’t give up on my dreams or surrender

I’ll keep on working to be a better me

Sometimes it’s exhausting to be human

I know I don’t do enough as a friend

But I’m trying my best and I don’t pretend

Poetry Friday: Bridges

Hello and welcome to my blog! I’ve had a long day today, and I know I say this every day, but I’m exhausted! I went to my grandparents to see my uncle and his wife before they head back to the US where they live, but the exhausting part was before and after.

Dealing with a husband who is constantly in a bad mood is exhausting. I have to walk on eggshells, and when I get to the point where now I’m in a bad mood because his mood rubbed off on me, he switches and acts normal and I snap, so he snaps back to a bad mood. It’s a weird dynamic. Please don’t give me marriage advice. My marriage is too topsy-turvy right now and I’m getting a bit dizzy but I’m dealing, kind of. I’m finding other things to make me happy, like blogging.

Anyway, since I had such a day, inspiration hasn’t struck to write a poem, and the notes section of unfinished poems on my phone are too depressing (even darker than how I feel now) so I’m bringing back a poem I posted in 2017, but with better grammar (thanks to Grammarly).

Bridges

Sometimes I feel lonely
Even when I’m not alone
But sometimes I feel worthy
Loved and cherished to the bone

I know I’m super moody
But at the end of the day
I have a couple of friends
And family-ish bonds
It makes me contemplate

I say why do I have such few friends?
Is the problem in me or is it just them?
Do I need to change?
What were my mistakes?
Hold up!
Maybe I’m better off this way

Because I cross the same bridge a few times
Before I finally learn
That some bridges are to be crossed
And some should be burned

I try so hard I’m relentless
But sometimes I just go “f*** this”
Some people are worth fighting for
But most aren’t worth the hurt

Most people are two-faced lying snobs
Fake smiles and hidden agendas
I know a person or a few that fit the profile
Only talk to me when they need something

The hardest decisions in life
Are the one in which you decide
Whether to give up or try
One more time
And the one in which you decide
Whether to build a bridge
From your side
Or burn the bridge down
Because it’s not worth the fight

I’m a pretty loyal person
And I get that people have lives
But I believe it’s a matter of priority
Who you give from your time

This is a good poem about friendships and holding on for too long. Honestly, I feel I have 3 friends, and 2 of them live abroad. I barely see the 3rd one. As for my marriage, I’m working on it. Sometimes I feel like we have a good marriage but we need to work on a few things. Other times I feel miserable and emotionally abused. Sometimes I feel like I’m the emotional abuser. All I know is it’s hard to know reality from anxiety and depression. The lens through which I see life and people is distorted. I’ll keep working on myself and pray that God helps me make the right decisions in life and that he surrounds me with good friends and good company and makes me good company.

P. S. Shocking news. I’m actually a pretty fun person with my family in the absence of my husband and son. I laughed so much at my grandparents.

Poetry Friday: Happiness eludes me

I watch the sun rise

Feel the breeze on my face

The power’s out, I realize

But my joy isn’t phased

What is this vibe?

It’s like the stars aligned

Is this what it’s like?

To be content

Because happiness eludes me

It seems like a delusion

The moment I hold on to it

It drifts away

And I’m left shipwrecked

This heaviness in my chest

Is so familiar

I almost forget it’s pain

And I’m flooded with regrets

Shame and confusion

I don’t know why I do this

But this pain is comforting

Sometimes I chase happiness

Sometimes I search for meaning

It’s impossible to feel blessed

With my anxiety like demons

But it’s like

It’s become my identity

Like I’m broken

And I need someone to fix me

Theoretically

I know what to do but

It’s a lifelong journey

And it’s a bit too much

I know that I should love myself

I know I should be kind

But I don’t eat or sleep well

And I occasionally exercise

It’s like I have a death wish

I feel so lost and helpless

I think I’m co-dependant

But I don’t want to be

My hands are shaking

From too much caffeine

And intermittent sleeping

My social skills are weak

I wish I could be put together

Like other people that I know

But maybe they’re all just a mess

And they’re putting on a show

Focusing on myself

And my surroundings

It helps me to relax

And keeps me grounded

The magnets and stickers on my fridge

Remind me of the miracle that is

My sunshine, my sweety pie

The Apple of my eye

I have shelter, food and clothes

I’ll never take for granted

I have running water, who knows?

How long it will last and

I have so much, yet I complain

Does that mean I am vain?

It just means I’m human

And I’m trying

Poetry Friday: My mental states of being

The sun is shining outside

I have so much good in my life

I’m grateful for all the love I have

Grounded by peace inside

No moles infesting my mind

I’m mindful of everything I do

Then suddenly

A switch goes off inside of me

And then I feel so blue

It’s like a bad dream

Like someone turned out all the lights

And all I see are blurry hues

I start to count all of my failures

And all the things I could do more

The things I find no time for

The things I feel are like a chore

I start comparing my results

To those who I deem successful

And suddenly I feel so burnt out

And I think I’m such a failure

So I take out my metaphorical whip

The one I use to lash myself

For not having as much success

For not having enough happiness

And I start to complain

Then look for ways to numb my brain

And I look around at who’s to blame

And I resent them for everything

It’s so exhausting to be like this

One moment everything is bliss

Then suddenly I’m panicking

My heart feels so heavy

Some days I drag myself out of bed

And hate myself for being sad

Then anger takes me to the edge

Before I go back to my present state

It’s hard to tell who I am

Am I the mindful grateful human being?

Or am I the raging weeping machine?

Which one of them is the real me?

I can never tell

I can read self-help books all I want

Chant affirmations and whatnot

But unless I find the reason why

I jump so often in between

All these mental states of being

I will never truly heal

So my goal is not to chase happiness

But to find the meaning in the pain

And to stop waiting for circumstances

To change for me to change

Poetry Friday: It’s Summertime but I just want to sleep

Hello and welcome to my blog! My son was drawing superheroes yesterday (his new hobby is now drawing the characters of the phone game Heroes inc.) and he was drawing one in colorful clothes when I noticed the characters name was fiesta and he told him so (each character has a name but there are so many so only sometimes do I tell my son some of the names) and I explained that fiesta is Spanish for party and that a similar-sounding word siesta means the exact opposite, nap. Then I came up with the rhyme “while everyone’s off at a fiesta, I could use one more siesta” and for the next hour, I kept getting more and more rhymes in my head as I did the laundry and pestered my son to eat his lunch.

Before I knew it, I had a whole poem:

It’s summertime

The best time of the year

Vacation time

That is, unless you have kids

I don’t want to go to the park (they’re closed anyway due to covid)

I don’t want to go in the heat (not that I was going out before summer anyway)

I just want to go to a spa (is there even one for hijabis?)

Or to a nature retreat (like that one in Yalova)

While everyone is out at a fiesta

I could use one more siesta

It’s summertime

But I just want to sleep

It’s summertime

I got so many books to read

You call me up for adventure

But I’d rather go alone

No kids with me as I venture

Into the unknown

I don’t want to have to worry

About the next time he needs to eat

I don’t want to have to hurry

Because he needs to sleep

It’s summertime

But I’m not free

I’m a mom just getting by

When he starts school again, I’ll be free

It dawned on me that moms don’t get a vacation. I already knew that because I’m a mom, but I used to love summer. Before I got married, summer meant field trips and seeing my friends and long naps and going swimming. Now it’s just heat and boredom. My husband is a homebody so we’re not going anywhere, and even if we go, I’m going to have to spend the whole trip making sure my son behaves, eats, and doesn’t get hurt, and then we have to be home before 6 pm because that’s when his tiredness meltdowns begin.

I was lucky to be able to go to Turkey for 4 summers in a row, even though my son drove me crazy, but I would suck it up all summer long that I wasn’t going anywhere just because for 10 days we were going to pack in a lot of activities and have so much fun I would be exhausted after 2 days. I’m not trying to complain. I wish I could go back to those summers rather than stay at home all day with my son. I don’t mind staying home all day most of the time, and then going out once a week. It’s my son nagging me everytime he sees me on my phone or laptop that bothers me, and the guilt I feel from not playing with him enough, and how awful I feeling looking at him bored and not being able to do anything about it.

We have been putting him in summer camp for the past few years, though, so that’s better than nothing, but the time he is at summer camp isn’t enough for me to go out hiking or swimming or to do something fun and worthwhile. I’m so tired and burnt out and overwhelmed right now, I need a vacation not a MOMcation.

What are your plans for summer?

Poetry Friday: Healing is a journey

Hello and welcome to my blog! It’s been a rollercoaster lately. Some days I just want to stay in bed. Other days I feel so motivated and inspired. Some days I check everything on my to do list. Other days I do the bare minimum and binge watch TV shows instead.

When you have no responsibility onto others, your bad days only affect you. But that rarely is the case. A lot of you have kids, siblings, a spouse, or parents in the same household, and when you need your space, they rarely ever give it to you. So what do you do? Well, speaking for myself, I lash out until I get my space. Sometimes I get my space for days or weeks in a row, followed by days or weeks of no space at all.

Then there’s the guilt over lashing out and the apologies, then wondering what’s wrong with me, why can’t I control my anger, and downright hating on myself. There’s also the frustration from circumstances and not being in tune with my goals (binge eating and not exercising).

Then I remember I’m on a journey.

I hit a rough patch lately, but I’m not always like this. Even day to day, I have small wins. Like today, I yelled at my son a bit, but I also played ludo with him, helped him organize his papers, mopped the house, made the beds, did the dishes and laundry, sat on the balcony with my son while we ate ice cream and I watched the trees blow with the wind and listened to the sound of birds chirping nearby.

I also lost my cool again tonight when he refused to brush his teeth, as he does every night, but I kept in mind that I’m on a healing journey and if I want to teach him to control his emotions, I need to learn to control mine. It really helped me calm down and calm him down.

Anyway, enjoy this poem I wrote today about healing with your loved ones:

Healing is a journey

I still have long to go

Looking back to where I was

I’ve lost my sight of shore

Stuck in survival mode

I forgot what’s it’s like to thrive

Hiding in my comfort zone

I needed to feel alive

And then you came and rescued me

I didn’t know I needed saving

All the things that you taught me

How could you be so amazing?

But half the time you drive me crazy

You’re the only one who can enrage me

Sometimes I feel like this is toxic

And other times it feels exotic

We’re all broken

In different ways

We can either heal together

Or go our separate ways

Watch the glass break in slow motion

Watch the waves move in the ocean

Watch me as I lay there broken

Watch me as I build myself again

Not one of us is perfect

I can attest to that

I can play victim all day long

But I know better than that

Working on my patience

Protecting my energy

Working on a balance

Will you heal with me?

Healing is a journey

And I’ve had some setbacks

It’s my rollercoaster journey

And this is my comeback

How is your healing going?

Poetry Friday: I’m here

Hello and welcome to my blog! It’s been a long day today. I’ve been up since 4 am. I did housework and worked on my laptop. Being at home all day is exhausting in itself, especially since my son wouldn’t let me nap. Even though my brain is fried, I didn’t want to let you down on poetry Friday, so I closed my eyes and summoned my muse. It doesn’t always work, but this time it did.

This week’s poem: I’m here

I know when you act up

You just need love and care

I know when you clam up

You’re just feeling scared

---

If I’m being honest

I’m just winging it

Sometimes all this

Is too much to give

---

Sometimes I need a break

It has nothing to do with you

My sanity is at stake

And I know it affects you too

---

I may not have all the answers

And I may not always do as I say

Responsibility has me battered

But I’m here and I’m here to stay

---

I will lift you up when you’re feeling low

I’ll be with you when you’re all alone

Holding your hand

Helping you stand

---

Life will throw you curveballs along the way

I hope you learn the lessons it means to teach

I’ll stand with you in the sunshine and the rain

You can lean on me when you feel weak

---

Because I can’t explain

My love for you

It goes beyond logic

But I’m here to stay

I’ll be here with you

Witness all your magic

---

Because when you grow up, you’ll do amazing things

You amaze me now when you’re just a kid

If it’s in the cards, you’ll have a kin

Until then, it’s you and me, kid.

---

I literally had to hide in the bathroom to write this. It’s really sad but my son is acting up because I didn’t really spend much one on one time with him today. Not more than 15 minutes. I’ve been on my phone or laptop or cooking and doing housework. He really needs me attention. I try to hug him and kiss him as often as I can but it doesn’t seem to satisfy him for long. He wants me to play with him but I’m bloated and nauseated because I’ve been eating a lot of junk food lately. I can’t seem to find the will power to stop eating so many sweets, thus feeling groggy and not energetic. Plus, I’ve been up since 4 am because I couldn’t sleep.

Despite my imperfect parenting, I love my son so much and although my moods and energy levels don’t show it as much as I want to, I think he knows it. He is an amazing smart cute strong willed kid and I’m lucky to have him.

Since the pandemic, it’s been hard on both of us. I crave me time and adult connection while he misses playing on the playground with other kids and going places to play with his cousins.

How has the pandemic affected you?

Poetry Friday: What would you choose?

Hello and welcome to my blog! I was watching a YouTube video the other day and the cast of chicken girls on Brat channel (yes, I watch that channel) was being interviewed and among the questions they were asked was “would you choose 1 million followers on TikTok or eternal happiness?” And most of them picked the followers but only a few picked eternal happiness.

I thought it was intriguing so I decided to ask my version of the question but with money because I don’t even have TikTok and I don’t care about it. If I were to be asked 1 million views on my blog, however, I don’t know…

If you had the choice

Between a million dollars

And eternal happiness

What would you choose?

I’d choose a million bucks

Go try my luck

I can see myself owning all the things I want

A desk and a camera

Massage chair and treadmill

Books and a bookcase

A car and a mansion

But what I want more is experiences

I’d pay a whole lot more just to live it up

Go around the world with my family and friends

Have a little adventure before my time is up

But what I want the most

It can’t be bought

It’s not something to boast

Inner peace and whatnot

To sleep well at night

To smile with your eyes

To have a reason to wake up

Someone to tell good night

There’s no such thing as eternal happiness

But with the right mindset, you can live in bliss

You can buy all the things that you want

All the gadgets, books, and whatnot

But if you’re not content with what you have

No amount of money will make you glad

And if you have all the money in the world

But no one to spend it on, you’ll feel alone

Because happiness is not complete

Until it’s shared with who you love

It doesn’t matter who you meet

But who stays through the highs and lows

What would you choose?

1 million dollars or eternal happiness

I asked my son this question and he chose 1 million dollars too.

Throwback Thursday: Just a bunch of souls

Hello and welcome to my blog! This throwback Thursday, I found a poem I wrote a year ago.

We’re just a bunch of fragile souls
Looking for the next high
Navigating through the lows
Until everything’s alright

We fix a smile to the camera
Hope the pain doesn’t show
Hide behind passive aggression
And pray that no one knows

That we’re hurting inside
That we’re failing to find
A little peace of mind
And a good sleep at night

We try to act all tough and mighty
Like we got our act together
Until we break down crying
At the next endeavor

We take up hobbies to cope
With the fact that we’re alive
Some people like to mope
And complain about their lives

But then we have these moments
Of complete clarity
A laugh born in the moment
A smile of sincerity

We think back upon the past
Sometimes with melancholy
Sometimes with regret
Sometimes with happiness

Like I remember when I met you
You made my world complete
Then I remember how I hurt you
Thank you for forgiving me

Because we’re all a bunch of souls
Looking for forgiveness
Someone to love us as a whole
Someone to actually “get us”

We try to seem sophisticated
Like we’re different from everyone
But it’s not so complicated
Think of it as one plus one

We all want to be accepted
We all want to be understood
We all want to be appreciated
Through our highs and lows

We’re each unique in our own way
Each one of us has power to feed on
We can each shine in our own way
We just have to turn the lights on

We’re just a bunch of lost souls
Looking for each other
Looking for a glimpse of our soul
To love in one another

So close your eyes
And see with your soul
Wipe off all the lies
You’re already whole

This poem still rings true. It’s so powerful and deep. I haven’t been sleeping well and I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m freaking out on the inside about tomorrow. I’m excited but I’m also really anxious. I didn’t prepare questions to ask because I would probably forget the questions anyway. I’m waiting for my son to sleep so I can prepare the practical things I need for the outing.

If you’re new here, let me fill you in. Tomorrow I’m going on a picnic with 44 other people. We all volunteer at the same place but I’ve only ever interacted briefly with 2 or 3 of them. I’m sure they’re all nice people but my social anxiety is kicking in and I’m trying to play cool but I’ve been emotionally eating and sleeping past midnight all week!

Psychologically, I’m not prepared. There’s a lot of pressure on me about tomorrow. I feel like I’m in high school all over again. I can’t be myself with them since I can’t speak English or talk about my blogs and books. I’ll just see what everyone else is doing and go along and I’ll try not to smile too awkwardly. I’ll also participate in the organized activities they have planned. It should be fun. I’m not used to having fun anymore. Oh boy, I’m freaking out. Last night I couldn’t breathe when I was trying to sleep and I started hyperventilating. Deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay.

This poem was a great reminder for me today that we’re all just a bunch of souls so I should stop thinking about these people as different than me and think of them as similar. They’re all religious and they all love nature. I’ll find more things in common…

Any suggestions?