Poetry Friday: I’m here

Hello and welcome to my blog! It’s been a long day today. I’ve been up since 4 am. I did housework and worked on my laptop. Being at home all day is exhausting in itself, especially since my son wouldn’t let me nap. Even though my brain is fried, I didn’t want to let you down on poetry Friday, so I closed my eyes and summoned my muse. It doesn’t always work, but this time it did.

This week’s poem: I’m here

I know when you act up

You just need love and care

I know when you clam up

You’re just feeling scared

If I’m being honest

I’m just winging it

Sometimes all this

Is too much to give

Sometimes I need a break

It has nothing to do with you

My sanity is at stake

And I know it affects you too

I may not have all the answers

And I may not always do as I say

Responsibility has me battered

But I’m here and I’m here to stay

I will lift you up when you’re feeling low

I’ll be with you when you’re all alone

Holding your hand

Helping you stand

Life will throw you curveballs along the way

I hope you learn the lessons it means to teach

I’ll stand with you in the sunshine and the rain

You can lean on me when you feel weak

Because I can’t explain

My love for you

It goes beyond logic

But I’m here to stay

I’ll be here with you

Witness all your magic

Because when you grow up, you’ll do amazing things

You amaze me now when you’re just a kid

If it’s in the cards, you’ll have a kin

Until then, it’s you and me, kid.

I literally had to hide in the bathroom to write this. It’s really sad but my son is acting up because I didn’t really spend much one on one time with him today. Not more than 15 minutes. I’ve been on my phone or laptop or cooking and doing housework. He really needs me attention. I try to hug him and kiss him as often as I can but it doesn’t seem to satisfy him for long. He wants me to play with him but I’m bloated and nauseated because I’ve been eating a lot of junk food lately. I can’t seem to find the will power to stop eating so many sweets, thus feeling groggy and not energetic. Plus, I’ve been up since 4 am because I couldn’t sleep.

Despite my imperfect parenting, I love my son so much and although my moods and energy levels don’t show it as much as I want to, I think he knows it. He is an amazing smart cute strong willed kid and I’m lucky to have him.

Since the pandemic, it’s been hard on both of us. I crave me time and adult connection while he misses playing on the playground with other kids and going places to play with his cousins.

How has the pandemic affected you?

How to say I love you in 21 different ways

Hello and welcome to my blog! As you know, I’ve been really kern on doing 21 day challenges lately, and it has motivated me a great deal. I’m actually currently doing 4 challenges.

I’m trying to develop healthy positive habits and the 21 days challenge app is really motivating me. I’m currently doing a positive mindset challenge, fix your sleep schedule challenge, home workout challenge, and a no junk food challenge.

The couples challenge I was doing ended (yesterday was the last day). However, sadly, this is the only challenge I didn’t complete. The thing is, you can’t force someone to do a challenge with you, but I wanted to work on my marriage because there’s always room for improvement. The problem is, my husband hates romantic gestures and deep conversations.

The boxes I ticked in this challenge were mostly things I shared with myself on my notes. Some of the things I did with my husband, like telling him “I love you” unexpectedly and thanking him for things he did. But these are things I do anyway, so I don’t feel any different. If anything, I feel disappointed that I couldn’t do all these things.

Nevertheless, I tried, and that’s what matters, and during the 21 days, we weren’t fighting much, mostly because I was trying to make the challenge work, but towards the end, I kind of gave up on trying these things.

I still decided to share them because chances are your spouse or partner is receptive to these gestures of affection.

I did 14 things out of 21

21 ways to say “I love you” without saying it:

These challenges will help you build a solid relationship and be more loving, kind, and thoughtful towards your spouse or partner.

1. Make a list of things you love about your partner

2. Plan a surprise date night.

3. Tell your partner you love them at an unexpected time.

4. Share a fear you have about your relationship.

5. Share a good memory you have about your partner.

6. Send your partner a romantic morning text/audio.

7. Thank your partner for something today.

8. Surprise your partner with something good.

9. Share a goal you have for your relationship.

10. Give your partner a compliment.

11. Plan a weekend getaway.

12. Look at old pictures together.

13. Reminisce about when you first met.

14. Make a bucket list together.

15. Pick a random word and start a deep conversation with your partner.

16. Do a puzzle together.

17. Write a love letter to your partner and hide it for them to find later.

18. Do something your partner enjoys doing together.

19. Make their favourite treat.

20. Tell your partner something you remember they like.

21. Give your partner a hug when they’re not expecting it.

To do this challenge, go to: https://21dayschallengeapp.com/app/challenge

Throwback Thursday: What is love?

Hello 👋 reader and welcome to my blog! Today I’m going to share a post I wrote a year ago, but on February 17th not the 25th, because I didn’t write a post on the 25th.

I didn't miss the memo, i just don't celebrate Valentine's day because i am Muslim. The reason why is because the origin of Valentine's day is when St. Valentine was killed for allowing people to have romantic relationships. Also, i don't believe in specializing one day to celebrate something that should be celebrated everyday.
That being said, Valentine's day is about love, so that's what i'm going to talk about today. Although it's February 17th, not 14th, but love should be celebrated everyday.
So what is love? Is it like those romantic relationships we see in movies? Is it those fantasies of a romantic novel? Is it really unstable and unpredictable?
There is a saying about love in the Bible actually. I'm a Muslim but this saying rang true to me.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
For those in healthy relationships, and i don't just mean the romantic ones, the saying is applied. But most of us aren't in healthy relationships.
Some people don't get along with their siblings, or are estranged from their parents, or are at war with their children, or are two faced with their friends in the name of etiquette, or are staying with their spouses "for the kids".
There is this book i read as a kid. It is titled "What is Love" and it explains the saying above in a very nice way.
So what IS love?
For me, loving someone is accepting the other person as they are but also not being afraid to point out their flaws so that they can work on themselves. It is being happy for their happiness and sad for their sadness. Someone who loves you will want the best for you, and will encourage you and motivate you and inspire you.
Backtracking from that, the most person you need to love is yourself. If you can't love yourself, you can't spread love to others. Love is founded on trust and respect. You need to trust yourself by having faith in yourself and being brave enough to step out of your comfort zone and knowing that you will survive because you got this!
You need to respect yourself enough to set healthy boundaries with others, especially the ones closest to you. If you let people walk all over you, and then suddenly lash out because they are suffocating your personal space, you need to take your space back bit by bit. They will protest because, given the opportunity, a lot of people will cross your boundaries. Many people will cross your boundaries just to see how far you will let them go before you lash out on them. So love yourself, trust yourself, and respect yourself.
Another point i want to discuss is, just because you love someone and they love you back, romantic or otherwise, doesn't mean it automatically becomes a healthy relationship. For a relationship to work, it takes hard work. There is a thing called love languages. You and the person you love may have different love languages. For example, my love language is words of affirmation and encouragement. I give those away as much as i expect them back in return when i need them. Some people get that about me, and shower me with positive feedback and encouraging words, while other people express their love to me through acts of service and expect me to express my love to them through acts of service. The result is that we are both giving different types of love and expecting what we give. We end up feeling unappreciated, although we are recieving love, just not in the form that we need. In my opinion, we need all 5 types of love languages from different people, and we only notice that when, using me as an example, the other person minimizes their acts of service for me or i minimize my words of affirmation and the other person notices.
My point is, we need to make an effort to openly understand our loved ones, explain our love languages and what we expect, and give the other person the type of love they are expecting and, in return, they will feel loved enough to return the type of love we feel we need. Am i making any sense?

In early 2020, I wasn’t blogging daily because the pandemic hadn’t begun yet and I was probably just busy with stuff. Here’s what I shared on instagram on February 17th.

Throwback Thursday blogs is really putting things into perspective for me. I have no memory of what happened a year ago, let alone a month ago, and yet I lose my cool over things I won’t even remember in a year. Like yesterday, my son spilled orange juice all over the table and chair and floor and I lost it. I sobbed like a baby and he had to comfort me. I feel so silly now. Like it didn’t need such an extreme reaction. I was technically upset because the microphone on my laptop stopped working and it’s tiresome to have my son take his online classes via earphones and my laptop bluetooth doesn’t work so I can’t have him use my wireless headphones. But still, inconveniences happen all the time. There’s no use to cry over spilled juice.

Self-reflection Sunday: Write 10 things you love about yourself

Hello 👋 reader and welcome to my blog!

Today I’m going to attempt to find 10 things I love about myself. I have low self confidence and I usually focus on my flaws more than my attributes.

So this is my self reflection practice of the week.

It’s part of the self confidence challenge on the app 21 days challenge.

1. I love the way I draw. I don’t exactly like to draw, but when I draw for my son, I feel proud of my work.

2. I love how self aware I am. Even though this leads me to be very self critical, it provides a lot of insight into why I am the way I am.

3. I love that I’m good at poetry. Poems come to me effortlessly, and that is a gift I don’t take for granted.

4. I love how organized I am. I know there are people who take organization to a different level by getting bins for that purpose, but I am organized nontheless.

5. I love my thirst for knowledge and research and learning new skills. I’m always working on myself and sharpening my skills and developing new ones. A few months ago, a friend of mine suggested I make images with writing on them and I thought I couldn’t do it, but then I found canva and I’ve been practicing on and off ever since (head over to my instagram to see my newest designs).

6. I love how tolerant I am to pain. I live with chronic pain, from migraines to knee pain to muscle spasms to bloating… Sometimes it’s a bad thing because I push myself too hard, but I imagine if I wasn’t tolerant to pain, I’d be bedridden half the time.

7. I love my fashion sense. I’m not much into fashion but I do like how I dress, even though some people don’t like it but I dress simply and casually but neatly and modestly and I like my choice of colors.

I got stuck here and I started asking my husband and son what they loved about me but they got nothing 😂 (shows how much they love me)

8. I love how I am caring and empathetic to people and what they go through. (got this from Google but it’s true)

9. I love how I get out of bed everyday and get things done, no matter how I’m feeling. (also help from Google but it’s true)

10. I love how I’m able to be strong in difficult situations like in someone’s death or illness. (I fall apart for the smallest reasons but I’m a rock with the big stuff) (I also kind of had some help from Google but it is true)

Ok, your turn

Write 10 things you love about yourself in the comments below, or on your phone or in your journal.

To my son on his 6th birthday

Dear son,

My sunshine ☀

Happy birthday! I tried to make your birthday special…

I made you pancakes 🥞 your favorite breakfast
I got you a lion 🦁 your favorite animal

I took you out. You got a haircut, then threw a tantrum because your hair didn’t look like your cousin’s hair. I had a talk with you about wanting to copy your cousins all the time. I told you it was a sign of weak personality and low self confidence. I told you I love you and I want you to love yourself just the way you are because you are unique and amazing. You didn’t believe me.

Son, I hope I didn’t break your spirit with all my rules and perfectionism. I hope I didn’t make you believe you weren’t enough.

In the middle of your tantrums, I always make sure to let you know that I love you, no matter how unlovable you act.

I try so hard to get you to eat because I want you to grow, because I’m afraid of what will happen if I stop pushing you to eat. Maybe you’ll eat on your own. Maybe my pressurizing you about being too thin has gotten to your head. I hope not. You’re so handsome, and everyone who has ever laid eyes on you can testify to that.

I’m afraid I may have not loved you unconditionally with my actions, even when I said I did with my words.

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe I’m being too hard on you. Making you eat. Making you study. Trying to get you to sleep early (mostly failing). Limiting your screentime to less than 2 hours a day. Not letting you make too much of a mess.

I don’t know if it shows, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just figuring it out as I go. I have made so many mistakes by you, and I still beat myself up over them. There are voices in my head that tell me I’m not fit to be a mother, that I should just run away, that I will traumatize you just like my parents traumatized me, that you will hate yourself just like I hate myself, that you will develop social anxiety just like me. Oh God, I hope not!

Here’s the thing, son.

I want you to be assertive, but I’m not assertive. I want you to be kind and helpful like I used to be but without being naive. I’m working on being more assertive and practicing self love, for myself and for you, so I can lead by example. I hope you become a leader someday.

As you get older, studies will get harder, some people will be mean to you. People will tell you that you can’t do something, that you shouldn’t even try, and I want you to have the self confidence to believe in yourself and say Yes I Can!

I’m too critical of you. I can’t help it, but I also tell you that I’m proud of you a lot. Today, you filled my heart with joy and pride. You drove me crazy at lunchtime and my parents had to collectively calm me down, but other than that, I just kept raving about you.

I know you’re really secretive and you don’t like anyone to know your bussiness, but I hope you don’t mind me telling my family how proud I was that you made your own bed and brushed your own hair and got dressed on your own today. Today you walked with confidence in yourself. I could see it in your posture. That was until you got a haircut, which may I add was adorable, and hated it because you didn’t look like your cousin. I hope I was able to convince you to love your hair, because you told me that you wanted to grow it a bit but not too long.

I hope you enjoyed your birthday. It seemed like you did. I love how you told me over and over how much you loved your new stuffed animal. You named him Liony.

I think you are cute and smart. Sometimes you act so maturely, I firget you’re just a kid. Several times a day, you do something that shows me that I am doing a good job. But my anxious mind tends to zoom in on my fails not my wins.

Forgive me for all the times I wasn’t a good role model. I will do better. I will be better. If you grow up to be assertive, kind, confident, and resilient, then I did my job.

I hope you realize how awesome you are. You give me purpose. I hope you find your purpose one day. I hope you follow your heart but take your mind with you. I wish a long healthy life. I hope you become one of those people who walk into a room and instantly raise the vibration in the room. I hope you leave people happier than you met them. I hope you stay true to yourself and not try too hard to fit in.

Last but not least, I hope you stay a kid for as long as possible, because adulting sucks.


Your mom

All you need is LOVE!

Hello 👋 reader and welcome to my blog! Thank you so much for tuning in to read about my thoughts and feelings and my ideas about the world.

If you’re familiar with my blogs, you’d notice I’m into psychology and everything about the self (self care, self improvement, self love, self reflection) and so today I have come to an important realization.

I have come to this realization time and time again but as humans do, I tend to forget and pine after what I don’t have and forget to apreciate what I do have.

What I have noticed today after interacting with a few friends and my sister is that I felt loved. I don’t feel this everyday. My mood fluctuates a lot and sometimes throughout the day. For example, I got angry several times today, even enraged a couple of times. But right now, I just feel loved. I don’t know how else to describe it.

That brought me to the realization that all we need and all we ever needed was love. To love and be loved.

Whether you’re a sibling or parent or child or friend, all you need is LOVE.

I know it sounds corny, but hear me out. No matter how much money you have or how many things you buy or how much entertainment you fill your time with, it all comes down to who you love in your life and who loves you.

Rich or poor, married or single, old or young, we all need someone to care for, and someone who will care for us. In the end, we are only truly happy when we have someone who laughs at our jokes, listens to our stories, reassures us that we’re not crazy when we talk about our pain.

Even children, I’ve read about it so many times, don’t need elaborate parties and toys. They need someone to sit with them and tell them that they love the way they draw and love them no matter what.

In this world, the miserable people are the ones who need the most love but don’t know how to ask for it, and the unhappy people are the ones who truly and utterly feel ALONE.

So in this holiday season, though I don’t celebrate Christmas, I wish everyone happiness, health and togetherness. I hope you are all giving and receiving tenderness, love and care from your families and friends.

May your holidays be filled with LOVE!

Go ahead and spread kindness like confetti 🎊

Traumatized (a poem)

I’m not immune to heartbreak

And disappointment

It’s not beneath me to cry

But lately it’s like an earthquake

The ground beneath me cracked open

And I don’t want to lie

But it feels like my heart is heavy

And my body is weak

The bubble I’ve been hiding in

Has burst, so to speak

But even though the world is crashing down

And it seems like the tunnel has gotten longer

There’s light within me somehow

But I wish it was shining stronger

And I can’t seem to sleep at night

Worry etches in my mind

I keep fearing if I die

Will I make it to paradise?

Because I’ve been far from perfect

And as a human I know I’m worth it

But I still think I’m traumatized

And I think I just realized

That my thirst for affection

Need for attention

Stems from the lack thereof

Back when I was so young

And even though I think I’m healing

And I’m learning how to cope

These circumstances have been revealing

How much I feel hurt

I feel like I must be perfect

In order to deserve love

And I know it’s not worth it

But it’s all I can think of

I realize people love me

And I realize people care

But I’m waiting on those to love me

Those who were rarely emotionally there

Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect

It all comes down to self love

Did you ever notice that in all the self help books and the self improvement tips, they always mention something that is related to self love, self care, whether it’s positive affirmations to help yourself think positively about yourself and believe in your abilities, or if it’s getting enough sleep and exercise and eating healthy so you can feel better about yourself?

It’s normal to feel down when you’ve had a bad day, or to cry when a loved one passes away and feel sad when a loved one is sick. It’s normal to feel groggy when you’re sick or angry when someone does you wrong. Emotions are very natural and human.

However, if you are always feeling sad and cry a lot or if you’re always feeling angry and triggered by the smallest things, the underlying reason could either be that you’re not taking enough care of yourself when it comes to exercising and sleeping well and drinking enough water and eating healthy. Or it could be that you have a low opinion of yourself, consciously or subconsciously.

Depressed people are usually aware that they don’t love themselves as much as they should. The problem is that they don’t feel worthy of that love. They feel like they need to earn love for themselves, once they get rid of certain flaws or achieve certain success.

For me, I used to hate myself. I still don’t like myself sometimes. When I stay up late or stress eat or tell myself things like “I’m a terrible mom or wife”, I’m not doing myself any acts of self love.

That’s why self care is so important. Self care are acts of care towards myself that will reinforce self love. When you love someone, don’t you tell them sweet things, buy them gifts, spend time with them and hug them.

You need to express love to yourself 1st in order to be able to give love to others properly.

If you find yourself seeking validation from others, or lashing out at other people, you need to check with yourself, which acts of self care are you neglecting? Make time for them.

I know you want to binge watch that tv show, but you need your beauty sleep or you will be acting like a zombie or godzilla the next day. This is just an example. I’m calling myself out here.

I exercised today, but I also ate 1/2 piece of cake and 2 brownies. But I also read a book, so almost balanced? Oh, I had an apple so I’m good. Still, I feel like I need to do something self care. Maybe I’ll watch a movie when my son is done with his online classes. 3 down, 2 more to go. It’s really not that bad. I just have a knot in my neck and it’s killing me. Maybe I’ll eat a peach to make up for the 2nd brownie.

What do you do when you’re running low on self love?

Live wholeheartedly

I did that today, and I’m proud of myself. I just relaxed and spent time with my family. Let things flow. This is rare for me, with my anxiety. My brain tells me nobody loves me, but today I felt loved. I still find it hard to believe when someone does something nice for me without expecting anything in return. In this day and age, it feels strange, especially when these gestures come from someone who is normally so calculated. I feel like I have become a bit calculated, as a protective mechanism. Not today, though.

A motto to live by. I hope I can live up to it. It’s hard, being human. We all make mistakes. Be forgiving ao others can firgive you.

For me it is writing.

I usually go on my phone for 6 to 7 hours a day. Today just 2 hours. Don’t waste your time comparing your life to that of others, wishing you had what they have, wishing you could go to the places they go to and do the things that they do. I do that sometimes, quite a lot lately. But today, I decided to celebrate what I had, and I realized I had a lot. I have people who rejoice at my company, which I find weird because I don’t think I’m good company, at least not when I’m in a bad mood. Today I was in a good mood. Here’s to more good moods. Good night. I’m sleepy at 8pm. Let the bedtime routine begin.

We all express our emotions differently

I’ve always been told I was too sensitive, too open. I express my emotions openly and I always understand how I feel, even when I don’t know why I feel that way.

For years I was made to be ashamed of my emotions, not by my parents, but by my classmates. At university, I learned to bottle up my emotions, but that didn’t work out, because I would just explode.

When I started writing, my poems and then my blogs years later, it helped a lot. It’s a way to express my emotions without people freaking out or making me feel like I’m a burden for venting or getting uncomfortable because I’m acting crazy.

For years I thought my emotions were a weakness, but I realized recently that it’s actually a superpower. Many people don’t know how to express their feelings, so they numb themselves or distract themselves. Some people don’t even know how they feel half the time. They would be in a bad mood and not even try to understand which emotion they are feeling in order to accept it and let it go. Some people get really uncomfortable when I’m in my extreme end of emotions and they don’t know how to act.

For example, when my son is acting out, I know when to give him space and when to give him a hug. Yesterday he woke up in a bad mood, and when I tried to speak to him normally, he only acted out more. When I suggested a hug, at 1st he resisted, then when I insisted that I was the one who needed the hug, he caved. Afterwards, I asked him “do you feel better now?” he agreef and I said “a hug makes you feel better”.

I think this is important to teach kids. To recognize their emotions and learn what soothes them from a young age. Many adults who haven’t been taught this grow up to be emotionally handicapped.

However, with every superpower, there is an Achilles heel. Mine is my inability to hold back on my emotions when it’s too much for the person in front of me, or when it’s the wrong time and wrong place to express myself.

With me, you get the whole range of emotions, and you get it all. When I love, it’s with every piece of my heart, and when I’m angry, boy you’d better watch out. See I was allowed to express myself freely as a child but I was never taught self regulation. I never learned how to calm myself down. I’m learning that now. It’s a long process and it will take a lot of time.

In the meantime, it helps to remember 3 things:

  1. My loved ones are not hurting me on purpose. We are just having communication issues or conflicts of interest.
  2. Not everyone loves like I do, so I must accept whatever gesture of love I recieve from my loved ones, even if, to me, it seems half hearted, but to them, they were reaching out.
  3. When I’m upset, and the person I’m mad at doesn’t come and apologize on their own, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It could mean they feel uncomfortable with extreme emotions and are waiting for me to calm myself down first.

Are you a highly emotional person? Or are you uncomfortable around emotional people?