Poetry Friday: Healing is a journey

Hello and welcome to my blog! It’s been a rollercoaster lately. Some days I just want to stay in bed. Other days I feel so motivated and inspired. Some days I check everything on my to do list. Other days I do the bare minimum and binge watch TV shows instead.

When you have no responsibility onto others, your bad days only affect you. But that rarely is the case. A lot of you have kids, siblings, a spouse, or parents in the same household, and when you need your space, they rarely ever give it to you. So what do you do? Well, speaking for myself, I lash out until I get my space. Sometimes I get my space for days or weeks in a row, followed by days or weeks of no space at all.

Then there’s the guilt over lashing out and the apologies, then wondering what’s wrong with me, why can’t I control my anger, and downright hating on myself. There’s also the frustration from circumstances and not being in tune with my goals (binge eating and not exercising).

Then I remember I’m on a journey.

I hit a rough patch lately, but I’m not always like this. Even day to day, I have small wins. Like today, I yelled at my son a bit, but I also played ludo with him, helped him organize his papers, mopped the house, made the beds, did the dishes and laundry, sat on the balcony with my son while we ate ice cream and I watched the trees blow with the wind and listened to the sound of birds chirping nearby.

I also lost my cool again tonight when he refused to brush his teeth, as he does every night, but I kept in mind that I’m on a healing journey and if I want to teach him to control his emotions, I need to learn to control mine. It really helped me calm down and calm him down.

Anyway, enjoy this poem I wrote today about healing with your loved ones:

Healing is a journey

I still have long to go

Looking back to where I was

I’ve lost my sight of shore

Stuck in survival mode

I forgot what’s it’s like to thrive

Hiding in my comfort zone

I needed to feel alive

And then you came and rescued me

I didn’t know I needed saving

All the things that you taught me

How could you be so amazing?

But half the time you drive me crazy

You’re the only one who can enrage me

Sometimes I feel like this is toxic

And other times it feels exotic

We’re all broken

In different ways

We can either heal together

Or go our separate ways

Watch the glass break in slow motion

Watch the waves move in the ocean

Watch me as I lay there broken

Watch me as I build myself again

Not one of us is perfect

I can attest to that

I can play victim all day long

But I know better than that

Working on my patience

Protecting my energy

Working on a balance

Will you heal with me?

Healing is a journey

And I’ve had some setbacks

It’s my rollercoaster journey

And this is my comeback

How is your healing going?

Motherhood in poems: Healing from PPD

Hello 👋 reader and welcome to my blog!

On March 2nd 2020, I published my 1st book on Amazon. My publishing journey has been a whirlwind since I decided to publish in October 2019. Once I decided to actually try to sell my poems because all my friends said “you should sell your poems”, the Lebanese revolution began a few days later and my hopes to publish in Lebanon went up in flames. A few months later, I remembered an instagram friend advised me to publish on Amazon a year before because she wrote a parenting book on Amazon for free! I said why not.

By the time I gathered my poems from 2015 and edited my manuscript twice, found a bank I could use, I finally took the leap and published.

I was then hit with another roadblock, how to market my book. I can tell you so far that all my half hearted attempts have been futile, since I’ve been stuck at home with a husband and a 5 year old boy and consistency is not my strong suit and I have developed a love for binge watching tv shows and watching tv during this pandemic and depression hit me more than once during these 10 months since the initial lockdown and the situation in Lebanon has gotten worse day by day, so here is yet another attempt. I won’t try to market all 7 books at once.

Let’s start with my 1st book

Motherhood in poems : Healing from PPD

Why did I choose this book?

Nobody gives you a course in motherhood before you get married. You watch a lot of romantic movies, dream of the perfect man who will sweep you off your feet so you’ll live happily ever after, and you see the babies in the pampers ads look so cute you get baby fever, and next thing you know, pregnancy does not make you glow and the doctor is handing you a baby and explaining about all the ways you need to nurture him physically and emotionally and you’re like “huh?” and the doctor literally says “you didn’t think you were just going to feed him and change his diapers, right?” and you go *internal screaming* and not even the doctor explains ppd to you.

It took me a year to realize I had ppd (post partum depression) because I was crying all the time, feeling overwhelmed and despite the help I got from my mom and in laws, most of the work was on me and I was expected to devote myself to my child while holding a household and adhering to society’s standards of perfection and blending with my traditional in laws and getting to know my husband while feeling so utterly alone and if I even thought of complaining about anything (not just the baby stuff) I was hit with “why can’t you just appreciate motherhood? It’s such a blessing”

It wasn’t until I read Chrissy Taegan had ppd that I looked it up and resonated with it and started to heal myself. The poems I wrote during this year were therapeutic, and they pulled me out of this depression, and I hope that they will do the same for you.

This brings me to my next question. Who is my audience?

Mothers, especially those with newborns or pregnant or even people who want to become mothers (in case you want to reconsider before it’s too late). I want to give insight on what it’s like to have ppd and about how to get over it. My target audience was worldwide, but I found out kindle isn’t available in any of the Arabian countries, especially not in the Middle East. Also the paperback version is half the time not available in Lebanon and the other half has 50$ shipment fee. Besides the fact that the dollar vs lira value has plummeted and my 12$ book now costs a fortune in Lebanese liras, not to meantion the added 50$ shipment fee. So as much as I would love to sell to my lebanese followers and friends, my target audience are Americans, Canadians, Austrialians, UK and maybe one day European countries if I even get that popular.

Let me walk you through my book. I categorized it, as you know I love to be organized, by topic.

Part 1 is about negative encounters. You know when you have a conversation with someone and you just want to punch them in the face? That kind of encounter.

Part 2 is about depression. Obviously, this is a book about healing from depression, so I must put poems that describe how I felt. Don’t worry though, it gets lighter.

Part 3 is about anxiety. My blog is basically about mothering with anxiety. I’ve had anxiety since I was 20, or at least that’s when I was able to label it as anxiety. And to become a mother while already having anxiety is no easy task.

Part 4 is about love. It’s mainly about my relationship with my husband and how my love for him held me together, even though he didn’t really help with my depression because he didn’t understand why I was lashing out and crying, but nevertheless, he tried his best to support me as a husband should. The fact that I could stay home and didn’t have to work was a bonus, but I do wish he understood my need to go out and about more. In his defense, our son was born with a weak immunity and was very fragile for the 1st 6 months of his life.

Part 5 is about motherhood, or at least the positive aspects of it. The love, the care, what it feels like to be a mother, anxiety and depression aside. It truly is a blesding, but I guess they should write “may cause ppd and beware if you already have anxiety” in the fineprint.

Part 6 is about optimism. I had to start developing a positive mindset in order to get through my depression and function as a mother and as a human. Optimism is key but it’s not easy to reach.

Part 7 is about friendship. Wherever you are in life, you need a support system. You need friends you can vent to who will validate your feelings, give you advice and make you feel loved, and I’m glad I had friends like that by my side, even though most of them are in different countries, but they are just one text away.

Part 8 is about prayer. Without my faith, I wouldn’t have been able to make it out of that long dark tunnel I was in. I’m grateful that I was able to see the light and prayer helped me develop patience and perseverance.

I hope you enjoyed my walkthrough of this book. If you want to, you can order it as paperback for 12$ here and starting December 3rd for just 10$ as kindle ebook here (it’s currently enrolled in kdp select which means if you have kindle unlimited you can read it for free with your 10$ per month subscription and I get payed for the amount of pages you read).

If you want some snippets from this book, go to my author instagram page here and check out my latest posts.

Before I end up on my deathbed (a poem)

I feel like I've been falling
Deep into despair
I can hear the angels calling
And I'm gasping for air

Wait!

I'm not ready to go yet
There's so much I need to do
So many things left unsaid
So many things I got to prove
Before I end up on my death bed
There's a lot I want to do

I keep comparing
My life to other people's lives
So I stop living
I feel their lives are better than mine

I struggle with being
Content and joyful
Sometimes
I struggle with feeling
Graceful and peaceful
Sometimes

But I tell myself that I'm so blessed
And even discontent is just a test
So I keep on praying to make me the best
Version of me that I can be

And when I realize I've gone too far
And all my wounds have turned to scars
I stop and think of all the things
That I'm blessed with, it makes a difference

Can you feel the light begin to glow?
Breathe in deep and breathe out slow
Can you feel the fire in your soul?
Hold onto your faith, don't let it go

If you have a dream
Fight for it
I know it may seem impossible
But don't compare
It's not worth it
Your dream is irreplaceable

Remember when you dreamed
Of the things you have now?
Remember when it seemed
Life was over? Somehow

You made it through
You passed the test
You leveled up
You were the best

You can make it through again
Even if you have to begin again
You won't be starting over
You'll be starting with experience

Healing isn’t linear

It’s confusing when you don’t know why you feel the way you feel. It’s easy to blame your feelings on the world, on the circumstances, on other people. But we’re adults now. It’s our responsibility to self regulate, to process our own emotions and take responsibility for our feelings. So it’s up to you. You can say “he makes me angry” or “i need to create healthy boundaries with him”.

We all have been subjected to things that have traumatized us, as children or as adults, and it’s hard to just forget. We could be doing fine and then suddenly get triggered by a word and fall apart. Healing isn’t linear. So what’s the cure? Find healthy coping mechanisms. Replace emotional eating with walking. Replace binge watching tv shows with reading. Find what works as medicine for you, and do it. Incirporate it into your routine. There is no magic wand that will make all your trauma disappear. Trauma lives in the body, in the subconscious. You just need to acknowledge that you’ve been traumatized and that you’re in the process of healing.

When you feel a deficiency symptom, do something that would increase that hormone