Throwback Thursday: What if (a poem)

Hello and welcome to my blog! A year has passed since I wrote this poem, and we’re pretty much in the same situation. I’m able to take walks now though, and have more me time. I’m happy these past few days and I don’t want to say anything to jinx it, so I won’t say why.

Anyway, enjoy this poem I wrote exactly a year ago (I know it’s not poetry Friday but a year ago I didn’t have this system).

Inspired by Angel, the bird 🐦 

Do you ever wonder?
When you see a bird sing
If it's happy or sad
Do you ever wonder?
When a dog's barking
If it's barking mad

What if animals had feelings
Do you think that they would cry?
Stay up all night staring at the ceiling
Wondering why?

What if when you went to the zoo
Would the bear like it if you played the kazoo?
What if the llama
Is all about the drama

Do you think sibling animals bicker and fight?
Or maybe the couples stay up all night
Talk about their feelings
What they are dreaming

What if the animals could speak
Do you think they'd complain like we do?
Do you think they'd talk softly or shriek?
Do you think they'd have hobbies too?

I know they made a few movies about this
But as i admire my birds i can't help but think
What if they feel trapped in their cages
This quarantine got me projecting my feelings on my birds, i think

I still have my bird Angel and he still sings like an angel.

He wouldn’t sing on film. He freaks out when I get the camera next to the cage.

I realize that almost a year from now when I get back to my 1st Throwback Thursday post, I’ll have to stop Throwback Thursday posts. Otherwise, I’ll have to write a throwback of a throwback. It’s okay, though. I’ll probably change the schedule long before then.

What do you think? Are you enjoying this new blogging schedule?

Transformation Tuesday: Did I achieve my goals from 2016?

Hello and welcome to my blog! As you know by now if you’re reading my blogs, I have been making monthly goals since November 2020. However, before that, I used to make yearly goals.

As much as monthly goals are important, it’s easy to lose sight of long term progress with monthly goals, so I decided to go back to 2016, the 1st time I made yearly goals.

I had just moved to my current house and my son was 1 years old. I had just gotten out of my post partum depression and I began working on cognitive behavioral therapy on my own, reading self help books, and I made goals and an action plan.

Today I’m going to state those goals and tell you if I have achieved them or not.

My goals from 2016

  1. Raise my son to become a good Muslim
  2. Become a better person everyday
  3. Change my husband to the better
  4. Do everything with love
  5. Be a successful pharmacist
  6. Reach 58kg weight

1st off, I feel like my goals were too general. They weren’t SMART goals. They weren’t specific, measurable, attainable, or time based, no matter how relevant they were to my life as a mom and wife.

The 1st goal is a wish, not a goal because I can’t control how my son turns out. I can try my best and hope he turns out okay. The only thing I can control is to try not to traumatize him.

The 2nd goal is very general and is a lifelong journey of ups and downs.

The 3rd goal is very unrealistic. If I’ve been trying to change myself for the past 5 years and I still feel pretty much the same, how can I even think of changing my husband. What I have learned in these past 5 years, specifically this past year, is that when you accept someone as they are, they become more willing to change and improve on their own. It’s a process.

The 4th goal is too unrealistic. As much as I want to do everything with love, I can’t. There are some things that I must do, even when I don’t feel like doing them, because that’s adulting for you. It’s full of responsibility.

The 5th goal has been replaced with another goal, to become a best selling author. I have forgotten everything I learned in pharmacy school, and I stopped trying 2 years ago. I’m just not passionate about pharmacy, and besides, I found my passion in my blogs and my books.

My final goal is specific but not realistic. I’m lucky if I can get to 60kg. I was doing well with increasing my physical activity since November 2020 but the past month, I’ve been eating too much junk food and not exercising enough. I’m hoping this Ramadan helps reset my metabolism. At least I won’t be able to snack during the day.

Do you have the same goals you had 5 years ago?

Motivational Monday: How to spruce up your mornings

Hello and welcome to my blog! I finished a 21 day challenge for morning routines today. I really enjoyed it. Half the things I did during the day, not necessarily in the morning, and I didn’t do them all in order. Some things, like making my bed and tidying up, were already things I did everyday in the morning.

I don’t exactly have a set in stone morning routine (I should have one) and some days I’m super productive, while others I’m super lazy, or tired. I did this challenge in order to add more structure to my mornings and increase my productivity. I was also hoping it would help my mental health. Some of the activities did.

21 days to a better morning

Day 1

Listen to your favorite music playlist to put you in a good mood in the morning. I listened to an upbeat song.

Day 2

Write a morning gratitude list. I did, in my notes.

Day 3

Do some stretching after you wake up. I did. It helped a lot.

Day 4

Make yourself a healthy, delicious and energetic breakfast. Oh boy was this hard. I really struggle to eat healthy breakfast because I always wake up in a hurry to get things done and I’m too lazy to prepare anything. I wish I had a personal chef.

Day 5

Write a to-do list for today. I do this everyday, except on Saturday and Sunday.

Day 6

Connect with your family and friends or send a simple good morning text to someone you love. I sent a good morning text to a friend, and also spent some time with family.

Day 7

Journal, paint, play an instrument…do something that fuels your creativity. I painted tulips, the sun, and a blue sky.

Day 8

Write 5 things you’re proud of yourself for. I did. It wasn’t easy because I’m my number one critic, but I’m learning to be my number one fan too.

Day 9

Meditate for 15 minutes. I meditated for 5 minutes. Meditation is hard for me, okay! I can’t sit still.

Day 10

Drink a glass of water before breakfast. I take a drink of water before breakfast. I think that day I took 3 drinks. I measured my water intake last month and turns out I drink about 0.5L of water a day, sometimes less (this is pure water, not counting the water in my tea, green tea and coffee).

Day 11

Open your windows for fresh air and let some sunshine in. I do that almost everyday, but sometimes I forget, so this was a good reminder.

Day 12

Take a walk or do a home workout session. I did both.

Day 13

Read a chapter of your favorite book. I don’t have a favorite book, so I read a chapter from the book I’m currently reading.

Day 14

15 minutes of yoga. Honestly, I did 9 minutes.

Day 15

Listen to a podcast or audiobook while you’re getting ready. I’m not going anywhere so I’m not getting ready but I listened to a podcast while doing dishes and making my coffee.

Day 16

Go outside and just breath the fresh morning air. This was harder than I thought it would be. I’ve come so accustomed to staying home that the thought of stepping onto my balcony doesn’t even occur to me.

Day 17

Make a list of 3 things to do for the day. I usually circle my top 3 tasks of the day in the morning.

Day 18

Avoid checking morning news and social media. This was a bit difficult to do but I started listening to podcasts as soon as I wake up so that I don’t open social media.

Day 19

Make your bed and tidy up your space to feel more productive. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I already do this everyday.

Day 20

Choose an affirmation to guide your day (for example: ‘today is a great day’, ‘I feel wonderful and alive’,…). I chose: I give thanks in every moment.

Day 21

Take a shower and get ready even if you’re not going anywhere. I did this in the evening because I had a long busy day and it’s hard to squeeze in shower time as a mom. I either wait for my husband to come home or occupy my son with screentime while I shower so he doesn’t get scared or into mischief alone (one time the tv fell on his leg while I was in the bathroom because he was climbing. Luckily, his leg didn’t break).

To do this challenge, go to:

Reblog: Don’t Wait to do Good

“The actions will lead, and the heart follows.”

Don’t Wait to do Good

Motivating read from Izzat that I just read, especially since Ramadan is 9 days away.

I’ve been eating too many carbs lately

I think I overwhelmed myself with preramadan goals and ramadan goals this year.

No energy since 12pm (been up since 5am) and a 20 item to do list (not counting dishes, laundry and tidying up). I finished 13 so far. I tried to nap earlier but my son wouldn’t let me. He’s been shadowing me all day. Won’t let me do my own thing. I altered my to do list to include a few activities with him. We sorted his closet together and ate lunch together and played ludo with him and 2 of his “kids”. It was a long game.

I don’t even feel like doing the rest of the stuff on my to do list. I want to sleep or watch gilmore girls (I started watching season 6 even though I was supposed to wait until after Ramadan. I only watched literally 5 minutes before my son came demanding attention). I feel bad. He has no school today so he is really bored and we can’t go anywhere because today is the last day of Lockdown over here.

Okay I’m done complaining. I’m really lucky to have a cute healthy smart son. He is amazing, really. He isn’t perfect but I’m learning so much from him about being mindful and loving family. But this introvert needs a nap, a binge watch, lots of junk food (I finished mine and I’m thinking of tapping into his) and then boot camp to force myself to exercise and eat healthy food.

Anyway, enjoy the post above. This isn’t today’s motivational Monday post but I hope it motivates you.

I need coffee… 👀

I convinced my son to play independently for 30 minutes while I read blogs in exchange for 30 minutes extra screen time afterwards (I’m that desperate). I ended up reading 3 posts and reposting this one while also writing so I guess I ended up writing a blog post.

Update: during his 60 minutes screen time (I ended up giving him an hour), I did an additional task and watched a bit of Gilmore Girls.

Self-reflection Sunday: Journal Therapy part 6

Hello and welcome to my blog! I’m currently detoxing from nescafe, not caffeine in general, but not entirely. Let me explain.

Ramadan is in 9 days and since I’ll be fasting from dawn until sunset, I can only have 1 cup of coffee before dawn. I usually have 2 cupps of coffee, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. So for the past few days, I’ve been drinking black tea instead of my 2nd coffee and in a few days I’m going to switch that even to green tea.

I know, I know, nobody cares. Anyway, today for our self reflection session, I’m going to continue with the questions from the current prompt I’m using (I have so many other prompts in line, you just wait).

Journal Therapy Writing prompt for Healing

What would your life be like if you didn’t have…?

My 1st thought was phone. My life without my phone is chaotic. My whole life is on my phone. My blog, my podcast, my friends, everything. My 2nd thought was my husband and son so it’s good to know they come second after my phone 😂.

If you had to pick one bad memory or experience you could rewrite the outcome, what would it be and how would you think of the experience differently?

So many things, honestly. For starters, my entire childhood. Just kidding. I keep thinking of certain memories and experiences and I realize that everything I’ve been through has shaped me to be who I am today. However, if I must choose 1 memory or experience, I’d choose my 1st trip to Turkey with my husband and I’d erase the events that ruined my mood for that trip and also focus on the positive aspects of that trip.

I hope you enjoyed these Self-reflection prompts.

How to manifest what you want by coloring

Hello and welcome to my blog! I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately (trying to catch up) and several posts in the past few days were about complaining. They said that the more you complain about something, the more you invite it into your life.

It really made sense to me. I have noticed that I have been complaining about all the things I can’t have, and I don’t fail to mention in every post the situation in Lebanon. I don’t go to the extent of some people who all they talk about is how expensive things are getting, but I have been complaining about not being able to go out and about, and guess what? I’m still not going out and about. In fact, Lebanon has been in lockdown for 2 days but it feels like forever.

Okay enough complaining.

Now in those blog posts I read, they mentioned that to get what you want, you must practice gratitude for what you have, and thus invite more of that in your life because what you focus on grows. They also said something about coming from a place of abundance instead of coming from a place of lack by acting as if you already have what you want.

Go to Be Inspired for more on that.

Anyway, the idea was that by coming from a place of abundance, you will manifest these things into your life.

Side note: I also listened to a bunch of coffee talk podcasts by kayln’s coffee talk and she talked about non attachment and how it gives you inner peace. She recommended the book “The courage to be disliked” which I have as a pdf but haven’t read yet. Back to the topic at hand, gratitude and manifesting.

I have been practicing gratitude for a while, but it doesn’t seem enough to stop me from complaining. I would say I’m grateful for food and shelter, but I’m mad that I can’t drive yet (I have a license but don’t have a car and my husband won’t let me use his because I haven’t had much practice yet).

I also realized that it was really difficult for me to visualize having what I want. I don’t know how to do a vision board. I could easily learn but it doesn’t interest me for now. I can’t even visualize myself on my death bed!

However, I had a Eureka moment while coloring on my phone (I use this app called Happy Color which my sister showed me a year ago but I hadn’t used in about 6 months) and I realized I’m coloring the things that I want in my life. I decided to manifest these things through the pictures I color. I already colored a few and I’ll share them here to help manifest them into my life.

Happiness. I suffer from bouts of anxiety and depression and I would like to have a positive mindset and pure joy regardless of circumstances. I manifest a positive mindset into my life.
Speakers. What does the image of the “Inside Out” movie have to do with speakers? The speakers on my laptop are ruined and I’ve been using earphones for 2 months. My son is 6 and so I won’t put earphones in his ears. I have the movie Inside Out on my laptop and my son wants us to watch it together. We can only watch it if the speakers get fixed, but in the current economic situation, it’s too expensive to fix them. My husband got me external speakers that work via bluetooth but turns out my 9 year old laptops bluetooth doesn’t work and my laptop needs formatting. He returned the speakers then decided not to get different speakers, nor format my laptop. I manifest a format or speakers into my life.
This image looks nice. A girl swinging contently on a swing tied to a tree with a cat nearby. Personally, I don’t like cats and swings make me dizzy, but I look at this picture and I see an idea for a novel. I’ve never written a novel before, but you never know, right? Also, when I think of a novel, I remember my other books, but instead of complaining from lack of sales, I manifest book sales and writing a novel into my life.
I love picnics. I haven’t gone on a picnic in 6 years. I manifest going to the same spot I went last time.

There’s also one more thing I’m trying to manifest, but it’s personal and it’s big so I’ll keep it to myself, but I manifest it into my life (said with not as much confidence as the other manifestations).

What are you going to manifest into your life?

End note: manifesting does not mean you don’t work hard towards getting what you want. Nothing is served on a silver platter. Manifesting is the attitude you adopt instead of complaining in order to invite things into your life via Law of Attraction (I read The secret a long time ago).

Poetry Friday: Emotional

Hello and welcome to my blog! I had a rough morning today and it was awful. I hadn’t slept well. I yelled a lot. I realize now that I overreacted because I was tired. But I guess the silver lining is I got a poem out of it. I hope things work out alright. My anxiety and inner critic are currently shaming me and telling me that my worst fear is going to come true, and I’m trying to ignore it fruitlessly. I’m just going to put headphones on, listen to a podcast, and try to be productive.

If that fails, I’ll watch a movie. I started one this morning about this 18 year old who did a mass shooting at his university and then killed himself because he was depressed that his parents were separated, so that wasn’t traumatizing at all 😲 so I wasn’t able to finish the movie. I only watched the 1st 20 minutes. If I watch a movie, I’m watching something else.

Anyway, enjoy this poetic description of my pain

My thoughts form words and they want to come out but they’re stuck inside my throat

So I ease them back in and I build around them a moat

Then my eyes well up and the tears are about to flow

But I ease them back in and I try not to let them show

Why do I keep feeling like a victim?

Like everything’s beyond my control

I go back and forth between fight and give in

But I feel like I have nowhere to go

Low energy

Don’t feel like doing anything

Blaming those around me

For all the things they’ve done

Some part of me

Knows gratitude is the way to be

And until I accept my destiny

I’ll never feel at home

I get emotional

So randomly

Quickly lose control

It’s not pretty

And I wish I could just forgive and forget

But the shame and the guilt make me live with regret

And I wish I could just live and let live

And let bygones be bygones

I don’t know if I’ll ever change

I work so hard to improve but it evaporates

In the heat of the moment

It’s like nothing’s important

But to get my point across and prove that I’m right

I’ve been running all my life so I stand and I fight

But it looks like I’m still losing because you’re walking away

And all my defenses instantly crumble away

I’m tired of fighting but I don’t know any other way

To get you to listen

To give me permission

To be independently me

I hope you enjoyed this poem, and don’t worry about me, writing makes me feel better. It helped. I’ll be fine. I’m taking it day by day. It’s been a hard year last year and this year seems to be worse in Lebanon so the waters are rising. I just hope we learn to swim and not drown in it.

Update: Everything is fine.

Throwback Thursday: April fools’ day

Hello and welcome to my blog! Happy April everyone, and to many, it’s April fool’s day where people play pranks on eachother. I’m not a big fan of pranks. I don’t like to prank anyone or to be pranked. Thankfully my immediate family don’t celebrate it and I have no social life, except online, so nobody to prank or get pranked by.

It’s also my 7th year anniversary of marriage. 7 years ago today, I announced on Facebook that I got married and everyone thought I was doing an April Fool’s prank, like I’d ever do that! Anyway, it’s throwback Thursday today so I pulled up the post I wrote last year on April fool’s and lying.

So tomorrow is April 1st, in less than 1 hour in Lebanon and as it goes, my 6th anniversary of marriage. That's not what this post is about. This post is about lying 🤥
1st of all, why is April 1st known as April Fools' day?
I googled it. Some historians speculate that April Fools’ Day dates back to 1582, when France switched from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar, as called for by the Council of Trent in 1563. In the Julian Calendar, as in the Hindu calendar, the new year began with the spring equinox around April 1.

People who were slow to get the news or failed to recognize that the start of the new year had moved to January 1 and continued to celebrate it during the last week of March through April 1 became the butt of jokes and hoaxes and were called “April fools.” These pranks included having paper fish placed on their backs and being referred to as “poisson d’avril” (April fish), said to symbolize a young, easily caught fish and a gullible person.

2nd of all, why is it okay to lie on this day? As if people are honest on the other days.
I'm not calling everybody out on lying. I'm talking about the quote my mother taught me "Honesty is the best policy" which i lived by for years, only to discover that in society, honesty is not very much appreciated and is sometimes even considered a courtesy to lie to someone. Wait, let me get off my high horse for a minute.

I lie. Ok? I know it's wrong, but as a teenager, who didn't do things behind their parent's backs? So everybody lies, according to House (House MD is a medical drama series i adore and i think the character Gregory House is very wise, however sardonic and rude). Wouldn't you lie to protect your father from harm or embarrassment? Wouldn't you lie to please your spouse? How many times do you lie to your kids when you're answering a very awkward question or trying to get them to do something? I don't usually lie in these situations but i know many people who do.

I know a lot of people who go around the topic, and omit pieces of the truth and spin a tale in a way that that they're not flat out lying. To me, that's still lying.

I'm not writing this to condemn lying or to say "there is no such thing as a white lie", as my mother used to tell me, I'm just discussing the topic of lying, acknoledging that everybody lies, and wondering why some people decided to create a lying day. I expect instagram to be filled with April Fool's lies, as if the people who photoshop every single picture on instagram aren't already lying, or those who facetune their face all the time so you no longer know what they really look like are being honest about their appearance.

Finally, how often do we lie to ourselves? When we feed ourselves lies that it's okay to do wrong things, like... I don't know, i don't have anything in mind... When we justify our actions to suit our desires, isn't that lying? Ok I'm done lecturing.

Do you play pranks on April fools' day?
How often do you lie?

Ah the memories. A year ago, I was quoting House MD. Everytime I watch a new show, I get obsessed with it until I watch the next show. A year ago it was House MD. Currently it’s Gilmore Girls, This is us, and Ginny and Georgia.

April showers bring May flowers, goes the saying. After weeks of cold wind, I’m hoping for some rain and less wind.

Lebanon is going on total lockdown for 4 days starting today because COVID-19 numbers are rising. The economic situation is getting worse by the minute. Maybe today they’ll tell us the government agreed amongst eachother and things are going to start getting better, then tomorrow they’ll tell us it’s an April Fool’s prank!

Storytime: Learning how to rest

Hello and welcome to my blog! Happy Hump day! I’m really tired and in pain. How are you doing?

I’ve been feeling tired even after drinking coffee twice a day for a few days but I still pushed myself to be productive. My left foot has been hurting me for 3 weeks and I’ve been enduring the pain, even when I could barely walk.

Last night, my toes cramped up and I almost screamed in pain. I tried to massage them and help them relax but the spasm spread to the rest of my foot and up my shin.

I’ve been living with chronic pain for years. I have scoliosis and my neck and shoulders are often spasmed, sometimes my back. I get lower back pain because I have flat feet and I struggle not to walk like a penguin. I ripped the cartilage on both knees 9 years ago and when it’s cold, my knees hurt, or when I overwork myself. I have anxiety and when it flares up, the entire right side of my body spasms and I get burning muscle pain. On and off I get burning pain in my thighs and I must lie down until the pain subsides. I get migraines almost daily, sometimes so bad that my face becomes numb. I have a bloating problem that comes and goes and sometimes even gives me pain similar to that of a heart attack. I have a small hernia in my lower abdomen that flares up occasionally and causes me pain. The big toe on my left foot is crooked and I need an operation but can’t have one because it would hinder my movement and I have a 6 year old I need to take care of. A few years ago, I did an operation in my left foot and it still hasn’t fully healed. Doctors say it’ll always be like this, swelling and causing pain every once in a while (this is why my foot has been hurting for weeks) and 5 months ago, I went to the beach and was barefoot and something sharp went up the sole of my foot and it still hurts occasionally.

But last night, this was new. My toes have never cramped up before. I was really scared. After a few minutes, they relaxed and the cramping was replaced by burning pain from my toes to my knee.

So this morning when I woke up to my alarm at 8am, I wished I had let myself sleep in. I can see the signs of burnout emerging again. The cramping last night was definitely a warning sign. Right now both legs are burning in pain and I have lower back pain.

I’ve been trying too hard to be productive, but I’ve also been sitting too much binge watching (I finished season 5 gilmore girls last night). I haven’t been exercising daily and I think it’s because of the pain in my foot. However, when I don’t exercise, the spasms increase.

On Saturday, I went up and down 6 flights of stairs and took long walks. I think I shouldn’t have. Stairs are bad for my knees, says the doctor. Also, the special footwear I must put on outside only fits in my black shoes, so when I wear my navy blue shoes, my foot suffers (the one I did the operation in). I’ve been wearing the navy blue shoes for 2 weeks because it goes with my outfits better. I guess I’ll be switching to black shoes next time I’m out.

We’re in the middle of a pandemic, so I’m not really going out, but I took a walk yesterday and went nowhere and I visit my family once a week and my in laws once a week because even with the pandemic, we’re still seeing eachother, from a distance. As far as I know, most of them are not seeing other people.

Back to the point at hand, or shall I say at foot, I need to rest, so that is my focus for today. If you need me, I’ll be catching up on blogs and watching YouTube videos, except when I’m tending to my son’s wants and knees.

Any tips on how to rest when you have a 6 year old child?

I was only able to write this post because my son isn’t up yet. He’s not a handful, but he requires a lot of attention, being a lone child. I can’t relate because I have 7 siblings.

Are you a lone child or do you have siblings?

Update: I just woke my son up and now I wish I hadn’t. Send help.