Poetry Friday: If I’m okay

Hello and welcome to my blog! Things in Lebanon are chaotic at the moment, but I’m okay, or at least I will be because I have God and a loving family.

I’m in the process of editing my old blogs, perfecting my work if you may, and I’m bringing back the poems I posted before I began the Poetry Friday series (and deleting the original posts).

If I’m okay

I’m just

Trying not to think too far

Trying not to feel too hard

Busy counting all my stars

Thankful for everything

I try

To focus on what I can control

One mistake and the ball rolls

It snowballs out of control

Then I lose everything

Trying to improve my reality

Trying to show the best side of me

Trying to leave my comfort zone

And make personal growth my norm

My friends are asking how I’m doing

And I don’t know what to say

It varies based upon my mood and

Changes by the time of day

I wish I was brave

I wish I was strong

I wish I could smile

And my problems be gone

I wish I could do all the things that I want

I wish I could go to all the places I want

But I do what I can with what I have

And I’m grateful for everyone who helps me out

So please don’t ask me if I’m okay

My answer will change every day

Just tell me good morning, have a great day

And I’ll do the best that I can

Because life isn’t perfect but it’s not terrible

There’s magic in the chaos, it makes it bearable

And I’m praying for things to get better

I won’t give up on my dreams or surrender

I’ll keep on working to be a better me

Sometimes it’s exhausting to be human

I know I don’t do enough as a friend

But I’m trying my best and I don’t pretend

Poetry Friday: Happiness eludes me

I watch the sun rise

Feel the breeze on my face

The power’s out, I realize

But my joy isn’t phased

What is this vibe?

It’s like the stars aligned

Is this what it’s like?

To be content

Because happiness eludes me

It seems like a delusion

The moment I hold on to it

It drifts away

And I’m left shipwrecked

This heaviness in my chest

Is so familiar

I almost forget it’s pain

And I’m flooded with regrets

Shame and confusion

I don’t know why I do this

But this pain is comforting

Sometimes I chase happiness

Sometimes I search for meaning

It’s impossible to feel blessed

With my anxiety like demons

But it’s like

It’s become my identity

Like I’m broken

And I need someone to fix me


I know what to do but

It’s a lifelong journey

And it’s a bit too much

I know that I should love myself

I know I should be kind

But I don’t eat or sleep well

And I occasionally exercise

It’s like I have a death wish

I feel so lost and helpless

I think I’m co-dependant

But I don’t want to be

My hands are shaking

From too much caffeine

And intermittent sleeping

My social skills are weak

I wish I could be put together

Like other people that I know

But maybe they’re all just a mess

And they’re putting on a show

Focusing on myself

And my surroundings

It helps me to relax

And keeps me grounded

The magnets and stickers on my fridge

Remind me of the miracle that is

My sunshine, my sweety pie

The Apple of my eye

I have shelter, food and clothes

I’ll never take for granted

I have running water, who knows?

How long it will last and

I have so much, yet I complain

Does that mean I am vain?

It just means I’m human

And I’m trying

Throwback Thursday: It’s one of those days

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome back to Throwback Thursday (I’m easing back into the preramadan schedule) where I reblog a post from a year ago and state my thoughts about it. A lot has changed in a year, yet some things are still the same.

I wrote this exactly a year ago:

The nights are weighing down heavily on me.
They’re wearing me down with melancholy.
During the day I’m fine because I get busy.
But as soon as the night falls, the negative thoughts hit me.

I go over every mistake I made and every body language that indicated that someone was annoyed or uncomfortable because of something I did or said.
I remember every foot in mouth moment (the moments I said something and it came out wrong) and I wish I could take them all back.
Part of me wants to stop being socially awkward so that I can actually enjoy my time with humans.
The other part of me just wants to curl on the sofa with a book all day and not deal with people.
I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with people.
And maybe people feel the same way about me.
I’m still overthinking every word and I wish I wasn’t like this.
I wish I could let it go, laugh it off, and move on.
But no! I must go through every possible scenario.
I kind of feel like Doctor Strange in the Avengers movie (the one where Tony Stark dies, sorry for the spoiler) as I go through the infinite number of possibilities and try to choose one, except that the time has already passed and I can’t fix anything and I don’t have infinity stones and I can’t time travel.
I hope this weight lifts off of me soon.
Until then, I will keep being productive, keep reading, keep writing, keep praying…

A year ago today, I wasn’t feeling very inspired and motivated. I wasn’t sleeping well. My heart felt heavy. I honestly don’t remember that day (which is good perspective that when you feel horrible and feel like it will always be this way, it won’t. The sun will shine again). However, I was feeling a bit heavy hearted yesterday but I’m much better today.

I had ice-cream with my 6 year old on the balcony and I was so in the moment!

This isn’t to say I’m happy all the time. In the same day, I yell a lot and feel agitated and overwhelmed. I get hit by waves of depression that send me back to bed, not wanting to face the day. But then a hug, a smile, a moment brings me back to realize that I am so lucky to have what I have and that I’d better live in the moment and appreciate it before it’s gone. I don’t know for how long my son will want my company, so I’m going to watch him play with his animals delightfully.

I don’t know what will happen a year from now. I don’t know if I’ll be on my balcony enjoying what’s left of the spring breeze before it turns into summer, my son’s biggest worry being that the tail fell off his toy wolf. I want to remember today, not the parts when I yelled a lot, but I want to remember that I was watching season 7 of Gilmore Girls and I was happy being with my son, and thinking of how far I’ve come with my books, my blog, and my podcast.

The heavy feeling will come back, today or tomorrow or in a week, but then it’ll go again because everything is ephemeral.

So if you’re happy right now, live in the moment, and if you’re feeling a bit heavy, know that it will pass. You won’t even remember it in a year.

Storytime: Empathy and Compassion

Hello and welcome to my blog! I was thinking and I had to write this down before I forgot.

I was doing a 1 hour no phone challenge and it was going fine, until I came up with a poem. Since I didn’t immediately write it down, I forgot most of it. Here’s what I remember:

Part of me hates the spotlight

But part of me wants to be on talk shows

Part of me feels so strong

But part of me keeps breaking down

All these thoughts running in my head

Most of them are negative

Worst case scenarios

Could be a movie plot twist

Then speaking of a movie, my mind shifted and I suddenly remembered a friend of mine who I haven’t spoken to in 7 years, and I came up with another poem:

The back of my mind runs like a movie

Before the movie ends and the credits roll

I just wanted you to know

I remember that day that you cried

I asked if you were okay and you lied

I always wonder if you ever made your dream come true

Whether you are happy or just pushing through

Then I sat waiting for the prayer time so I could pray. Meanwhile I reflected on something that happened yesterday.

My son and I watched the movie Inside Out. I watched it years ago alone but he had been wanting to watch it ever since he saw I watched a psychotherapist analysis of the movie on YouTube.

We barely made it through half the movie (during which I realized things I hadn’t noticed the 1st time I watched it) because he kept getting overwhelmed everytime Riley felt sad or scared. Disgust and Anger didn’t scare him, but Sadness made him cry and Fear made him leave the room. I realized 2 things. 1st, my son is very empathetic. I already knew that but it’s confirmed everytime we watch a cartoon movie together (we didn’t used to watch movies together until he turned 5 when he watched the Lion king movies and a week ago we watched both The Incredibles movies). 2nd, he avoids feeling these things because they scare him. He kept asking me if everything was going to turn out okay in the end. He needed the reassurance but couldn’t handle the build up of emotions in the movie.

How many adults do you know that are scared of emotions? I know a few! People who shut down when they are sad or scared because a little emotion is too much for them. Different people are triggered by different emotions. I’m triggered by anger. If someone acts just a tad sassy with me I snap. Someone yells at me and I feel like the raging hulk. Other people are triggered by sadness. My husband, for example, gets angry when someone cries. To me, when someone cries, my immediate reaction is to comfort them. However, crying makes other people uncomfortable.

So remember the next time you’re feeling sad or scared or angry, think of the person in front of you. You may have emotions you need to let out and you may need someone to comfort you. Don’t expect someone who is angered by crying to comfort you when you cry. Seek people with their hearts on their sleeve, like me (seriously, though, I’m here for you if you have emotions you need to let out. Just leave them in the comments below). I psychoanalyze a lot, but I still can’t figure out why some people are angered by someone crying in front of them. Maybe it goes back to childhood.

I was always expressive of my emotions growing up. I could bawl my eyes out and my parents would just let me. They wouldn’t comfort me. Nor would they yell at me. Anger, however, was an emotion that was frowned upon in my house growing up. Maybe that’s why someone else’s anger triggers me. Maybe people who are triggered by crying weren’t allowed to cry growing up.

I tell my son it’s okay to cry, but my husband tells him he needs to be a man and not cry in front of people. My son is now very self conscious about himself if he has some tears in public. He makes sure to wipe his tears after a tantrum so nobody knows he was crying. He is 6 years old! When he cries in front of me, I comfort him and let him know that it’s okay to cry and that I’m here for him.

So all these thoughts occured in literally 8 minutes (I know because I was waiting for the no phone challenge to end so I could write this).

In conclusion,

It’s okay to cry. Don’t get scared if someone cries in front of you. If you’re triggered by a certain emotion, dig deep and find out why. It helps. If someone cries or snaps at you, respond with compassion. The same applies to yourself. Don’t think of yourself as weak for crying or out of control for getting angry. All emotions are valid. Have compassion for yourself. Hug yourself. Love yourself. You’re going to be okay.

Bedtime Thoughts

It’s almost midnight

I should be asleep

I’m exhausted

Today was a great day

I had a lot of fun with my family

Then I went to my in laws

I’m still wearing a mask

I’m still avoiding going places I don’t have to go to

My heart is heavy though


Because no matter how honest and transparent I am

There are things I can’t tell anyone

Secrets I can’t acknoledge between me, myself and I

I got so much used to the separation between my real identity and the identity I show the world that I started believing I was the latter…

Who am I really?

I push away and hide and alter pieces of my identity so that it all fits perfectly, but in reality it doesn’t.

In reality, my identity is messy.

I’m scarred and traumatized, and not to play victim, but I’ve been through things I don’t think I can tell my therapist, if I had a therapist.

But now I know why I’m so comfortable with my family. They know the real me. They know the truth. They’ve been through it too. They don’t talk about it much. Certain topics are avoided or spoken of indirectly and others are spoken of in normality, as if we had a normal childhood.

Who am I really? Can I assume the identity of the mother now? I don’t wish to be the scared timid child or the rebellious teenager or the socially awkward adult.

For now, I’ll assume the identity of a Muslim mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and writer.

Let’s keep the other Russian dolls inside for now, shall we?

Poetry Friday: Emotional

Hello and welcome to my blog! I had a rough morning today and it was awful. I hadn’t slept well. I yelled a lot. I realize now that I overreacted because I was tired. But I guess the silver lining is I got a poem out of it. I hope things work out alright. My anxiety and inner critic are currently shaming me and telling me that my worst fear is going to come true, and I’m trying to ignore it fruitlessly. I’m just going to put headphones on, listen to a podcast, and try to be productive.

If that fails, I’ll watch a movie. I started one this morning about this 18 year old who did a mass shooting at his university and then killed himself because he was depressed that his parents were separated, so that wasn’t traumatizing at all 😲 so I wasn’t able to finish the movie. I only watched the 1st 20 minutes. If I watch a movie, I’m watching something else.

Anyway, enjoy this poetic description of my pain

My thoughts form words and they want to come out but they’re stuck inside my throat

So I ease them back in and I build around them a moat

Then my eyes well up and the tears are about to flow

But I ease them back in and I try not to let them show

Why do I keep feeling like a victim?

Like everything’s beyond my control

I go back and forth between fight and give in

But I feel like I have nowhere to go

Low energy

Don’t feel like doing anything

Blaming those around me

For all the things they’ve done

Some part of me

Knows gratitude is the way to be

And until I accept my destiny

I’ll never feel at home

I get emotional

So randomly

Quickly lose control

It’s not pretty

And I wish I could just forgive and forget

But the shame and the guilt make me live with regret

And I wish I could just live and let live

And let bygones be bygones

I don’t know if I’ll ever change

I work so hard to improve but it evaporates

In the heat of the moment

It’s like nothing’s important

But to get my point across and prove that I’m right

I’ve been running all my life so I stand and I fight

But it looks like I’m still losing because you’re walking away

And all my defenses instantly crumble away

I’m tired of fighting but I don’t know any other way

To get you to listen

To give me permission

To be independently me

I hope you enjoyed this poem, and don’t worry about me, writing makes me feel better. It helped. I’ll be fine. I’m taking it day by day. It’s been a hard year last year and this year seems to be worse in Lebanon so the waters are rising. I just hope we learn to swim and not drown in it.

Update: Everything is fine.

Poetry Friday: Peace of mind

I’m always wondering about tomorrow

Or I’m hung up on yesterday

Give me peace of mind to borrow

So I can enjoy my today

I’ve always been a bit erratic*

But quarantine has got me bad

I have some days where I’m ecstatic**

And other days where I’m just sad

I get these thoughts, I’m sure they’re crazy

But they make me feel so down

It’s like people are out to haze me

Or they’re trying to drive me mad

Does it say I am a doormat?

On my forehead all in caps***

Did someone tape when I wasn’t looking

A kick me sign on my back?

They say you attract

What you think about

And my mind has been full

Of negative thoughts on redbull

So if this is a test

I will try to manifest

Inner peace and harmony

These thoughts won’t get the best of me

I will quit the attitude

Send a message of gratitude

Out in the open

It’ll come back in magnitude

I will live in the moment

And focus on my goals

My fears and insecurities

Will hold me back no more

Today I’ll find

A peace of mind

Despite the chaos around me

My peace will be restored

*erratic means unsteady, random; prone to unexpected changes; not consistent

**ecstatic means extremely happy

***caps means caps lock, as in UPPERCASE LETTERS for emphasis

Poetry Friday: If…

If I were in a different place

If I were with somebody else

If I had a different face

Would my heart be content?

If I was brave

Would I still cry?

If I was strong

Would I still break?

If I had all the things that I want

Would I be doing all the things that I love?

If I could travel anywhere

Would I ever go back home?

If I could go just anywhere

If I could bring just anyone

If I could edit my personality

What would I change?

So many ifs

For so many lives

That I’ll never live

Like would I still be a mom and wife?

I only have one life

And there’s only one me

So I won’t waste it with ifs

And let my thoughts run free

Storytime: When will this pandemic end?

Hello and welcome to my blog!

So I tried this themed thing and I think it has pulled the plug on my creativity and originality and spontaneity.

My impulsive nature is a bad thing when it comes to problem solving and conflict resolution, but it comes in handy when I’m writing.

I wanted to get this post out there before midnight so I’d have posted it on Wednesday, so I’m just going to type until almost midnight and click publish and I’ll edit and add the tags and categories afterwards.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted, but I just had to get in 1 more episode. I watched 5 episodes of gilmore girls today. I do that when my brain can’t stop spinning. It’s my escapism.

I was supposed to be reading blogs but my head was about to explode. Lebanon is a mess right now and my husband is a worrier on good day. The more he worries, the more he goes into his cave, the move I try to reach out, the more he pulls away.

When will this pandemic end?

I’m trying to make myself happy with my books (I’m trying to read but it’s so hard with a 6 year old at home) and my tv shows and meditation and exercise but I need out. I need to go and see the waves. I need to see the snow. I need to smell the flowers.

This pandemic sucks. I’m really trying to be positive but seeing my husband devastated over the economic situation and not having anyone to talk about it to is awful. I vaguely remember having friends. Where have they gone? Complaining or venting doesn’t help anymore so I withdraw.

I had a friend I would call every Friday and talk for 2 hours. She’s too busy to even text me. My sister used to call everyday, but now she’s too busy. I had a best friend but now she’s busy with her new job and her new friends. Everyone else I know is either too sad to talk or too busy.

Am I doing this wrong? Am I supposed to keep myself so busy I don’t have time to talk to anyone? Am I not supposed to have the urge to call or text anyone? Am I not supposed to crave human connection?

When will this pandemic end?

I’ve been spending a lot more time with my son. For a long time, I struggled to spend 10 minutes of uninterrupted time with him. Now I spend up to 3 hours of quality time with him, playing ludo, uno, scrabble, pretend play, arts and crafts, and storytime. But then I feel the need to pull away and I start yelling at him when he wants more quality time because I need alone time or adult time and I’m not getting adult time.

My husband is withdrawn on himself (not all the time if I’m being fair, he has moments of normalcy where he is my dear loving husband or when he plays with our son but they’re rare and far in between) and I see my family once a week and I haven’t seen friends in a year, except for 1 friend whose phone is ruined and can’t converse with me on a regular basis.

It’s midnight. This was a good vent. I’m open to suggestions and validation and whatever thoughts you had while reading this.

Good night

Self-care checklist

Hello and welcome to my blog! This is my last self-care post because I’ve been really burnt out lately and as much as writing helps me, 7 blogs a week of specific themes overwhelmed me a bit and my brain was so tired that I found myself watching 3 episodes a day as opposed to my usual 1. I realized I had to drop 1 or 2 posts, so I looked at the stats in the past 3 weeks (I’ve been following this schedule for 3 weeks) and I realized that the least viewed days were Wednesday and Saturday. I don’t know if it’s because on these days you’re busy or because it’s your least favorite type of blog. My Wednesday Wisdom and self-care Saturday blogs are my researched blogs, and they actually take me the most time to write but need the least creativity because I basically research them. Anyway, they’re out now and I’ll be talking from the heart 💯 from now on, including in this blog post (not researched).

Hopefully this lightening of my mental load will spark my creativity further and I’ll be able to inspire and motivate you like I want to. Honestly, sometimes I think of closing the blog altogether. My son thinks my blog is not important but he’s 6 years old so what does he know. This blog is important to me. It makes me happy. You make me happy. I feel so lonely between 4 walls and hardly communicating with anyone face to face besides my husband and son. This pandemic is isolating…

Every once in a while, I fear I’m oversharing. A few days ago, I saw a post that scared me.

I wish I was a private person sometimes. Maybe I am, in some ways. I don’t share everything. Anyway, today I’m doing a self-care check. I actually printed this out so I could fill it out. I should have made many copies so I could fill it out daily. Maybe I’ll even make my own self-care checklist one day.

Today I ate lunch, drank water, slept well last night, went outside and walked (I didn’t exercise today though).

I also practiced gratitude (the 21 days challenge) and meditation (I tried. It’s not really working for me honestly).

I connected with my family and avoided going on Facebook today (the challenge of the day in the social media detox challenge) and I didn’t watch anything on my laptop because I finished season 4 of This is us and Gilmore girls. I also checked in with my self. My mood went up and down today but on the whole it’s been a good day. Not a great day but it was alright. I yelled a bit but there were good moments as well.

I hope you enjoyed this post. Please like, comment and share.