Throwback Thursday: Just a bunch of souls

Hello and welcome to my blog! This throwback Thursday, I found a poem I wrote a year ago.

We’re just a bunch of fragile souls
Looking for the next high
Navigating through the lows
Until everything’s alright

We fix a smile to the camera
Hope the pain doesn’t show
Hide behind passive aggression
And pray that no one knows

That we’re hurting inside
That we’re failing to find
A little peace of mind
And a good sleep at night

We try to act all tough and mighty
Like we got our act together
Until we break down crying
At the next endeavor

We take up hobbies to cope
With the fact that we’re alive
Some people like to mope
And complain about their lives

But then we have these moments
Of complete clarity
A laugh born in the moment
A smile of sincerity

We think back upon the past
Sometimes with melancholy
Sometimes with regret
Sometimes with happiness

Like I remember when I met you
You made my world complete
Then I remember how I hurt you
Thank you for forgiving me

Because we’re all a bunch of souls
Looking for forgiveness
Someone to love us as a whole
Someone to actually “get us”

We try to seem sophisticated
Like we’re different from everyone
But it’s not so complicated
Think of it as one plus one

We all want to be accepted
We all want to be understood
We all want to be appreciated
Through our highs and lows

We’re each unique in our own way
Each one of us has power to feed on
We can each shine in our own way
We just have to turn the lights on

We’re just a bunch of lost souls
Looking for each other
Looking for a glimpse of our soul
To love in one another

So close your eyes
And see with your soul
Wipe off all the lies
You’re already whole

This poem still rings true. It’s so powerful and deep. I haven’t been sleeping well and I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m freaking out on the inside about tomorrow. I’m excited but I’m also really anxious. I didn’t prepare questions to ask because I would probably forget the questions anyway. I’m waiting for my son to sleep so I can prepare the practical things I need for the outing.

If you’re new here, let me fill you in. Tomorrow I’m going on a picnic with 44 other people. We all volunteer at the same place but I’ve only ever interacted briefly with 2 or 3 of them. I’m sure they’re all nice people but my social anxiety is kicking in and I’m trying to play cool but I’ve been emotionally eating and sleeping past midnight all week!

Psychologically, I’m not prepared. There’s a lot of pressure on me about tomorrow. I feel like I’m in high school all over again. I can’t be myself with them since I can’t speak English or talk about my blogs and books. I’ll just see what everyone else is doing and go along and I’ll try not to smile too awkwardly. I’ll also participate in the organized activities they have planned. It should be fun. I’m not used to having fun anymore. Oh boy, I’m freaking out. Last night I couldn’t breathe when I was trying to sleep and I started hyperventilating. Deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay.

This poem was a great reminder for me today that we’re all just a bunch of souls so I should stop thinking about these people as different than me and think of them as similar. They’re all religious and they all love nature. I’ll find more things in common…

Any suggestions?

Storytime: Am I antisocial or just socially awkward?

Hello and welcome to my blog! I have a lot to say today. I don’t do this often anymore (storytime). I used to. Whenever I had thoughts I’d just drop them down on the blog and that’s how I processed them but now I’m trying something new by processing them on my own (AKA sleeping on it) and then maybe if I still feel like it, I put them on the blog because I know that once it’s on the blog, the internet is forever.

So here’s the thing. Yesterday, I visited my parents and right before I went, I received a message. I don’t know if I mentioned it here but I have been volunteer teaching quraan somewhere for 4 years. Basically, I do my job, I teach, and then I leave. I don’t interact with the other teachers. I don’t socialise with anyone. It’s not that I hate them nor that I don’t have any interest in getting to know them. It’s just I feel they’re very different than I am and I’m afraid of making social mistakes that will make it impossible for me to volunteer over there anymore and this belief has been brought to me from experience of people wanting to get to know me because I’m so mysterious and my life is so interesting and then once they get to know me, they get bored of me and then they leave me and this happens over and over again and I used to think that it was only in my head but then yesterday my husband said this about me.

The woman in charge of the place where I teach quraan send me a message. She said that for years once a year the teachers go out together and socialize outside of work and they have been doing this for years and she has never invited me before. This is the first time I hear of this. I had no idea that they went once a year even though I’ve been volunteer teaching there for 4 years. When she invited me, I got so excited and then I asked for some more information like can I bring my 6-year old with me and who can drive me there.

I was thinking had she invited me in the years before, I may not have been able to go when my son was younger because he would have given me a hard time and he’s 6 now and I’m still afraid that he might give me a hard time but he’s old enough for me to tell him to be on his best behaviour. I don’t know if I’m going to have to use the bribing technique but I can’t use the punishing and threatening technique in front of them.

I feel like the last time I volunteered, I was a bit more social. Just something as simple as saying hi, how are you doing, where do you live, I love these designs, I love what you did to the place,… these kind of things and I felt like they made a big difference and my compliments are really genuine. I was really trying to connect with them.

Anyway, I was really excited about the outing and I asked if I could bring my son and she said no problem and then she continued to explain to me that I’d be the only one with a kid (there’d be only one other person who has kids because the rest of the people going all 60-year olds so they’re all Grandmas) but she said that they will relax and play racket ball and just chill.

The place that they’re going to is a picnic area 20 minutes away from my house by car and I have been dying to go there for 2 years and my husband doesn’t take me anywhere (he’s a homebody) and he only takes me to the seaside (5 minutes away from my house by car) every six months. He used to take me to Turkey once a year with his entire family but because of the economic situation we can’t go to Turkey anymore. I also suggested several times to go to this place with my family and they weren’t really interested so if I don’t go with these people that I volunteer with then I won’t go at all.

I used to socialise a lot more before I got married. It’s like marriage and motherhood kind of isolated me. It also happened to be that after I got married, my friends got jobs and got married too and I just got preoccupied with my son and when my son was younger, I would rather stay home then to go out in public with him and risk a tantrum which in hindsight was wrong. He should have gotten used to going out and learned how to conduct himself in public at a young age.

Back to the picnic. I’m afraid I might not have fun but I guess I’ll be fine. We’re going to be in nature, there’s a hammock (I don’t really like hammocks but I’m sure my son would enjoy them) and my son has been to this picnic area before when he was 3 but he doesn’t remember. I’m really excited for this experience because he really doesn’t go anywhere, it’s really sad, but the saddest part is that like I was just worried about my son giving me a hard time there and then my husband started to warn me yesterday. He said if you want to go then you have to be on your best behaviour and you can’t be butthurt by every word that someone says.

Also, he said that I don’t know how to socialise and I only like to go into deep friendships (this is true to some extent but I have learnt from experience that having acquaintances is very important but as an introvert I do tend to focus more on my close friendships rather than my acquaintances and the reason is because I don’t really have a job so I don’t socialize much, except for the volunteer work but I just do my job and leave),but it’s a two-way street, I mean nobody tried to reach out to me but this time they did and I reached out back. My husband also said I tend to talk about myself a lot and people are interested in me and then they get me to talk about myself but then once I open up and they find out the things about me that fill their curiosity, they just walk away.

So now I’m freaking out and now I need a list of questions to ask the people that I’m going with because the one that’s in charge of the volunteering is the one that’s going to be giving me a ride.

At the picnic, there are going to be activities and if I feel socially awkward I can go play with my son. I feel like my son will be the buffer in this situation. He’s a little shy at first but then he gets really social, but he does act silly and I don’t know if they’ll like that or find it annoying. Anyway, I’ll just try to have fun and focus on the positives and be mindful and also socialise. I’m just worried about the ride there because like the woman that I’ve been volunteering for for 4 years doesn’t know anything about me and she’s not the type of person who I would talk to about my blog and my books. I don’t want to show her that side of me.

There are different sides of me so I just want her to know superficial information so I need to have other questions ready because she is going to ask me questions if not out of curiosity but to fill the silence during the car ride. I need to counteract her questions so that she doesn’t ask too many questions.

Does that make sense?

Am I antisocial or just socially awkward?

I believe I’m socially rusty but with practice I’ll get better. My husband believes that no matter how much practice I have, I’ll always be antisocial and socially awkward.

New month, New challenge: Day 17

Hello and welcome to my blog! Welcome to the new month, new challenge series. I have 2 missed challenges (day 10 and day 13) which I will get to later but otherwise, I’m all caught up.

Today’s challenge is:

Call someone special.

Do this challenge with me:

I immediately thought of a dear friend who I used to call every Friday until she got a full time job. Now we barely talk once a month. I decided to see if she is free to phone call today. Fingers crossed. But 1st, I need to wake up my 6 year old and make sure he has his breakfast before 10 am.

Update: I called this friend and was able to talk for 95 minutes. I had to hang up because my son has online classes in 10 minutes. It was a very pleasant phone call.

Who are you going to call today?

Just be you (a poem)

When you say you want to get to know me

What exactly do you mean?

I’ve compartmentalized myself

Into different entities

Should I tell you my achievements?

Or should I share my deepest fears?

Should I tell you all my musings?

Or pour my heart about my insecurities?

Should I tell you of my trauma?

Or would you rather scratch the surface?

Say my favorite color is purple

And my favorite snack is chocolate

Should I list all of my hobbies?

Or tell you all my hopes and dreams?

Or maybe you want to get to know me

Because you see a friend in me

Maybe YOU need to tell me something

But you fear to be misunderstood

You need to talk about your worries

And you wonder if you could

Pour your heart out without a filter

But you forgot how that works

So many masks to pick and choose from

Leave them all and just be YOU

I wrote this poem because I recently talked to an old friend and when she asked how I was, I immediately went on with my achievements, which isn’t something I normally do. I’m more of a “I’ll either talk about favorite colors or my trauma” so I guess to avoid trauma talk, and also as a form of self promotion, I talked about my achievement. This led to her wanting a video meeting (and if by now you don’t know, let me remind you: I have social anxiety). I don’t want to be defined by it and luckily my husband helps push me out of my comfort zone (my comfort zone can be too comfortable sometimes) so the meeting is today. Wish me luck.

I have no idea what to talk about with her. We haven’t spoken in 8 years (besides a brief text every 6 months). Any small talk pointers?

Poetry Friday: Lay it all on me

I see the real you

I see past all your masks

You say you’re fine to

Every person who asks

But I know sometimes you cry yourself to sleep

And you feel so sad that you can’t even speak

And you say you want to sit by yourself

But I know you just want the right company

You have mixed up emotions

And rage built up inside

And you need someone to tell you

Everything will be fine

In the end we’re all human

And it’s okay to feel sad

So take a deep breathe

And let it all out

Hold on to the moments

That give you tranquility

Like the sunrise in the morning

And the waves in the sea

Hold on to the moments

That make you feel at ease

Like a heartfelt conversation

Over a cup of coffee or tea

And when your heart gets heavy

And you feel that life’s too much

And you feel a bit unsteady

You can just call me up

Lay it all on me

Tell me exactly how you feel

I will sift through your pain

I will wipe away your tears

Put your hands up and pray

To your God the almighty

You don’t even need to say

He already knows how you feel

Thank you for reading (listening if you’re hearing this from my podcast). Please, like, comment and share with your friends and family. Reach out to a loved one who is in isolation. Check on your friends who haven’t been in touch lately.

Reblog: Love thy Neighbour..or at least know them!!

The pandemic has affected different people in different ways.. but for most of us, I can say with some confidence , that it has made us homebodies. We have realized there’s a certain joy in working from home dressed in our old, worn out tee and PJs and we ain’t getting out of them any […]

Love thy Neighbour..or at least know them!!

Just read this post from one of my favotite mom bloggers and it resonated with me 💯

I live in a building with 10 floors and I don’t really know my neighbors. I’m an introvert with social anxiety, which makes it hard for me to take the initiative. Plus, I’m very selective who to socialize with. Also, from what I know, my neighbors aren’t very friendly, or they just don’t like us. However, 3 months ago, a new neighbor moved in next door on the same floor, but I’m yet to get to know her. I don’t even know her name.

She has knocked on my door twice panicking because of some emergency in her apartment, but otherwise, nothing. She leaves her house everyday at a certain time and comes back at a certain time. I assume she spends all day at her mom’s, who she told me lives nearby. She suggested I come visit her and I said sure, though I know I won’t make the initiative.

I’m hoping she’ll show up someday soon. I wanted to showup with cake when she 1st moved in but my husband advised against it. Did I mention my husband is an introvert and a homebody? I’m an introvert too and sometimes I feel like I’m turning into a homebody.

She seems sweet and she has 2 young children but I think she isn’t visiting because she is freaking out about covid. She also may be selectively social.

Anyway, I’m just hoping she reaches out soon. It would be nice to socialize, and I think this is the only neighbor of mine who is my age. All the others have kids who are grown and flown.

Do you know your neighbors?

Are you friends with them?

Storytime: When will this pandemic end?

Hello and welcome to my blog!

So I tried this themed thing and I think it has pulled the plug on my creativity and originality and spontaneity.

My impulsive nature is a bad thing when it comes to problem solving and conflict resolution, but it comes in handy when I’m writing.

I wanted to get this post out there before midnight so I’d have posted it on Wednesday, so I’m just going to type until almost midnight and click publish and I’ll edit and add the tags and categories afterwards.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted, but I just had to get in 1 more episode. I watched 5 episodes of gilmore girls today. I do that when my brain can’t stop spinning. It’s my escapism.

I was supposed to be reading blogs but my head was about to explode. Lebanon is a mess right now and my husband is a worrier on good day. The more he worries, the more he goes into his cave, the move I try to reach out, the more he pulls away.

When will this pandemic end?

I’m trying to make myself happy with my books (I’m trying to read but it’s so hard with a 6 year old at home) and my tv shows and meditation and exercise but I need out. I need to go and see the waves. I need to see the snow. I need to smell the flowers.

This pandemic sucks. I’m really trying to be positive but seeing my husband devastated over the economic situation and not having anyone to talk about it to is awful. I vaguely remember having friends. Where have they gone? Complaining or venting doesn’t help anymore so I withdraw.

I had a friend I would call every Friday and talk for 2 hours. She’s too busy to even text me. My sister used to call everyday, but now she’s too busy. I had a best friend but now she’s busy with her new job and her new friends. Everyone else I know is either too sad to talk or too busy.

Am I doing this wrong? Am I supposed to keep myself so busy I don’t have time to talk to anyone? Am I not supposed to have the urge to call or text anyone? Am I not supposed to crave human connection?

When will this pandemic end?

I’ve been spending a lot more time with my son. For a long time, I struggled to spend 10 minutes of uninterrupted time with him. Now I spend up to 3 hours of quality time with him, playing ludo, uno, scrabble, pretend play, arts and crafts, and storytime. But then I feel the need to pull away and I start yelling at him when he wants more quality time because I need alone time or adult time and I’m not getting adult time.

My husband is withdrawn on himself (not all the time if I’m being fair, he has moments of normalcy where he is my dear loving husband or when he plays with our son but they’re rare and far in between) and I see my family once a week and I haven’t seen friends in a year, except for 1 friend whose phone is ruined and can’t converse with me on a regular basis.

It’s midnight. This was a good vent. I’m open to suggestions and validation and whatever thoughts you had while reading this.

Good night

What value do you add to your relationships?

Are you a good listener?

Do you have a sense of humor?

Are you good at giving the perfect gift or planning the perfect surprise?

Do people feel comfortable to vent around you?

Are you good at giving advice? Problem solving?

In every relationship you have, every person you keep in your life, is there for a reason.

Based on the value that others add to your life, you determine how close you are with them and how often you spend time with them.

But what value do you add to other people’s lives?

What makes you wanted by other people?

Some people are not aware of the effect they have on others, whether negative or positive. I feel it’s important to let people know what value they add to our lives, and what difference it makes when they are gone vs when they are there.

I know when I visit my family that I make them laugh and they enjoy venting to me as well. My mom and the kids like playing board games with me. So the value I add to them is obvious. The value they add to me is that I am completely myself around them. I forget about my phone and can just be in the moment. If I need to vent, I can vent. I feel loved and cherished around them. Of course drama always happens within every family, but that doesn’t affect the way I feel valued by them.

Sometimes I withdraw into my home and I don’t feel like seeing anyone. Sometimes I avoid dealing with people because I feel myself acting toxic.

Some people, however, make me feel like I have no worth unless I act like they want me to act. Around these people, I feel very uncomfortable, my moves calculated, overthinking every word and overanalyzing every movement. These people don’t see my worth. They don’t appreciate the real me, so I keep it hidden. My relationship with them is nothing more than a forced camaraderie. Therefore, I add no value to them and they add no value to me. At least that’s how I feel.

In your relationship with yourself, know your worth. Don’t rely on others to validate you. However, in your relationship with others, always seek to add value. Make your presence known and your absence felt.

Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.

Mother Teresa

Storytime: I saw my neighbor again today

Hello 👋 reader and welcome to my blog!

I mentioned recently in one of my blogs that I had a brief encounter with my new neighbor. It was awkward and I felt like I did all I could but she didn’t give me a chance to be more friendly.

Today, I saw her again. She was smiley but in a rush, and I actually chatted with her mom and got to know my neighbors kids. The thing is, my neighbors mom gave off the vibe that they had no interest in getting to know me, even though I was being very friendly.

I’m not under the impression that people automatically love me when they meet me. I’m very serious and socially awkward and I don’t smile as much as I used to before I got married and had a kid. However, when I put in the effort, I can be friendly. I don’t think it sounded strained but in conversations, I tend to be hyperfocused on body language and try to pick up on anysigns that the people I’m talking to don’t like me. Sometimes, due to anxiety, it’s all in my head. But in cases of meeting strangers, I usually share the conversation with someone else and get their feedback, and the feedback I got was that my neighbors mom was being unfriendly. I can’t say much for my neighbor because I saw her very briefly, during which she was sweet and acknowledged my son (which is really important to me because her mom didn’t even acknowledge my son’s presence).

Anyway, I feel accomplished because I was friendly and pushed past my comfort zone. Whether or not I end up getting to know my new neighbor and maybe become acquainted with her…only time will tell, but I’m at the point in my life where I don’t beg for people to like me. I’m trying to be a nice friendly neighbor and if she likes me, great. If not, it’s her choice. I know I’m an interesting person and you can’t get to know me completely overnight. I’m still getting to know myself.

Do you have trouble meeting people?

Or are you a social butterfly?