Storytime: I learned something about myself today

Hello and welcome to my blog! I’ve been up since 4 am so I’m exhausted (it’s half past noon) and bored (I was supposed to have breakfast with my family but it didn’t work out so I’m waiting for lunchtime). At the moment, my 6-year-old is pouting in another room and it’s killing me, even though I did nothing wrong!

Here is what happened:

I woke him up at 9 am and made him chocolate spread sandwich after he went to the bathroom. Then as soon as he finished his sandwich, he asked for screentime. I told him not now, even though he has become accustomed to get his screentime right after his meal (that’s usually when he has to eat something other than chocolate) unless he has homework. He doesn’t fuss when it’s chocolate and honestly I offer chocolate more times than I care to admit, just because I don’t feel like going into war because he refuses to eat.

I reasoned that he just woke up and didn’t play with his toys yet or do anything creative, and me having been up for hours, didn’t feel like doing anything but go on my phone.

I was coloring on HappyColor.

Anyway, he left me alone to eat my oatmeal while I colored but called me soon after but I couldn’t hear him because the washing machine was too loud. I heard one of his calls and rushed over, to find he was in the bathroom waiting for me to rinse him (he knows how to but is disgusted of his own filth and, choosing my battles, I decided to let this play on but focus more on making him brush his teeth on his own).

The moment he saw me, he started yelling at me and speaking to me disrespectfully. One thing you may not know is that my 6 years old can be an angel, but he has a problem with authority. He treats me as if I’m his little sister, not his mom, and sometimes I let it slide even when I shouldn’t because I’m either tired or in a bad mood and don’t want to snap.

Today, though, I was assertive. I told him that if he wants me to rinse him, he must ask nicely. Otherwise, he will have to rinse himself. He started screaming and trying to hit me. I kept leaving the bathroom, giving him a minute to calm down, then come back and try again. My efforts only seemed to infuriate him further and after what seemed like 20 minutes, I told him that either he asks nicely or I’m going to have to rinse him but he doesn’t get screentime all day today. That didn’t work, so I picked him up and rinsed him and now I’m trying to follow through.

This happened 3 hours ago and he is still sulking and I kept coming to him and trying to calm him down and coax him into apologizing but he refused. At the end, I said let’s make up and he said fiiiine as if he was doing me a favor. Afterward, he said, “don’t I get screentime because we made up?”. I said no. You shouldn’t be rewarded for making up with your mom, and you didn’t even apologize. I noticed that I kept getting the urge to go hug him and give him whatever he wants, just to see him smile, but I resisted that urge.

I realized I was people-pleasing my son, which is why he doesn’t respect me. He expects me to come to him and give him what he wants because I always do. Even when I don’t at 1st, I eventually crack.

Right now he is sulking. He isn’t crying or screaming or throwing a tantrum or breaking things or hurting himself and when I keep trying to make his mood better, I’m sending the message that he’s not allowed to be anything but happy, and I don’t want to do that.

I did nothing wrong. He needs to learn respect. I’m not ignoring him. I just won’t give him screentime today.

I just hope that he learns his lesson.

Storytime: I can’t seem to turn my mind off

I’ve been binge-watching The Good Doctor all day today. In between episodes, I did some housework, played ludo with my son, drew a superhero for my son, took my son to and from summer camp (I was annoyed from the woman in charge because yesterday I didn’t bring him a snack because he told me he didn’t want one and she pointed out to me that everyone was eating but him, so today she made a comment in front of everyone, embarrassing me, saying “good you got your son a snack today”. I mean I know I made a mistake, but was it really necessary to embarrass me like that?!)

Anyway, besides seething about that, I can’t seem to turn my mind off. I keep remembering what I found out today, and everytime, my gut wrenches and my heart gets heavier. How do other people let things go? I wish I hadn’t found out. Indeed, what you don’t know can’t hurt you. I feel so hurt right now, and I feel like I deserve it.

I keep praying for God to forgive both of us for our shortcomings and protect us from temptation and heal our trauma and help us improve ourselves so we can be better people and so we can be better suited for one another. We have nothing in common. Love is all we have. My anxiety is through the roof and I’m dreading the future.

I was already going through a bout of depression for the past month or so, but now anxiety is in the mix and it’s all a bit too much.

Maybe I should go back to reading from Men are from Mars. I stopped reading it a while ago.

For now, I will eat ice cream with my son, then give him the phone to play an educational game while I binge watch more. The show isn’t a total waste of time as I’m learning a lot from it about dealing with social situations.

Update: I talked to a trusted friend and she helped me see I was overreacting and gave me great advice. I feel much better now.

Storytime: what you don’t know can’t hurt you

I have trust issues. I can’t talk about them in detail, but they lead me to do things I’m not proud of and that bring no good to anyone.

Have you ever heard the phrase: what you don’t know, can’t hurt you? It’s so true. I was curious about something. So I had a doubt that crept into my mind this morning, and I was curious to check if my doubt was true or not. Turns out that doubt was false, but I stumbled upon something that hurt me and I can’t do anything about it because then I would have to explain how I know.

Do you know what’s worse? I feel like I deserve it, because I haven’t been perfect either, and now I’m being punished for my mistakes.

I have more doubts, but I’m not going to go down the rabbit hole of checking if I’m right or wrong. I would rather be blissfully ignorant than proven right. Just the thought gives me physical pain and heartache. In the meantime, I’ll keep working on my trust issues and not give in to the temptation of doubt. I will care and love and hope for the best.

Storytime: I’m so tired

Hello everyone! I thought today was Wednesday until I checked my calendar at 6 pm. Then I was shocked to see that not only was today Thursday, and I didn’t post the throwback Thursday post, but it was also July 1st, my sisters birthday and the beginning of new months.

I love new months, usually, but not today. Today I’m so tired. Today I woke up wanting to go back to sleep, and after doing some housework, I spent hours trying to go back to sleep.

I wasn’t even able to nap, and I’m still so tired. I think I may be going through a bout of depression, and I’m pushing myself as much as I can because I have responsibilities, but truth be told, I’m tired, and I need a break. I need a weekend getaway, by myself, and I know I’ll never get it.

Even Grammarly sent me an email congratulating me on using the app a lot, but they noticed my tone has been gloomy and confused lately.

As for my wrapping up of June goals, the stats are incomplete. I started to calculate last week’s stats then got busy, tired, bored, hopeless, or whatever the reason I didn’t finish it was.

I wrote my to-do list today, as soon as I woke up actually, but got only half of them done. To me, that’s an epic fail. I rarely ever get less than 80% done. Not to mention my antisocial behavior today because I was so tired. Three family members called me while I was trying to nap and one called me while I was trying to eat. I was even supposed to visit my grandma today and I didn’t go. There was no one to take me anyway.

I’m just tired. I want to sleep for a week or so. Wake me up when it’s all over. I’m writing this post as I’m trying to get my 6-year-old ready for bed. For some reason, he can’t brush his teeth without soaking all his clothes in water. It’s so frustrating.

See this is why I avoid socializing when I’m tired. My filter turns off and I just say everything that comes to mind. I was supposed to post a throwback Thursday at 8 pm, and it’s almost 10.

Don’t get me wrong. I love blogging. I love connecting with you all. I’m just really tired. I’m not even complaining about my migraines and leg pain and bloating and knee pain and neck and shoulder spasms.

I’m tired. I’m all kinds of tired. Physically, emotionally and mentally.

But I’m so grateful for everything I have, starting with the ability to be a stay-at-home mom. Or am I a work from home mom now? Does publishing books, having a podcast, and blogging (even though the blogging part is free) count as work?

I just calculated last weeks goals assessment, and my physical goals are up 7%, while my spiritual goals are down 10%

I got to go deal with my son, who is throwing a tantrum over a pair of shorts.

Storytime: It’s nice and peaceful out here

Hello and welcome to my blog! How are you doing today? I wanted to post yesterday but I had a very busy day. My sister came over with her 2 hyperactive kids and it was overwhelming for me. I got a migraine. I love my sister, nephew, and niece, but kids can be loud and obnoxious. I couldn’t hear myself think and I ended up sleeping at 11 pm which was reasonable, but my brain shut down long before then.

Today is a new day, and I just watched the sunrise.

It’s nice and peaceful out here…

They have been turning off the generator more often lately. For months they were turning it off 4 hours a day, now it’s 8 hours. That’s because the government is giving us 1-hour of electricity every 24 hours, and the private generators we have to pay a lot for are working overtime to give us electricity. Thus the generators must be turned off for a few hours a day to avoid breaking down.

But instead of sulking because of the deteriorating conditions regarding the electricity, I decided to seize the opportunity and go on the balcony whenever the power is out. I didn’t use to go on the balcony, but I have come to enjoy the fresh air, the sunlight, the birds chirping, the peace in the early morning…and the sunrise.

The sun rose at 5:55 am. What time does the sun rise where you live?

There is a fuel shortage in Lebanon, and I have no idea what’s next for this country, but there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon. However, I’m finding peace in the things I know not to take for granted. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

I have a busy day ahead, and it should be fun, albeit a bit socially overwhelming (my introverted self would rather curl up and read a book but my “craving going out” self just wants to have fun, even if I must interact with other humans in the process). After my sister came over, I’m not in the mood for socializing, but I am in the mood for going out and experiencing nature. I’ll keep you posted, today or tomorrow, depending on how exhausted I’ll be.

For now, it’s nice and peaceful out here…

The sun is shining in my eyes, giving me a migraine, so I’m going inside, even though the power isn’t back yet.

Storytime: My son has nightmares and so do I

Hello and welcome to my blog! Yesterday my son asked me “how do I forget a nightmare?”. I told him “I don’t know. I get many nightmares, but I soon forget about them”. I almost wish I didn’t forget sometimes. They’d make a good novel. I get the weirdest dreams.

I dream of being chased, of falling from a building, of someone I know dying, or worse, being sent back to high school. My son finally opened up about his nightmares, because I told him if he talks about it and sees how unrealistic they are, they lose their power. I explained to him that the fear he feels during his nightmares, even when he remembers them while he is wide awake, the fear is very real. He said he has been having 2 recurrent nightmares. One of falling down the stairs only to be faced by an evil tiger, and another of being chased by an evil skeleton with headphones on. I’m interested to know the psychology behind the dreams.

I know my son is affected by what is going on in Lebanon, even if it’s just indirectly by seeing his dad in a bad mood most of the time or being isolated from other kids. I know all kids and adults in Lebanon are being affected mentally by what is going on here, myself included, but my son hasn’t trained himself in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) for years as I did, but yet I fear he may be predisposed to anxiety like me and I want to help prevent that if I can. On the other hand, kids have nightmares. It doesn’t mean anything, right?

So my son gets nightmares.

So do I.

Are nightmares genetic?

What causes nightmares?

Let’s find out!

Nightmares are vivid, extended and extremely dysphoric dreams that awaken the dreamer. Twin studies indicate that nightmare frequency has a heritability between 36 and 51% providing evidence for genetic factors underlying predisposition to nightmares.

https://www.biorxiv.org/content/10.1101/836452v1

Oh boy. I hope my son doesn’t inherit my anxiety like he inherited my nightmares. Or hopefully he will grow out of the nightmares.

I actually follow a child therapist on Instagram who wrote a children book about nightmares called The dream director. I wish I could buy the book but with the dollar vs lira rate being 15, and shipment prices really expensive, I can’t order anything online.

So what lessens nightmares?

I don’t know, but I know eating sugar before bed makes your sleep lighter, and screens before bed are bad, so maybe trying to have a healthier sleep (which I don’t) should help?

Any suggestions?

Throwback Thursday: Worrying about the future

Hello and welcome to my blog! We’re almost halfway through 2021 and the pandemic isn’t over yet, but we have bigger problems here in Lebanon.

Lebanon today is reeling from a crushing economic crisis that pushed more than half its population into poverty. On top of having to cope with a local currency that has lost more than 85 percent of its value in just over a year, people also struggle to afford basic food items that have become 400 percent more expensive.

https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2021/5/24/little-hope-left-lebanons-paralysis-and-a-collapsing-state

That’s why it was suitable

to find that a year ago, I wrote a post about worrying about the future. Oddly enough, I’m not worried about the prices and being able to buy necessities. That’s for my husband to worry about.

I’m worried about the effect the situation has on my husband’s mood, which in turn affects my marriage.

I’m worried about how I’m going to keep my anxiety and depression in check when I’m not getting much me-time or going out.

I’m worried about my mental health and how it’s affecting my physical health.

I’m worried about the effect of my son staying long hours at home with no playmates.

I’m worried about not being able to visit my family every Saturday because of the fuel shortages.

I’m worried about not being able to work on my blog and my books if the motor in our building shuts down. Nevertheless, I’m reading and trying to find ways to deal with the worry, and the best way I found is to practice mindfulness and gratitude.

A year ago I wrote:

Worrying about the future

“I don’t want to turn 6 years old!”

That’s what my 5-year-old son announced to me the other day, and when I asked him why he said “because I don’t want my teeth to start falling”.

He is now six and has lost 2 teeth and was very excited to lose more but for some reason never did.

It fascinates me and freaks me out that my son is thinking a lot about his future. He wants to be a policeman (I hope he changes his mind) and he tells me to keep the clothes that are small on him for his kids. He wonders what being an adult is like, and when he asks too many questions, I tell him “just think about reaching 6 years old. Eat, sleep, and pray, and don’t think about anything else”.

He currently wants to be a zookeeper but for dinosaurs. He isn’t convinced they are extinct.

The reason why I say this is because my son worries so much about the future, I feel like he is missing out on the now. Where have the times gone when our kids could just play freely without worrying what job they’re going to have and how they’re going to get enough money to feed a family?

I’ve been worrying about the future a lot lately. The future seems bleak, especially in Lebanon. But that’s my job, to worry. My son’s job is to have fun and be carefree.

Two things come to mind when I think about this situation:

The 1st is a poem I adore “I want to be six again”.

I want to be six again.
I want to go to McDonald’s and think it’s the best place in the world
to eat.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves
with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money ’cause you can eat
them.
I want to play kickball during recess.

From the poem “I want to be six again”

My son doesn’t want to turn six because he is afraid of his teeth falling. I think this whole not going to school is taking a toll on him. He is spending a lot of time with a parent who has anxiety and another who is constantly worried and deep in thought. It’s hard to be carefree when the overall mood is as if someone died.

The mood is still the same most of the time. I tend to hide from my family to be on my phone peacefully. The difference is I think I have a better grip on my mental health than I did last year.

I feel like I lost my smile. I used to be so perky and joyful. The book I just finished reading had a father who was too carefree, bordering on carelessness. There was a mom who was always worried about what might go wrong, so uptight and busy and tired all the time. It’s sad but I saw myself in her. Then there was the grandma, who was a ray of sunshine. I saw my late grandma in her, may she rest in peace.

I’m currently reading 100 simple secrets of happiness, but it’s taking me forever because the one I have was translated into Arabic.

I played scrabble and uno yesterday, but even while playing, I noticed I’m somewhat on edge and serious. I’ll try to loosen up more, for the sake of my son. He seems to be freaking out all the time lately, worried and scared. I wish I could distance him from me and get him in contact with a happy soul. I’m not in despair, but I feel not so optimistic, and somewhat numb.

We played monopoly yesterday. My son has been occupied with arts and crafts for hours lately, but once he gets bored, he becomes very annoying. I’m trying not to get annoyed by him, but to be mindful instead.

Another thing that comes to mind is a poem I wrote a long time ago. I think I called it “Give me the heart of a child”.

You can find this poem in my 2nd poetry book “Heart on my sleeve and other poems”.

I used to be just afraid of the dark

I’d ask my mom to keep the lights on

Afraid I’d fall off the swing in the park

I’d clench both fists and hold tight on

But now I’m afraid of bigger things

Like heartbreaks, earthquakes, poverty

Growing old with no one taking care of me

…

Give me the heart of a child

And I’ll live my life like a man

I’ll love my life like a child

Enjoying it while I can

…

From “Give me the heart of a child”

So I spend my days writing to-do lists, seeing family, doing some housework, procrastinating other housework, watching The Vampire Diaries, sometimes exercising, sometimes reading. I’m practicing The art of getting by. If you didn’t watch the movie, you should. I think there’s a book too, but I haven’t read it.

Last night, my son was really worried he’d be bit by a mosquito in his sleep. He was terrified. I told him “You need to have faith that God will protect you and that nothing can harm you unless God wills it to”. Maybe I should internalize my advice. I’m good at giving advice but terrible at following my own words.

Are you worried about the future?What are you doing to cope?

A strategy I use when I’m worried about something. The 1st part is to imagine the worst-case scenario, then make a plan on what you will do if the worst were to occur. Finally, imagine the best case scenario and hope for that.

Parenting hacks: When out in public

Hello and welcome to my blog! So yesterday I went to that picnic I was freaking out about, and it went fine. There were positive and negative aspects to the outing. I will list them below.

On the plus side,

The weather was awesome. It was warm with a cool breeze.

The food was great. Everyone brought something with them and there was cake and so many sweets!

I got to watch the sun set and it was so zen

I got to socialize a lot and the people I socialized with we’re so sweet.

I was able to keep my cool for 9 hours, which is a record for me, especially since by 4 pm my son was driving me crazy. I did quietly threaten him several times and I ended up deleting 4 of his games on my phone, but on the outside, I didn’t yell and scream, to the extent that they started telling me “wow you’re so calm and peaceful”.

I walked 12,311 steps! This was just me chasing after my son, but I clocked it in as a workout.

My son met another kid there (one of the teachers kids) and they synced within 5 minutes. They were playing like best friends the whole time. It was adorable. I was worried he would stay glued to me the whole time. I’m glad he found someone his age to play with.

On the down side,

As I already mentioned, my son drove me crazy and I had to chase after him the whole time. I tried not to be a helicopter parent but I needed him at least within eye range and he kept disappearing around the corners. I was afraid he would get kidnapped. He also kept climbing rocks and I was afraid he would fall and hurt himself. He actually fell and skinned his knee and also slipped and bruised his back between the shoulder blades and also something stung him right under his eye.

The socializing was a bit overwhelming, not in the sense that the people were overwhelming, but because it was hard for me to keep a cheery appearance when my son was making me want to scream.

I was so physically exhausted by the end of the day, I couldn’t deal with my son’s tantrums when we got home, and I also woke up today with a migraine.

Having as much fun as I did yesterday, it was a bummer to have my level of dopamine drop today. I had fun at my mom’s but it’s no picnic in nature. It’s a different kind of fun. I played scrabble with mom and we had ice cream and one of my favorite meals (lubya) for lunch.

In conclusion,

The parenting hack I used is I agreed upon the punishment of him giving me a hard time (deleting games) and the reward for good behavior (gummy candies) before we left and I kept reminding him of it while we were there.

The key is to deliver. I ended up deleting 4 games. I re-downloaded them today and I also gave him gummy candies last night right after we got home. However, the moment his dad came home, he started acting out because he didn’t want to go to bed.

I’m trying to get over this punishment vs reward method but it’s not working. I’m going to be real with you. Parenting is hard and practice is harder than theory. I’m trying my best and it’s exhausting. I don’t yet have the patience to wait for him to brush his teeth for more than an hour (I usually ask nicely for an hour before I start yelling or threatening). Maybe I should read about techniques to deal with teeth brushing and going to bed issues.

Storytime: Oh how I wish I was more mindful

Hello everyone,

How are you doing?

It’s 1 am and I can’t sleep. Partly because I had a nap today and also because I’m anxious about the Friday outing. We are going to be out all day. This is exciting because, since the pandemic, my outings have become few and far in between, but also scary because I have social anxiety and I’m going with 44 other people, most of which I barely know. But also it’s nice because we are going to be amongst nature and I can’t wait to play with my son and with others (I’m a bit nervous about the latter).

I decided to find the pictures from the last and only time I went to this place 3 years ago. My in-laws went and I had to convince my husband to let me go with them because he didn’t want to go so naturally he didn’t see why I should go. Normally, my husband’s presence acts as a buffer with my mother in law but if I’m going to appease him, I’ll end up at home all day doing nothing but housework.

When we went in 2018, my sister-in-law said she had so much fun and wanted to make it a weekly outing. We never went again (my husband isn’t the only homebody in his family) and when I suggested it to my family, for some reason, they weren’t interested. None of my friends ever suggested going and so I never went again, but this Friday is my chance, and if I play my cards right, I’ll be invited to future outings as well and I’ll be able to bring my son before he becomes old enough to not want to go anywhere with me.

Looking back, I always wish I was more mindful whenever I went anywhere. I always end up yelling or getting irritated or acting neurotic, then when I look back, I wish I was more playful and in the moment. You can’t get these moments back. I mean, I can get some really good pictures from an outing, but do you know how much I complained during the trip? No, because it’s not on camera, but I remember. I will try to remember the good parts of every trip I’ve been on, especially since the pandemic began, my outings have diminished considerably.

Throwback to 2018. Hopefully, in the future, I’m more mindful.
P.s. my son doesn’t even remember going here, even after I showed him the pictures. The good news is he doesn’t remember that I was in such a mood that day because my husband refused to come with us (he’s a total homebody, which is something I wasn’t comfortable telling people before the pandemic but now apparently many people have come out as homebodies or become homebodies so it’s okay).

Storytime: Am I antisocial or just socially awkward?

Hello and welcome to my blog! I have a lot to say today. I don’t do this often anymore (storytime). I used to. Whenever I had thoughts I’d just drop them down on the blog and that’s how I processed them but now I’m trying something new by processing them on my own (AKA sleeping on it) and then maybe if I still feel like it, I put them on the blog because I know that once it’s on the blog, the internet is forever.

So here’s the thing. Yesterday, I visited my parents and right before I went, I received a message. I don’t know if I mentioned it here but I have been volunteer teaching quraan somewhere for 4 years. Basically, I do my job, I teach, and then I leave. I don’t interact with the other teachers. I don’t socialise with anyone. It’s not that I hate them nor that I don’t have any interest in getting to know them. It’s just I feel they’re very different than I am and I’m afraid of making social mistakes that will make it impossible for me to volunteer over there anymore and this belief has been brought to me from experience of people wanting to get to know me because I’m so mysterious and my life is so interesting and then once they get to know me, they get bored of me and then they leave me and this happens over and over again and I used to think that it was only in my head but then yesterday my husband said this about me.

The woman in charge of the place where I teach quraan send me a message. She said that for years once a year the teachers go out together and socialize outside of work and they have been doing this for years and she has never invited me before. This is the first time I hear of this. I had no idea that they went once a year even though I’ve been volunteer teaching there for 4 years. When she invited me, I got so excited and then I asked for some more information like can I bring my 6-year old with me and who can drive me there.

I was thinking had she invited me in the years before, I may not have been able to go when my son was younger because he would have given me a hard time and he’s 6 now and I’m still afraid that he might give me a hard time but he’s old enough for me to tell him to be on his best behaviour. I don’t know if I’m going to have to use the bribing technique but I can’t use the punishing and threatening technique in front of them.

I feel like the last time I volunteered, I was a bit more social. Just something as simple as saying hi, how are you doing, where do you live, I love these designs, I love what you did to the place,… these kind of things and I felt like they made a big difference and my compliments are really genuine. I was really trying to connect with them.

Anyway, I was really excited about the outing and I asked if I could bring my son and she said no problem and then she continued to explain to me that I’d be the only one with a kid (there’d be only one other person who has kids because the rest of the people going all 60-year olds so they’re all Grandmas) but she said that they will relax and play racket ball and just chill.

The place that they’re going to is a picnic area 20 minutes away from my house by car and I have been dying to go there for 2 years and my husband doesn’t take me anywhere (he’s a homebody) and he only takes me to the seaside (5 minutes away from my house by car) every six months. He used to take me to Turkey once a year with his entire family but because of the economic situation we can’t go to Turkey anymore. I also suggested several times to go to this place with my family and they weren’t really interested so if I don’t go with these people that I volunteer with then I won’t go at all.

I used to socialise a lot more before I got married. It’s like marriage and motherhood kind of isolated me. It also happened to be that after I got married, my friends got jobs and got married too and I just got preoccupied with my son and when my son was younger, I would rather stay home then to go out in public with him and risk a tantrum which in hindsight was wrong. He should have gotten used to going out and learned how to conduct himself in public at a young age.

Back to the picnic. I’m afraid I might not have fun but I guess I’ll be fine. We’re going to be in nature, there’s a hammock (I don’t really like hammocks but I’m sure my son would enjoy them) and my son has been to this picnic area before when he was 3 but he doesn’t remember. I’m really excited for this experience because he really doesn’t go anywhere, it’s really sad, but the saddest part is that like I was just worried about my son giving me a hard time there and then my husband started to warn me yesterday. He said if you want to go then you have to be on your best behaviour and you can’t be butthurt by every word that someone says.

Also, he said that I don’t know how to socialise and I only like to go into deep friendships (this is true to some extent but I have learnt from experience that having acquaintances is very important but as an introvert I do tend to focus more on my close friendships rather than my acquaintances and the reason is because I don’t really have a job so I don’t socialize much, except for the volunteer work but I just do my job and leave),but it’s a two-way street, I mean nobody tried to reach out to me but this time they did and I reached out back. My husband also said I tend to talk about myself a lot and people are interested in me and then they get me to talk about myself but then once I open up and they find out the things about me that fill their curiosity, they just walk away.

So now I’m freaking out and now I need a list of questions to ask the people that I’m going with because the one that’s in charge of the volunteering is the one that’s going to be giving me a ride.

At the picnic, there are going to be activities and if I feel socially awkward I can go play with my son. I feel like my son will be the buffer in this situation. He’s a little shy at first but then he gets really social, but he does act silly and I don’t know if they’ll like that or find it annoying. Anyway, I’ll just try to have fun and focus on the positives and be mindful and also socialise. I’m just worried about the ride there because like the woman that I’ve been volunteering for for 4 years doesn’t know anything about me and she’s not the type of person who I would talk to about my blog and my books. I don’t want to show her that side of me.

There are different sides of me so I just want her to know superficial information so I need to have other questions ready because she is going to ask me questions if not out of curiosity but to fill the silence during the car ride. I need to counteract her questions so that she doesn’t ask too many questions.

Does that make sense?

Am I antisocial or just socially awkward?

I believe I’m socially rusty but with practice I’ll get better. My husband believes that no matter how much practice I have, I’ll always be antisocial and socially awkward.