Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome back to Throwback Thursday (I’m easing back into the preramadan schedule) where I reblog a post from a year ago and state my thoughts about it. A lot has changed in a year, yet some things are still the same.
I wrote this exactly a year ago:
The nights are weighing down heavily on me. They’re wearing me down with melancholy. During the day I’m fine because I get busy. But as soon as the night falls, the negative thoughts hit me.
I go over every mistake I made and every body language that indicated that someone was annoyed or uncomfortable because of something I did or said. I remember every foot in mouth moment (the moments I said something and it came out wrong) and I wish I could take them all back. Part of me wants to stop being socially awkward so that I can actually enjoy my time with humans. The other part of me just wants to curl on the sofa with a book all day and not deal with people. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with people. And maybe people feel the same way about me. I’m still overthinking every word and I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could let it go, laugh it off, and move on. But no! I must go through every possible scenario. I kind of feel like Doctor Strange in the Avengers movie (the one where Tony Stark dies, sorry for the spoiler) as I go through the infinite number of possibilities and try to choose one, except that the time has already passed and I can’t fix anything and I don’t have infinity stones and I can’t time travel. I hope this weight lifts off of me soon. Until then, I will keep being productive, keep reading, keep writing, keep praying…
A year ago today, I wasn’t feeling very inspired and motivated. I wasn’t sleeping well. My heart felt heavy. I honestly don’t remember that day (which is good perspective that when you feel horrible and feel like it will always be this way, it won’t. The sun will shine again). However, I was feeling a bit heavy hearted yesterday but I’m much better today.
This isn’t to say I’m happy all the time. In the same day, I yell a lot and feel agitated and overwhelmed. I get hit by waves of depression that send me back to bed, not wanting to face the day. But then a hug, a smile, a moment brings me back to realize that I am so lucky to have what I have and that I’d better live in the moment and appreciate it before it’s gone. I don’t know for how long my son will want my company, so I’m going to watch him play with his animals delightfully.
I don’t know what will happen a year from now. I don’t know if I’ll be on my balcony enjoying what’s left of the spring breeze before it turns into summer, my son’s biggest worry being that the tail fell off his toy wolf. I want to remember today, not the parts when I yelled a lot, but I want to remember that I was watching season 7 of Gilmore Girls and I was happy being with my son, and thinking of how far I’ve come with my books, my blog, and my podcast.
The heavy feeling will come back, today or tomorrow or in a week, but then it’ll go again because everything is ephemeral.
So if you’re happy right now, live in the moment, and if you’re feeling a bit heavy, know that it will pass. You won’t even remember it in a year.
Hello and welcome to my blog! I was thinking and I had to write this down before I forgot.
I was doing a 1 hour no phone challenge and it was going fine, until I came up with a poem. Since I didn’t immediately write it down, I forgot most of it. Here’s what I remember:
Part of me hates the spotlight
But part of me wants to be on talk shows
Part of me feels so strong
But part of me keeps breaking down
All these thoughts running in my head
Most of them are negative
Worst case scenarios
Could be a movie plot twist
Then speaking of a movie, my mind shifted and I suddenly remembered a friend of mine who I haven’t spoken to in 7 years, and I came up with another poem:
The back of my mind runs like a movie
Before the movie ends and the credits roll
I just wanted you to know
I remember that day that you cried
I asked if you were okay and you lied
I always wonder if you ever made your dream come true
Whether you are happy or just pushing through
Then I sat waiting for the prayer time so I could pray. Meanwhile I reflected on something that happened yesterday.
My son and I watched the movie Inside Out. I watched it years ago alone but he had been wanting to watch it ever since he saw I watched a psychotherapist analysis of the movie on YouTube.
We barely made it through half the movie (during which I realized things I hadn’t noticed the 1st time I watched it) because he kept getting overwhelmed everytime Riley felt sad or scared. Disgust and Anger didn’t scare him, but Sadness made him cry and Fear made him leave the room. I realized 2 things. 1st, my son is very empathetic. I already knew that but it’s confirmed everytime we watch a cartoon movie together (we didn’t used to watch movies together until he turned 5 when he watched the Lion king movies and a week ago we watched both The Incredibles movies). 2nd, he avoids feeling these things because they scare him. He kept asking me if everything was going to turn out okay in the end. He needed the reassurance but couldn’t handle the build up of emotions in the movie.
How many adults do you know that are scared of emotions? I know a few! People who shut down when they are sad or scared because a little emotion is too much for them. Different people are triggered by different emotions. I’m triggered by anger. If someone acts just a tad sassy with me I snap. Someone yells at me and I feel like the raging hulk. Other people are triggered by sadness. My husband, for example, gets angry when someone cries. To me, when someone cries, my immediate reaction is to comfort them. However, crying makes other people uncomfortable.
So remember the next time you’re feeling sad or scared or angry, think of the person in front of you. You may have emotions you need to let out and you may need someone to comfort you. Don’t expect someone who is angered by crying to comfort you when you cry. Seek people with their hearts on their sleeve, like me (seriously, though, I’m here for you if you have emotions you need to let out. Just leave them in the comments below). I psychoanalyze a lot, but I still can’t figure out why some people are angered by someone crying in front of them. Maybe it goes back to childhood.
I was always expressive of my emotions growing up. I could bawl my eyes out and my parents would just let me. They wouldn’t comfort me. Nor would they yell at me. Anger, however, was an emotion that was frowned upon in my house growing up. Maybe that’s why someone else’s anger triggers me. Maybe people who are triggered by crying weren’t allowed to cry growing up.
I tell my son it’s okay to cry, but my husband tells him he needs to be a man and not cry in front of people. My son is now very self conscious about himself if he has some tears in public. He makes sure to wipe his tears after a tantrum so nobody knows he was crying. He is 6 years old! When he cries in front of me, I comfort him and let him know that it’s okay to cry and that I’m here for him.
So all these thoughts occured in literally 8 minutes (I know because I was waiting for the no phone challenge to end so I could write this).
It’s okay to cry. Don’t get scared if someone cries in front of you. If you’re triggered by a certain emotion, dig deep and find out why. It helps. If someone cries or snaps at you, respond with compassion. The same applies to yourself. Don’t think of yourself as weak for crying or out of control for getting angry. All emotions are valid. Have compassion for yourself. Hug yourself. Love yourself. You’re going to be okay.
I’m still avoiding going places I don’t have to go to
My heart is heavy though
Because no matter how honest and transparent I am
There are things I can’t tell anyone
Secrets I can’t acknoledge between me, myself and I
I got so much used to the separation between my real identity and the identity I show the world that I started believing I was the latter…
Who am I really?
I push away and hide and alter pieces of my identity so that it all fits perfectly, but in reality it doesn’t.
In reality, my identity is messy.
I’m scarred and traumatized, and not to play victim, but I’ve been through things I don’t think I can tell my therapist, if I had a therapist.
But now I know why I’m so comfortable with my family. They know the real me. They know the truth. They’ve been through it too. They don’t talk about it much. Certain topics are avoided or spoken of indirectly and others are spoken of in normality, as if we had a normal childhood.
Who am I really? Can I assume the identity of the mother now? I don’t wish to be the scared timid child or the rebellious teenager or the socially awkward adult.
For now, I’ll assume the identity of a Muslim mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and writer.
Let’s keep the other Russian dolls inside for now, shall we?
Hello and welcome to my blog! I had a rough morning today and it was awful. I hadn’t slept well. I yelled a lot. I realize now that I overreacted because I was tired. But I guess the silver lining is I got a poem out of it. I hope things work out alright. My anxiety and inner critic are currently shaming me and telling me that my worst fear is going to come true, and I’m trying to ignore it fruitlessly. I’m just going to put headphones on, listen to a podcast, and try to be productive.
If that fails, I’ll watch a movie. I started one this morning about this 18 year old who did a mass shooting at his university and then killed himself because he was depressed that his parents were separated, so that wasn’t traumatizing at all 😲 so I wasn’t able to finish the movie. I only watched the 1st 20 minutes. If I watch a movie, I’m watching something else.
Anyway, enjoy this poetic description of my pain
My thoughts form words and they want to come out but they’re stuck inside my throat
So I ease them back in and I build around them a moat
Then my eyes well up and the tears are about to flow
But I ease them back in and I try not to let them show
Why do I keep feeling like a victim?
Like everything’s beyond my control
I go back and forth between fight and give in
But I feel like I have nowhere to go
Don’t feel like doing anything
Blaming those around me
For all the things they’ve done
Some part of me
Knows gratitude is the way to be
And until I accept my destiny
I’ll never feel at home
I get emotional
Quickly lose control
It’s not pretty
And I wish I could just forgive and forget
But the shame and the guilt make me live with regret
And I wish I could just live and let live
And let bygones be bygones
I don’t know if I’ll ever change
I work so hard to improve but it evaporates
In the heat of the moment
It’s like nothing’s important
But to get my point across and prove that I’m right
I’ve been running all my life so I stand and I fight
But it looks like I’m still losing because you’re walking away
And all my defenses instantly crumble away
I’m tired of fighting but I don’t know any other way
To get you to listen
To give me permission
To be independently me
I hope you enjoyed this poem, and don’t worry about me, writing makes me feel better. It helped. I’ll be fine. I’m taking it day by day. It’s been a hard year last year and this year seems to be worse in Lebanon so the waters are rising. I just hope we learn to swim and not drown in it.
So I tried this themed thing and I think it has pulled the plug on my creativity and originality and spontaneity.
My impulsive nature is a bad thing when it comes to problem solving and conflict resolution, but it comes in handy when I’m writing.
I wanted to get this post out there before midnight so I’d have posted it on Wednesday, so I’m just going to type until almost midnight and click publish and I’ll edit and add the tags and categories afterwards.
I’m tired. I’m exhausted, but I just had to get in 1 more episode. I watched 5 episodes of gilmore girls today. I do that when my brain can’t stop spinning. It’s my escapism.
I was supposed to be reading blogs but my head was about to explode. Lebanon is a mess right now and my husband is a worrier on good day. The more he worries, the more he goes into his cave, the move I try to reach out, the more he pulls away.
When will this pandemic end?
I’m trying to make myself happy with my books (I’m trying to read but it’s so hard with a 6 year old at home) and my tv shows and meditation and exercise but I need out. I need to go and see the waves. I need to see the snow. I need to smell the flowers.
This pandemic sucks. I’m really trying to be positive but seeing my husband devastated over the economic situation and not having anyone to talk about it to is awful. I vaguely remember having friends. Where have they gone? Complaining or venting doesn’t help anymore so I withdraw.
I had a friend I would call every Friday and talk for 2 hours. She’s too busy to even text me. My sister used to call everyday, but now she’s too busy. I had a best friend but now she’s busy with her new job and her new friends. Everyone else I know is either too sad to talk or too busy.
Am I doing this wrong? Am I supposed to keep myself so busy I don’t have time to talk to anyone? Am I not supposed to have the urge to call or text anyone? Am I not supposed to crave human connection?
When will this pandemic end?
I’ve been spending a lot more time with my son. For a long time, I struggled to spend 10 minutes of uninterrupted time with him. Now I spend up to 3 hours of quality time with him, playing ludo, uno, scrabble, pretend play, arts and crafts, and storytime. But then I feel the need to pull away and I start yelling at him when he wants more quality time because I need alone time or adult time and I’m not getting adult time.
My husband is withdrawn on himself (not all the time if I’m being fair, he has moments of normalcy where he is my dear loving husband or when he plays with our son but they’re rare and far in between) and I see my family once a week and I haven’t seen friends in a year, except for 1 friend whose phone is ruined and can’t converse with me on a regular basis.
It’s midnight. This was a good vent. I’m open to suggestions and validation and whatever thoughts you had while reading this.
Hello and welcome to my blog! This is my last self-care post because I’ve been really burnt out lately and as much as writing helps me, 7 blogs a week of specific themes overwhelmed me a bit and my brain was so tired that I found myself watching 3 episodes a day as opposed to my usual 1. I realized I had to drop 1 or 2 posts, so I looked at the stats in the past 3 weeks (I’ve been following this schedule for 3 weeks) and I realized that the least viewed days were Wednesday and Saturday. I don’t know if it’s because on these days you’re busy or because it’s your least favorite type of blog. My Wednesday Wisdom and self-care Saturday blogs are my researched blogs, and they actually take me the most time to write but need the least creativity because I basically research them. Anyway, they’re out now and I’ll be talking from the heart 💯 from now on, including in this blog post (not researched).
Hopefully this lightening of my mental load will spark my creativity further and I’ll be able to inspire and motivate you like I want to. Honestly, sometimes I think of closing the blog altogether. My son thinks my blog is not important but he’s 6 years old so what does he know. This blog is important to me. It makes me happy. You make me happy. I feel so lonely between 4 walls and hardly communicating with anyone face to face besides my husband and son. This pandemic is isolating…
Every once in a while, I fear I’m oversharing. A few days ago, I saw a post that scared me.
I wish I was a private person sometimes. Maybe I am, in some ways. I don’t share everything. Anyway, today I’m doing a self-care check. I actually printed this out so I could fill it out. I should have made many copies so I could fill it out daily. Maybe I’ll even make my own self-care checklist one day.
Today I ate lunch, drank water, slept well last night, went outside and walked (I didn’t exercise today though).
I also practiced gratitude (the 21 days challenge) and meditation (I tried. It’s not really working for me honestly).
I connected with my family and avoided going on Facebook today (the challenge of the day in the social media detox challenge) and I didn’t watch anything on my laptop because I finished season 4 of This is us and Gilmore girls. I also checked in with my self. My mood went up and down today but on the whole it’s been a good day. Not a great day but it was alright. I yelled a bit but there were good moments as well.
I hope you enjoyed this post. Please like, comment and share.