Poetry Friday: Happiness eludes me

I watch the sun rise

Feel the breeze on my face

The power’s out, I realize

But my joy isn’t phased

What is this vibe?

It’s like the stars aligned

Is this what it’s like?

To be content

Because happiness eludes me

It seems like a delusion

The moment I hold on to it

It drifts away

And I’m left shipwrecked

This heaviness in my chest

Is so familiar

I almost forget it’s pain

And I’m flooded with regrets

Shame and confusion

I don’t know why I do this

But this pain is comforting

Sometimes I chase happiness

Sometimes I search for meaning

It’s impossible to feel blessed

With my anxiety like demons

But it’s like

It’s become my identity

Like I’m broken

And I need someone to fix me

Theoretically

I know what to do but

It’s a lifelong journey

And it’s a bit too much

I know that I should love myself

I know I should be kind

But I don’t eat or sleep well

And I occasionally exercise

It’s like I have a death wish

I feel so lost and helpless

I think I’m co-dependant

But I don’t want to be

My hands are shaking

From too much caffeine

And intermittent sleeping

My social skills are weak

I wish I could be put together

Like other people that I know

But maybe they’re all just a mess

And they’re putting on a show

Focusing on myself

And my surroundings

It helps me to relax

And keeps me grounded

The magnets and stickers on my fridge

Remind me of the miracle that is

My sunshine, my sweety pie

The Apple of my eye

I have shelter, food and clothes

I’ll never take for granted

I have running water, who knows?

How long it will last and

I have so much, yet I complain

Does that mean I am vain?

It just means I’m human

And I’m trying

Storytime: It’s human nature

It’s human nature to get hung up on the things you don’t have or can’t do

I complain about the people in my life a lot, but honestly, I can’t live without them.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t make things up. It’s just, the good things in my life, the happy moments, I either take them for granted, or I cherish them too much that I prefer to keep them private. But since negativity bias is human nature, I will forgive myself for my slip ups and focus on the positive things. I will show you how I overcame my negative thoughts today.

Today my day was full of good moments, and moments of bliss and pure happiness, but I also had hours of depression and negative thoughts like “my in laws hate me”, “I regret getting married”, and “I can’t be a mom, I’m going to traumatize my son” and “my parents never call me” and for a few hours I believed these thoughts. Sometimes I act upon them as if they were facts, but today I didn’t.

Today I let them pass by keeping my mouth shut and reading blogs while I held my husband’s hand. I didn’t want to hurt him with my thoughts so I didn’t vocalize them. I didn’t want them to feel real by being out there and slowly I started to challenge those thoughts.

First of all, I bought my in laws flowers today, and they really loved them. My sister in law asked how I was doing and I answered and it felt good not like she was being intrusive. It felt like she cared, and I silenced the voice in my head that said she was just curious.

The flowers I bought

Second of all, my husband and I are doing fine. Yes the lockdown is making us all stressed out so we take it out on eachother sometimes, but we are good. No marriage is perfect but we’re not unhappy. I mean today and right now I’m happy and really appreciative of my husband and how hard he works and how he listens to me even when I’m tired and bears with my moods and helps me around the house when I’m tired.

This lockdown is driving me crazy 🤪

Third of all, my son is doing fine, I hope. I am burdened with guilt about traumatizing my son often, partly because I was traumatized as a child. I fear that I’ll do the same to my son sometimes, but then I remember that I read my son stories and I sing him songs. I tell him he is brave, kind and strong. I praise him often when he does good. I try to lead by example, but I fear I fall short. I tell him that I love him even when he is at his worst. I hold him close and say “I’m here for you” when he is overwhelmed. I say hurtful things sometimes but then I apologize. I hope one day he appreciates how much I have compromised. Just to raise him into an emotionally healthy person. I hope I don’t mess it up. There’s no guarantee when it comes to kids, in life, you just got to trust that you are doing what you can with what you have. So I silence the thoughts of fear and guilt and shame and hug my inner child. I reparent myself as I parent my child.

Last but not least, my mom literally called me today. My sister calls me almost everyday. My dad isn’t much of a talker so once in a while he may text me what’s up or I’ll text him miss you. My family love me. When I visit them, I’m literally the life of the party. In my absense, they get busy and absorbed in their own stuff but so do I.

It’s human nature to

  • Judge
  • Complain

But it’s also human nature to

  • Help others
  • Love