Poetry Friday: My mental states of being

The sun is shining outside

I have so much good in my life

I’m grateful for all the love I have

Grounded by peace inside

No moles infesting my mind

I’m mindful of everything I do

Then suddenly

A switch goes off inside of me

And then I feel so blue

It’s like a bad dream

Like someone turned out all the lights

And all I see are blurry hues

I start to count all of my failures

And all the things I could do more

The things I find no time for

The things I feel are like a chore

I start comparing my results

To those who I deem successful

And suddenly I feel so burnt out

And I think I’m such a failure

So I take out my metaphorical whip

The one I use to lash myself

For not having as much success

For not having enough happiness

And I start to complain

Then look for ways to numb my brain

And I look around at who’s to blame

And I resent them for everything

It’s so exhausting to be like this

One moment everything is bliss

Then suddenly I’m panicking

My heart feels so heavy

Some days I drag myself out of bed

And hate myself for being sad

Then anger takes me to the edge

Before I go back to my present state

It’s hard to tell who I am

Am I the mindful grateful human being?

Or am I the raging weeping machine?

Which one of them is the real me?

I can never tell

I can read self-help books all I want

Chant affirmations and whatnot

But unless I find the reason why

I jump so often in between

All these mental states of being

I will never truly heal

So my goal is not to chase happiness

But to find the meaning in the pain

And to stop waiting for circumstances

To change for me to change

Storytime: When will this pandemic end?

Hello and welcome to my blog!

So I tried this themed thing and I think it has pulled the plug on my creativity and originality and spontaneity.

My impulsive nature is a bad thing when it comes to problem solving and conflict resolution, but it comes in handy when I’m writing.

I wanted to get this post out there before midnight so I’d have posted it on Wednesday, so I’m just going to type until almost midnight and click publish and I’ll edit and add the tags and categories afterwards.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted, but I just had to get in 1 more episode. I watched 5 episodes of gilmore girls today. I do that when my brain can’t stop spinning. It’s my escapism.

I was supposed to be reading blogs but my head was about to explode. Lebanon is a mess right now and my husband is a worrier on good day. The more he worries, the more he goes into his cave, the move I try to reach out, the more he pulls away.

When will this pandemic end?

I’m trying to make myself happy with my books (I’m trying to read but it’s so hard with a 6 year old at home) and my tv shows and meditation and exercise but I need out. I need to go and see the waves. I need to see the snow. I need to smell the flowers.

This pandemic sucks. I’m really trying to be positive but seeing my husband devastated over the economic situation and not having anyone to talk about it to is awful. I vaguely remember having friends. Where have they gone? Complaining or venting doesn’t help anymore so I withdraw.

I had a friend I would call every Friday and talk for 2 hours. She’s too busy to even text me. My sister used to call everyday, but now she’s too busy. I had a best friend but now she’s busy with her new job and her new friends. Everyone else I know is either too sad to talk or too busy.

Am I doing this wrong? Am I supposed to keep myself so busy I don’t have time to talk to anyone? Am I not supposed to have the urge to call or text anyone? Am I not supposed to crave human connection?

When will this pandemic end?

I’ve been spending a lot more time with my son. For a long time, I struggled to spend 10 minutes of uninterrupted time with him. Now I spend up to 3 hours of quality time with him, playing ludo, uno, scrabble, pretend play, arts and crafts, and storytime. But then I feel the need to pull away and I start yelling at him when he wants more quality time because I need alone time or adult time and I’m not getting adult time.

My husband is withdrawn on himself (not all the time if I’m being fair, he has moments of normalcy where he is my dear loving husband or when he plays with our son but they’re rare and far in between) and I see my family once a week and I haven’t seen friends in a year, except for 1 friend whose phone is ruined and can’t converse with me on a regular basis.

It’s midnight. This was a good vent. I’m open to suggestions and validation and whatever thoughts you had while reading this.

Good night

Poetry Friday: Pockets of sunshine

Hello and welcome to my blog! I’m feeling extremely happy this morning. I don’t know how to explain it (the poem below explains my feelings), but I felt this way yesterday too.

I played Ludo and Uno with my son several times yesterday and just admired how he talks and plays and I let go of the neurotic side of me for a bit and I was so happy. Then the moment I tried to read blogs, my son switched to annoying mode and the happiness was gone. Then someone else ruined my mood further and I sulked the evening away.

I even woke up at dawn crabby and went back to bed, not wanting to be productive. Then I woke up at 8am, in a bad mood, but 5 minutes later, my son woke up and he was in a really good mood because he saw what was for breakfast and was so happy for the surprise, so he said.

This instantly put me in a good mood and I’ve been in a good mood ever since. My birds are tweeting. I had my coffee and enjoyed it. I feel like I’ve never been happier.

That’s how it is with me. When I’m happy, I’m on top of the world, and when I’m sad, I’m in the trenches. I know something or someone may come along at any moment and spoil my mood, but I’m riding this high for 2 hours and counting. I was even in such a good mood that I drew my son an astronaut and a rocket (if you’ve read my previous blogs, you know how much I don’t enjoy drawing).

I am only sharing my happiness here on the blog because you are my safe space. The situation in Lebanon is worsening but right now, I’m safe at home, with my adorable son, and I will enjoy this feeling for as long as I can. It’ll probably end when I have to convince my son to finish his breakfast (he eats in intervals) and to do his homework (he hates homework).

Pockets of sunshine

I got pockets of sunshine
Up my sleeve
I use them when I try
To be happy

When I’m living in the moment
And my heart feels so full
I just slow down and own it
Because it feels so good

Don’t feel the need to share
I’m living without a care
For a minute or two
Because pretty soon

I’ll be wrapped up in anxiety
And weighed down by depression
My thoughts will get the best of me
And they’ll come out in aggression

So when I have a moment of joy
With myself, my husband or boy
I will keep it to myself
Won’t tell anybody else

Nobody needs to know
When I heal, I grow
I can count on my fingers the times I didn’t feel inferior
These pockets of sunshine are ethereal*

I gaurd them with my heart, try to lock them with a key
But like a butterfly, they tend to come and go
So I cherish every moment as they come to me
Embracing all the highs and treading** through the lows

  • *ethereal means extremely delicate and light in a way that seems not to be of this world.
    ** treading means walking on or along.

I hope you enjoyed this poem. Another poem will be posted tonight (I wrote it a few days ago and scheduled it for tonight) so stay tuned.

Click here to read more of my poems.

Repost: Wants and needs

I’m stuck in between What i want and what i need It’s the story of my life How i make myself bleed I need social connection But i wanna be left alone I need to go out and breathe fresh air But i wanna stay right at home I wanna be carefree But i need […]

Wants and needs

Some poems never age. As much as I’ve matured since I wrote this, sometimes I still feel the same way.

By the way, I wrote a book explaining the difference between wants and needs and how to differientiate between them. You can buy it here as a kindle copy or here as a paperback.

If you liked this post, you can find my more recent posts here:

I’m in a moody mood

I don’t know if this happens to you too but I get very moody. I’m not bipolar but I do have anxiety and this has been a tough year on everyone. We are all going through misfortune in one way or another.

Anyway, I’m reading “The 7 habits of highly effective people” and I know it won’t solve my problems but it is making sense of a lot of things I didn’t understand before. I spoke in my blogs before about being proactive, which is habit 1, and how I’m trying to be that instead of being reactive. Then I talked about finding your center, which is in habit 2 “beginning with the end in mind”. I’m still reading chapter 2 (it’s really big) and I read about the whole brain theory (coming soon on the blog) and personal mission statements (also coming soon on the blog) but the one thing I couldn’t shake off is that ever since I began that chapter, I’ve been thinking about death.

As a Muslim, I’m supposed to remind myself of death periodically so as to keep my purpose in mind, but in all honesty, I try not to.

Since COVID-19 started, several people I know or my in laws know died, and some of them from COVID-19. The isolation and deaths that this pandemic has caused have created a sort of detachment from death. It’s like people die and we feel nothing anymore. It’s really sad how detached we have become.

So anyway, ever since I began this chapter, which began with “imagine yourself on your deathbed” and I can’t bring myself to imagine.

I could imagine myself in the hospital and it makes me sick to my stomach. But dying? It depresses me to begin to think about it. The purpose of this exercise was to assess if you have achieved all you wanted in life, but all I could think about were 2 things: would I go to heaven? And how would my husband and son survive if anything happened to me?

I need bone surgery in my left big toe and a surgery for the polyps in my nose but I haven’t done them yet because my son can’t handle being away from me for 2 days while I go to the hospital, let alone the time it will take for me to recover.

And yet I can’t stop thinking about it. I know my life isn’t meaningless, but I do know that I need to volunteer or something, but COVID-19 has made that difficult. These difficult times have made me selfish with my time and energy. I don’t know who I’ll be when COVID-19 is finally over.

Am I making any sense? Is this my anxiety talking?

Good night 😴 I’m mentally exhausted from overthinking.