I can’t do this anymore…

This is all too much for me.

Yes, I know the world is falling apart and I’m absorbed in my own personal drama. It feels selfish to be so angry at things that maybe won’t matter in a few years, but maybe they will.

It’s hard for me to let things go, to not take things personally, and when I’m under stress, my mind thinks of all the ways I can flee.

I think about packing my bags and leaving everything and everyone behind. I think about starting over in a new country. And there are other much darker ways I think of to escape my reality, but I settle to reading a book or watching a movie.

This situation in Lebanon is difficult for everyone, but I refuse to be an emotional punching bag, even though I use people as emotional punching bags sometimes.

Is this karma coming back to bite me?

Have I been such a terrible person to deserve this?

They say you settle for the love you think you deserve, so how low must I think of myself…

Is everyone else struggling with their loved ones like I am? Or did they choose more wisely?

I know I will get through this.

I always do.

I just got to be a little dramatic first…

We all express our emotions differently

I’ve always been told I was too sensitive, too open. I express my emotions openly and I always understand how I feel, even when I don’t know why I feel that way.

For years I was made to be ashamed of my emotions, not by my parents, but by my classmates. At university, I learned to bottle up my emotions, but that didn’t work out, because I would just explode.

When I started writing, my poems and then my blogs years later, it helped a lot. It’s a way to express my emotions without people freaking out or making me feel like I’m a burden for venting or getting uncomfortable because I’m acting crazy.

For years I thought my emotions were a weakness, but I realized recently that it’s actually a superpower. Many people don’t know how to express their feelings, so they numb themselves or distract themselves. Some people don’t even know how they feel half the time. They would be in a bad mood and not even try to understand which emotion they are feeling in order to accept it and let it go. Some people get really uncomfortable when I’m in my extreme end of emotions and they don’t know how to act.

For example, when my son is acting out, I know when to give him space and when to give him a hug. Yesterday he woke up in a bad mood, and when I tried to speak to him normally, he only acted out more. When I suggested a hug, at 1st he resisted, then when I insisted that I was the one who needed the hug, he caved. Afterwards, I asked him “do you feel better now?” he agreef and I said “a hug makes you feel better”.

I think this is important to teach kids. To recognize their emotions and learn what soothes them from a young age. Many adults who haven’t been taught this grow up to be emotionally handicapped.

However, with every superpower, there is an Achilles heel. Mine is my inability to hold back on my emotions when it’s too much for the person in front of me, or when it’s the wrong time and wrong place to express myself.

With me, you get the whole range of emotions, and you get it all. When I love, it’s with every piece of my heart, and when I’m angry, boy you’d better watch out. See I was allowed to express myself freely as a child but I was never taught self regulation. I never learned how to calm myself down. I’m learning that now. It’s a long process and it will take a lot of time.

In the meantime, it helps to remember 3 things:

  1. My loved ones are not hurting me on purpose. We are just having communication issues or conflicts of interest.
  2. Not everyone loves like I do, so I must accept whatever gesture of love I recieve from my loved ones, even if, to me, it seems half hearted, but to them, they were reaching out.
  3. When I’m upset, and the person I’m mad at doesn’t come and apologize on their own, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It could mean they feel uncomfortable with extreme emotions and are waiting for me to calm myself down first.

Are you a highly emotional person? Or are you uncomfortable around emotional people?