Can people change?

Theoretically, I have been on a self-improvement journey since 2016, and I’ve read self-help books, listened to podcasts, done quizzes, made charts, downloaded apps, all to give me the premise that I am changing.

Practically, though, I’m still standing with the set of flaws I started with 5 years ago. I still have the same dissatisfaction with my life, the same intolerance to those around me, and the same, if not more, level of complaining. So have I changed? I don’t think so. I tried. Maybe not hard enough.

I expect people to act a certain way, and when they go off-script, I become angry or unhappy. For example, I sit next to my husband because I feel like spending time with him. He is satisfied just sitting in silence on his phone holding my hand because he is stressed and tired from work and the situation in Lebanon, but I want to engage in conversation. However, there is nothing to talk about because he doesn’t care about what books I’m reading or what shows I’m watching, or how my blog or podcast is doing. I want to know how his day was but he doesn’t like to talk about his day, at least not to me. He may share an anecdote from his day with a friend or his mom or sister, but not with me. He doesn’t care how my day went. He just cares whether our son behaved and ate his meals or not.

I like my life, kind of. I’m comfortable in my house. I have my routines. I thank my husband when he helps me out. I’ve been on my A-game in parenting lately, but when it comes to my marriage, I don’t know my head from my heels. I can tell my husband is unhappy, and I know it’s partly because of my nagging. I want to stop nagging. I want to be a ray of sunshine. I want to make him laugh, but he doesn’t like to do the things I like, like going out and playing board games. We have different senses of humor. To him, riling me up is funny, unless I get too angry and explode.

I don’t know what to do. I want to be a better wife, a better person.

Tell you a secret? Sometimes I feel like I don’t like people at all, and I fear I may be antisocial. I’m reading a book called “How to make friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie and he said that to get people to like you, you must like them 1st and give them what they want, but I noticed that I’m the type of person that if I see you giving me, I’ll give you back tenfold, but if I feel like you’re not giving me enough or I’m unsatisfied in the relationship, I feel reluctant to give. Or am I? I don’t know…sometimes I feel like I’m a nice person and sometimes I feel so selfish.

So my question to you is:

Do you think people can change?

Because there is a saying that people don’t change, they just show their true colors over time. In that case, what ARE my true colors?

Theoretically, I know if I stop nagging, things will get better, and when I nag, things don’t improve. It just creates drama and heartache. I keep poking the bear, even though I know I shouldn’t. I keep trying to make my marriage superb instead of settling for an okay marriage where we get along more than half the time. Why do I do this? Is it my perfectionism? Theoretically, I know once I accept my husband as he is, he will start to improve, but if only I could stop complaining, criticizing, and condemning him…

I did a poll on Twitter and it was a unanimous yes that people can change, so there is yet hope for me…

Storytime: When will this pandemic end?

Hello and welcome to my blog!

So I tried this themed thing and I think it has pulled the plug on my creativity and originality and spontaneity.

My impulsive nature is a bad thing when it comes to problem solving and conflict resolution, but it comes in handy when I’m writing.

I wanted to get this post out there before midnight so I’d have posted it on Wednesday, so I’m just going to type until almost midnight and click publish and I’ll edit and add the tags and categories afterwards.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted, but I just had to get in 1 more episode. I watched 5 episodes of gilmore girls today. I do that when my brain can’t stop spinning. It’s my escapism.

I was supposed to be reading blogs but my head was about to explode. Lebanon is a mess right now and my husband is a worrier on good day. The more he worries, the more he goes into his cave, the move I try to reach out, the more he pulls away.

When will this pandemic end?

I’m trying to make myself happy with my books (I’m trying to read but it’s so hard with a 6 year old at home) and my tv shows and meditation and exercise but I need out. I need to go and see the waves. I need to see the snow. I need to smell the flowers.

This pandemic sucks. I’m really trying to be positive but seeing my husband devastated over the economic situation and not having anyone to talk about it to is awful. I vaguely remember having friends. Where have they gone? Complaining or venting doesn’t help anymore so I withdraw.

I had a friend I would call every Friday and talk for 2 hours. She’s too busy to even text me. My sister used to call everyday, but now she’s too busy. I had a best friend but now she’s busy with her new job and her new friends. Everyone else I know is either too sad to talk or too busy.

Am I doing this wrong? Am I supposed to keep myself so busy I don’t have time to talk to anyone? Am I not supposed to have the urge to call or text anyone? Am I not supposed to crave human connection?

When will this pandemic end?

I’ve been spending a lot more time with my son. For a long time, I struggled to spend 10 minutes of uninterrupted time with him. Now I spend up to 3 hours of quality time with him, playing ludo, uno, scrabble, pretend play, arts and crafts, and storytime. But then I feel the need to pull away and I start yelling at him when he wants more quality time because I need alone time or adult time and I’m not getting adult time.

My husband is withdrawn on himself (not all the time if I’m being fair, he has moments of normalcy where he is my dear loving husband or when he plays with our son but they’re rare and far in between) and I see my family once a week and I haven’t seen friends in a year, except for 1 friend whose phone is ruined and can’t converse with me on a regular basis.

It’s midnight. This was a good vent. I’m open to suggestions and validation and whatever thoughts you had while reading this.

Good night

I felt my biggest fear materialize

A friend of mine asked me yesterday “how is not venting going?” and at 1st I thought to myself “I don’t know” but then I started realizing that it’s not going well.

With not venting, my loved ones have no idea what’s on my mind, and then when I get mad at them for not being considerate, I realize that they have no idea what I’m going through because I didn’t say. This is besides the fact that I’m not sleeping well, I have migraines all day, I’m edgy all the time. My ears are ringing, I started getting pain in my legs and my back, my shoulders are tense, I’m spending 7 to 9 hours on my phone a day, and the negative thoughts swimming in my brain are not being challenged because they’re not being vocalized.

I feel more communication problems arise, more resentment and exhaustion. And as my exhaustion increases, I feel that my presence is not that important anymore. I can imagine them fine without me, and it terrifies me because I don’t feel irreplaceable anymore.

I try to vocalize my fears but I don’t see any willingness to listen. Why would they subject themselves to my negative thoughts again? They have been freed of this burden. They have peace of mind, while my thoughts eat at my mind and body and suck the energy from my soul.

I was supposed to write a blog about Aya Sofia today, but my migraine has got me keeping my phone at a distance, so it’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

I just wanted to write that I will go back to venting because it is how I process my emotions. Sometimes I will vent to my husband, like I did just now and he reassured that I am not replaceable. Sometimes I will vent to a close friend, or to my sister like I did on Saturday. Sometimes I will vent on the blog. Sometimes I will vent through poetry. It depends on my mood, energy levels and what I’m venting about.

I think it’s safe to say we are all struggling with our mental health in these circumstances, and I want you know you are not alone. If you need to vent, I am here. If you need validation or advice, please let me know. Any blog topics you would like me to discuss, let me know in the comments.

Why i started this blog

Hey everyone. I started this blog because I’m a stay-at-home mom to a toddler and I want to reach out to people who are like me.

Sometimes I feel like I might go crazy. I’m exhausted most of the time and although I try my best to enjoy my time with my son, sometimes I just don’t feel like playing with him.

Sometimes I feel like a bad mom but I forgot to brush his teeth or give him his vitamins. I’m writing here for those who can relate.

I want to inspire moms to stay strong and whoever feels alone or lonely like I feel sometimes, we moms are a community and we need to stick together and encourage each other and advise each other.

I will share magical moments and exasperating moments as well that happens with me and my son.

I will also answer questions and give advice and take advice from those who wish to give or receive it.

Moms are just humans. We make mistakes. We learn from them. Most people forget that. Even our husbands sometimes expect us to be Wonderwoman.

Also, random people sometimes judge how I deal with my child….so….whatever.