Poetry Friday: Happiness eludes me

I watch the sun rise

Feel the breeze on my face

The power’s out, I realize

But my joy isn’t phased

What is this vibe?

It’s like the stars aligned

Is this what it’s like?

To be content

Because happiness eludes me

It seems like a delusion

The moment I hold on to it

It drifts away

And I’m left shipwrecked

This heaviness in my chest

Is so familiar

I almost forget it’s pain

And I’m flooded with regrets

Shame and confusion

I don’t know why I do this

But this pain is comforting

Sometimes I chase happiness

Sometimes I search for meaning

It’s impossible to feel blessed

With my anxiety like demons

But it’s like

It’s become my identity

Like I’m broken

And I need someone to fix me

Theoretically

I know what to do but

It’s a lifelong journey

And it’s a bit too much

I know that I should love myself

I know I should be kind

But I don’t eat or sleep well

And I occasionally exercise

It’s like I have a death wish

I feel so lost and helpless

I think I’m co-dependant

But I don’t want to be

My hands are shaking

From too much caffeine

And intermittent sleeping

My social skills are weak

I wish I could be put together

Like other people that I know

But maybe they’re all just a mess

And they’re putting on a show

Focusing on myself

And my surroundings

It helps me to relax

And keeps me grounded

The magnets and stickers on my fridge

Remind me of the miracle that is

My sunshine, my sweety pie

The Apple of my eye

I have shelter, food and clothes

I’ll never take for granted

I have running water, who knows?

How long it will last and

I have so much, yet I complain

Does that mean I am vain?

It just means I’m human

And I’m trying

Highlights of the day

Highlights of the day

Storytime: And the lockdown continues…

COVID-19 Information

Why can’t people just wear masks and avoid crowded areas?

I’ve been wearing a mask since March 2020, and I only visut my parents once a week and my in laws once a week and I occasionally go to the supermarket.

Why is it so important for people to laze around in cafes without a mask and ignore all covid-19 restrictions?

My day was okay, and everything was fine. I didn’t get much done on my lists, but I did get a lot of things done. I was happy with myself and life seemed okay, despite the whole country being in lockdown since Thursday.

However, I got news that in 72 hours even supermarkets will close and there will be an even more strict lockdown, not the “you can walk in the street but don’t open your business” kind, but the “stay at home and don’t even open your door” kind.

I think I’m starting to panic. I started imagining people panic buying, and chaos and my stomach is doing somersaults and my migraine from this morning is back.

I’m trying not to panic. I’m not araid I’ll catch corona virus. I’m afraid of what will happen if I’m confined to my house with my husband and son, no walks, no visiting parents, no me time on Friday. I fear for my mental health.

I’m going to take it day by day. Right now I’m tired and I have to sleep. It’s 10 p.m.

Is it normal how I feel? Any advice?

Good night 😴

Stay home 🏡

Stay safe

Is your country/state/province in lockdown?

Life is like a game of snakes and ladders

Every time I play 🐍 snakes and ladders with my son, I think of this.

For those who don’t kniw what snakes and ladders is, it’s a board game that you play with dice and you can go up ladders and down snakes of various sizes. The bigger the ladder, the farther you go, the bigger the snake, the longer it takes you to go forward. It’s basically a game of luck. Whatever you get on the dice, you move. Whoever reaches 100 1st wins.

Some people, like me, feel happiness everytime they go up a ladder, no matter how small, and disappointment everytime they go down a snake, no matter how small.

Other people, like my son, are disappointed by small ladders because they have their eyes set on the biggest ladder because they want to win quickly, and are terrified of the giant snake.

Some people, like me, will forget to have fun while playing, because they take the game too seriously.

Other people, like my son, enjoy being silly throughout the game.

Some people, like me, refuse to cheat, and won’t let others cheat (but I do let a few things slide for my 5 year old because of our age difference).

Other people, like my son, will keep trying to cheat because they’ll do whatever it takes to win. If they get a number on the dice that will get them into the snake, they will demand to roll again, claim they weren’t paying attention, and say whatever just to avoid going down the snake.

Some people, like me, don’t really care if they win or lose because the purpose of the game was to spend time with their loved one(s).

Other people, like my son, are sore losers (will cry if they lose and demand a rematch) and obnoxious winners (will rub it in your face and do a happy dance).

This game reminds me of life because ladders are like opportunities, snakes are like obstacles, and the dice is like fate, or the cards you have been dealt. You can’t control which number you’ll get. The only difference is that every ladder is a win and every snake is a loss and when you reach 100, you’re on your deathbed, and it won’t matter if the other players reached 100 before you because you are racing against time, against yourself, against all odds, and it won’t matter how manny ladders you went up or how many snakes you went down. All that will matter is who you spent time with and your attitude when you lost and when you won. It won’t matter how many times you fell but how you got up after falling, whether you gave up or not, and how much kindness you spread along the way.

What are your priorities in life?

Our priorities are the areas of our lives that are meaningful and important to us. They’re usually activities, practices, or relationships that we want to put genuine effort and time into. Priorities imply that a hierarchy can be followed for different areas of your life and/or work.

https://theblissfulmind.com/top-priorities-in-life/

I was venting to a friend the other day about my problems, and I don’t remember what I said exactly but basically I gave her a list of all the things I was angry about. Things that I wanted in my life but couldn’t have, for one reason or another.

She said something very insightful. She said that I need to sit with myself and think about my priorities. Pick one or two and work on making them happen. Don’t try to get everything you want all at once, or you’ll end up with nothing.

I kind of knew this already, but I’ve been avoiding doing what I need to do. Every month since November 2019, I’ve been making 20 + goals and tracking my progress, telling myself if I achieve 5, I’m good. The problem is that I’m never fulfilled. I’m stressed out all the time. Even when I go for walks, it’s to get in steps. I walk around tense and startled from the sound of cars and the looks of people.

I keep myself busy with reading and writing. I’ve been meditating. It helps, but it’s not enough. I’ve been exercising, but not everyday. I haven’t been socializing.

What I want: a teaching job (but I’m terrified to even apply because I haven’t taught in 6 years and before that I used to tutor one on one), a car and to practice driving (I’ve had a license for 7 years but I never practiced driving an automatic car), a fit body (my eating habits are all over the place), nice mom friends, nice neighbor friends, to not be socially anxious, to be patient and graceful, to be wise and spiritually connected to God, a desk, a treadmill, a library, to volunteer and give back to society, more me time (I love my son but he needs to see kids more often and I need to see adults more often), for this pandemic to end, for the economy in Lebanon to recover, world peace, the end of poverty, to write a best selling novel, for people to buy my books, to read all the ebooks on my laptop, to sleep early, wake up early, and maintain energy throughout the day, to eat healthy balanced meals, a healthier marriage (my marriage is fine but there’s always room for improvement).

Is that too much to ask?

So I categorized my goals and I’m working on things to do daily, weekly, and monthly. I noticed I’m more consistent with the daily things. I’m not even going near the monthly things, with the mentality of “I have all of January to do this”.

About work, I thought about it and realized work is not a priority right now because where am I going to put my 5 year old when I go to work? In the middle of a pandemic where people are losing their jobs, the country is going on lockdown every few months, and the economy is a bust. Who needs a teacher when schools are barely holding themselves together going online? Then suddenly I decided to check my emails today and I went down a rabbit hole and before I realize what’s going on, I’m updating my CV. I clearly need lessons in prioritizing. Obviously my top priority is being the best mom I can be. My son is still highly dependent on me and me not prioritizing him is making him super clingy. 2020 has been hard on me, but on him too being an only child. He is getting reallly bored and lonely and he needs my undivided attention, not my anxiety ridden attitude. Also self care is a big priority for me, because you can’t pour from an empty cup. But I also need to socialize, so… Ugh do you see what is happening here? 🤦‍♂️

How do you prioritize what you want?

Storytime: Life gets in the way

Hello 👋 reader and welcome to my blog!

Welcome to another day of me complaining about my 1st world problems. I’m trying not to. Seriously, I’m trying my best but I have been exhausted for the past few days.

Life doesn’t always see eye to eye with a person’s plans. Sometimes you have to let go if you want to experience the true beauty life is willing to offer you.

Ines Vieira, When Life Gets in the Way

Today has been better than before because I managed to get some me time after dawn and that helped me throughout the day but still I’m just exhausted.

I took my son to the supermarket but he didn’t really enjoy it. We did do some arts and crafts that we enjoyed but basically around meal times it was a struggle.

My son hasn’t been eating well lately and it’s really frustrating me. He has a small appetite so I don’t know what to do to get him to eat more. I’m trying so hard it got to the point where I’m threatening to punish him if he doesn’t eat and I know it’s wrong but I can’t handle the pressure anymore.

Anyway, I’m way behind on my writing goals and my social goals because this week I haven’t been ticking off ✅ my goal plans because I followed them for 3 weeks and then I decided to take a break for the fourth week because I was supposed to be planning for the future (next month and next year) but I still have half a mission statement to write and I started decorating my 2021 plannar today but it didn’t go as expected and I still need to write my 2021 goals.

I feel like I’m going all over the place and I feel very impatient to achieve all of my goals and very intolerant of other people, especially my loved ones and I feel very lonely and at the same time I can see people reaching out to me and I’m pushing them away and my son is getting very bored. When I’m not entertaining him, he just wants to watch on YouTube or he bugs me until I snap.

I get it. I mean, I’m exhausted and I just want to watch on my laptop too, but I can’t let him watch cartoons all day. I finished Young Sheldon recently and I started watching This Is Us. I watched half an episode two days ago and I watched another half an episode today in between screaming at my son to “leave me alone because you already had more than an hour of screen time and it’s my turn now”.

I’m really trying to get out of the mindset of complaining. I was working on my friend’s birthday gift today and the more I worked on it, the more I thought “Oh she’s going to hate it. It’s hideous. It’s not expensive enough”.

I don’t know. I don’t have any self-confidence when it comes to people. I don’t feel like I’m a very good friend, a good mother for that matter or a good wife. My self-confidence is below zero at the moment (it fluctuates) and I know what to do about it theoretically but self-improvement is a lot of work and it’s really exhausting!

I wanted to write a blog post about efficiency vs effectiveness today because I finished reading about the third habit from The 7 habits of highly effective people and since I’m really enjoying this book, I thought I’d share the gems I’m learning. Also, it helps me to reinforce the information by writing about it.

The thing is, if I’m going to write that post today, I’m going to have to stay up late or I’m going to have to wake up after dawn again tomorrow to write it and I don’t know if I can manage waking up after dawn every single day when I can’t nap during the day and I don’t see my husband until night-time when I’m most exhausted and he’s exhausted.

In conclusion, that’s life. You make goals and plans, then life gets in the way but you have to keep pushing and you have to keep trying, but also learn to let go and enjoy the things you have and the people who love you. I’m trying to make writing a priority but I can’t because my son is my priority and he just sucks the life out of me sometimes. However, sometimes he feels like a blessing and a muse and gives me a sense of purpose and makes my heart swell. Often, I have all those emotions within the same day, several times a day. I just oscillate between them.

So if you’re a mom and if you’re struggling, I get you. If you’re not a mom and you’re struggling, I also get you. Whether you’re married or single, have kids or don’t have kids, life gets in the way of your dreams and if you want to make a dream come true, you have to chase it and work hard to achieve it, but not at the expense of your priorities (i. e. Don’t abandon your family and friends in pursuit of your dream) and if life gets in the way, it’s okay. Just make sure you do at least 1 thing everyday that gets you closer to your dream (according to the 80/20 rule).

Welcome to Lebanon (a poem)

Welcome to Lebanon

Check your sanity at the door

We got chaos served as the encore

Please don’t leave, come back for more

---

For entrees we got deceit

Bad infrastructure and electricity

For the main course we got poverty

Our landfills filled and so are the streets

---

If you want dessert you got to wait

The prices up and so much at stake

Our government’s too stubborn to make

A solution out of this calamity

---

Come now, don’t walk away

We can entertain you along the way

Dark humor is a coping mechanism

We can’t afford shrinks, so what you say?

---

We’ll sing you songs, you can clap along

We’ll dance with you, run a marathon

But don’t forget, our fate’s in God’s hands

We’re not your puppets, so understand

---

We stand tall

And we stand proud

We won’t fall

We’ll sing loud

---

Welcome to Lebanon

We are a nation of diversity

When we get along

We will save the economy

---

Welcome to Lebanon

We have good food, good company

Come on sing along

We will rise like we used to be

Update & Happy Monday!

So I haven’t been posting as often lately. As a result, my stats have dropped. I noticed that the more often I post, the higher my stats get. But I’ve been trying to slow down so others can keep up, but slowing down actually lowered my stats.

Anyway, this time wasn’t on purpose. I hurt my foot a few days ago and I’ve been exhausted ever since. Minimal physical activity is making me really tired and although I’m barely doing housework, there is still much to be done as a stay at home mom with a 5 year old.

I don’t know why I’m explaining myself. I tend to do that a lot. I think it’s because when someone doesn’t explain things to me, I automatically assume an answer on my own. Sometimes I’m right and sometimes I’m wrong. It depends on how well I know the person.

Another reason I’ve been posting less is that I usually post at night when I can’t sleep and I’ve been sleeping at around 10pm lately (it’s 10pm now) and when I use the phone in bed (like I’m doing now) I end up not falling asleep until midnight. Another time I usually post is after dawn, but I’ve been going back to sleep after dawn because my son has been waking me at 6:30 or 7am (as opposed to him usually waking up at 8am).

So there’s that. I would really appreciate your input on what type of blogs you would like to see more of. I don’t know if there is a way I can make a poll. Maybe I’ll try google survey (never tried it before).

Ok then. I hope you have a good day or a good night (depending on where you are in the world).

I’m not going to comment on the US elections, although the US elections affect the political and economic status in Lebanon. Plus I’m half American. I would rather keep my political opinion to myself.

Ok my feet hurt. Bye. Hope I fall asleep easily. I’m exhausted.

I’ve been doing yoga lately though, so there’s that, but I didn’t do yoga today.

Update!

I’m finally all caught up with week 1 of October posts. I just saved posts from after that. Won’t be reading them today because I am going to watch a movie now.

Nancy Drew and the hidden staircase

So what did I learn from 3 days of reading blogs?

They are all good advice, things I mostly knew, in addition to personal updates of stranger’s lives, which was really interesting to read.

I’m glad I didn’t write during these 3 days because I was a bit messed up inside, and I don’t like to preach about positivity when I myself felt like I was failing at life.

So today I literally cleaned the dirt off my windows, to get a clearer view, and figuratively, I felt a deeper insight to what was going on inside of me.

I’m always reading so much and feeding my mind with podcasts and youtube videos and blogs and books (currently reading The 7 habits of highly effective people) that I don’t give myself the time to reflect and act on them.

I have this fear of missing out, but not on parties and going out. I feel like I need to fill myself with as much information as I can, because there is so much information out there, it’s exhausting to try to keep up.

I also realized something else in these 3 days. I don’t have many friends, not in the real sense. I think everyone I communicated with, I reached out to them, even my sister.

It’s sad, but don’t feel bad for me just yet. I kind of connected with my son and husband more. Kind of. It’s a process.

I’m basically trying to be a better human, and I’m trying not to complain. I slept well last night, but I still got a migraine from being on my phone too much.

So what to expect from me in my next blogs:

I’m going to lay off giving advice until I get myself together, but I enjoyed talking about Turkey so you will see more posts about my time in Turkey in 2016. I will try to post 1 blog post per day. Let’s see what happens.

My stats suffered greatly from my lack of blogging for 3 days. They were booming and then they shrunk. I expected my friends to keep up with my blogs during these 3 days, but they didn’t so… I know they’re busy but still…

Anyway, I need to remind myself that I’m blogging for me. Here’s something interesting, not blogging made me feel so confused like I couldn’t explain how I feel. Now I feel like my thoughts are stale and stagnant.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but I am taking it one blog at a time.

Live wholeheartedly

I did that today, and I’m proud of myself. I just relaxed and spent time with my family. Let things flow. This is rare for me, with my anxiety. My brain tells me nobody loves me, but today I felt loved. I still find it hard to believe when someone does something nice for me without expecting anything in return. In this day and age, it feels strange, especially when these gestures come from someone who is normally so calculated. I feel like I have become a bit calculated, as a protective mechanism. Not today, though.

A motto to live by. I hope I can live up to it. It’s hard, being human. We all make mistakes. Be forgiving ao others can firgive you.

For me it is writing.

I usually go on my phone for 6 to 7 hours a day. Today just 2 hours. Don’t waste your time comparing your life to that of others, wishing you had what they have, wishing you could go to the places they go to and do the things that they do. I do that sometimes, quite a lot lately. But today, I decided to celebrate what I had, and I realized I had a lot. I have people who rejoice at my company, which I find weird because I don’t think I’m good company, at least not when I’m in a bad mood. Today I was in a good mood. Here’s to more good moods. Good night. I’m sleepy at 8pm. Let the bedtime routine begin.