Poetry Friday: Happiness eludes me

I watch the sun rise

Feel the breeze on my face

The power’s out, I realize

But my joy isn’t phased

What is this vibe?

It’s like the stars aligned

Is this what it’s like?

To be content

Because happiness eludes me

It seems like a delusion

The moment I hold on to it

It drifts away

And I’m left shipwrecked

This heaviness in my chest

Is so familiar

I almost forget it’s pain

And I’m flooded with regrets

Shame and confusion

I don’t know why I do this

But this pain is comforting

Sometimes I chase happiness

Sometimes I search for meaning

It’s impossible to feel blessed

With my anxiety like demons

But it’s like

It’s become my identity

Like I’m broken

And I need someone to fix me

Theoretically

I know what to do but

It’s a lifelong journey

And it’s a bit too much

I know that I should love myself

I know I should be kind

But I don’t eat or sleep well

And I occasionally exercise

It’s like I have a death wish

I feel so lost and helpless

I think I’m co-dependant

But I don’t want to be

My hands are shaking

From too much caffeine

And intermittent sleeping

My social skills are weak

I wish I could be put together

Like other people that I know

But maybe they’re all just a mess

And they’re putting on a show

Focusing on myself

And my surroundings

It helps me to relax

And keeps me grounded

The magnets and stickers on my fridge

Remind me of the miracle that is

My sunshine, my sweety pie

The Apple of my eye

I have shelter, food and clothes

I’ll never take for granted

I have running water, who knows?

How long it will last and

I have so much, yet I complain

Does that mean I am vain?

It just means I’m human

And I’m trying

Storytime: Why my writing is suffering

I slept at midnight last night.

Woke up at 2 am because it was the 27th night of Ramadan.

Such a special night!

It’s 7 am now and I still can’t sleep…

Been tossing and turning in bed from 4 to 6:30 (while oscillating between reading blogs and scrolling instagram).

Then got up and exercised.

Me: works out for 7 minutes… I feel like a fitness guru now.

Now I sit with no electricity (welcome to Lebanon).

I was going to sit at my laptop and either watch a movie (I watched one yesterday too. I know, I’m deviating from my goal of no tv) or work on my writing but my laptop battery doesn’t last for more than 10 minutes unless charging.

Speaking of writing, I look at the blogs I posted the past week and I feel like they were written half-heartedly. Then I see my views dropped this week and I guess you felt it too.

Here’s the thing. I’m not being lazy. It may seem like it but I’m not. I’m physically and emotionally drained and my thoughts are all negative. You don’t want to know what thoughts are on a loop in my head. Trust me.

As part of my plan to not complain, I’m trying not to talk too much, because it comes out as complaining, comdemning, and criticizing. The 3 Cs that ruin every relationship.

How am I doing?

1st of all, nobody cares. Everybody is wrapped up in their own issues to care about how I’m doing.

2nd of all, I will tell you anyway because that is how I am, always desperate to talk about how I feel because it’s how I process things.

Physically, my stomach hurts and it’s bloated, my foot has been hurting for 2 months (considering seeing a doctor to try to fix it but sadly it’s not up to me). I woke up sick yesterday. Not sure if it’s an allergy or a cold (I can never tell). I have no energy during the day but I can’t sleep after dawn sometimes. On the bright side, my migraines are less frequent and I can still walk and talk and do light housework and read and write and hear and see (my efforts to focus on my blessings).

Emotionally, I feel very lonely. My friends aren’t texting me back. I can’t hang out with anyone for various reasons. My husband is emotionally distant because he is overwhelmed about the situation in Lebanon. I’m also overwhelmed about the situation in Lebanon and other countries like Palestine but my reaction is I need more hugs and reassurrance and focus on my pockets of happiness (for example, the weather is good, even though I’m not going outside, and I had coffee for suhour).

Spiritually I was feeling good-ish because I was crushing my goals but I could do better in other areas. Ever since I did a self assessment tracker a few days ago, I lost momentum.

Mentally, I’m reading a lot but not retaining much. My brain is fried because I’m tired. I’m writing but it’s not my best work because I’m tired and I don’t want to be negative. Negative thoughts on a loop. Or I go numb and dissociate. Pockets of happiness that don’t last long enough. Focusing on what I don’t have, like a job and a car and a 2nd child and the ability to go on field trips and travel to different countries. Then I remember the number of people who don’t have enough food to eat and I feel guilty for wanting those things. I have food, shelter, clothes, and so much more. Some people in Lebanon have to go to 6 different organizations to provide them with basic necessities.

Let me try to be more optimistic. Talk about the good stuff. My son is my sunshine. He really is making me smile, even when he frustrates me. His smile lights up my world. His questions blow my mind. He still gets piggy back rides from me and he loves them. His hugs are healing. He is so cute and adorable and I love his personality. I see in him his dad’s confidence and my insecurities meshed in one. We have been slacking on positive affirmations but I’m sure to let him know that he makes me happy every chance I got. I don’t play with him enough, especially during Ramadan because I’m so tired, but he has become so emotionally mature that he literally tells me “I want to spend time with you” and when he says that, I do, even if I’m tired.

Like yesterday, I had to take 2 naps. He kept waking me up because he couldn’t fall asleep. Then eventually I told him to set up Ludo (his new favorite board game) so we can play. He won.

I’ve been going on instagram a lot but not posting much (sharing stories doesn’t count). I no longer feel the need to post everything I do or to make each picture I take instagram worthy. I take pictures and videos for memories.

I wish I could take my son places and give him experiences but my husband has a very sheltered mindset. He won’t even take us for a picnic. He is 💯 a homebody and me and my son are suffering because of that. With everything going on, I need to go out and breathe (with my mask on and not in a crowded area obviously).

Anyway, I’ll stop here to avoid going down a rabbit hole of self pity. It’s a sore topic, going out. So simple and basic like eating and drinking to some people, but for me, I must beg for months to be able to go to the seaside (which is literally 5 minutes by car away from my house) for 5 minutes.

Think of the people who have no food to eat, I keep reminding myself. I hope one day I get to go out more. I’m trying to manifest that in my life, whether by a miracle of my husband letting me drive (I have a license but little practice), or if my family start going out again and my dad takes me.

I normally avoid going into personal details but I’m explaining myself (which is also something I’m trying not to do) as to why my writing isn’t up to my standards lately.

Also, are you enjoying the daily reminder? Or should I make it a weekly reminder and put several reminders in 1 post? Your feedback is very much needed and appreciated.

Finally, the Ramadan series are on pause because, although I’m still watching animated islamic YouTube videos, I’m not getting inspired to put a spin on them.

If you have any questions or suggestions for me, please share them in the comments.

Different types of self care

Hello 👋 reader and welcome to my blog! Today I’m going to talk about the different types of self-care. It’s not all face masks and bubble baths. Sometimes it’s a nap or a walk or a piece of cake.

Self-care is important to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself as it produces positive feelings and boosts your confidence and self-esteem.

Self-neglect is a behavioral condition in which an individual neglects to attend to their basic needs, such as personal hygiene, appropriate clothing, feeding, or tending appropriately to any medical conditions they have.

Self-neglect can lead to all sorts of health problems, from anxiety and depression to insomnia and heart diseases.

Sometimes it’s hard to self-care simply because caring for yourself necessitates deconstructing bad habits and self destructive behavior.

Below are several examples of how you can nurture yourself and make self-care a part of your everyday life in the four areas of self-care: physical, emotional, spiritual and mental.

Physical self-care

  • Drink some water first thing in the morning. Water is important for your health in so many ways.
  • Make a menu for the week. Meal planning saves you a lot of time and energy, and helps you eat healthier.
  • Practice yoga. Stretching your body and focusing on your breathing is both relaxing and strengthens your body.
  • Have a mini dance party. Dancing relieves stress and burns calories.
  • Take a quick nap or go to bed early. Sleep is very important for normal function of your body.
  • Take a hot bath or shower. Hygiene is important for your health and helps boost your mood.
  • Give yourself a spa night with one of those face masks. Besides nourishing your skin, it’s also relaxing.
  • Go for a walk somewhere and connect with nature. Walking exercises the whole body, and the connection with nature is an added emotional benefit.
  • Try an at-home workout. Exercise increases your energy and improves the heart function and decreases your risk of getting several diseases.
  • Eat well. Eating healthy foods keeps your body healthy and energized.

Emotional self-care

  • Write down five things every day that didn’t totally suck
  • Take a new route to work.
  • Binge watch Netflix or silly YouTube videos (without also checking emails and social media on your phone, or working on your laptop)
  • Sit in a coffee shop and do some people watching.
  • Go to your local flower market and grab a bright bunch of flowers to make you smile.
  • Give yourself a pedicure or a manicure.
  • Sit on the front porch or balcony.
  • Create your emergency self-care box.
  • Keep in touch. Staying in touch with family and friends gives you a sense of belonging and elevates your mood.

Spiritual self-care

  • Pray.
  • Give charity.
  • Volunteer.
  • Do an act of kindness everyday.
  • Practice gratitude.
  • Practice forgiveness.

Mental self-care

  • Set aside some time to read a new (or old favourite) book.
  • Take 5 minutes to decompress every day.
  • Enroll in a self-development class.
  • Try meditation.
  • Listen to your favorite podcast.
  • Respond to a therapeutic worksheet.
  • Talk about your feelings. Talking about your feelings can help you stay in good mental health and deal with times when you feel troubled.
  • Do something you’re good at. Sharpening your skills not only boosts your self-confidence but also exercises your brain.
  • Take a break. When you feel tired or overwhelmed, stop, do something else like if you’re physically tired, do a mental exercise, or if you’re mentally tired, do a physical activity.
  • Ask for help. If all fails or you’re not finding the time or energy for self-care, ask someone for help.

I hope these tips helped.

What type of self care do you need now?