Theoretically, I have been on a self-improvement journey since 2016, and I’ve read self-help books, listened to podcasts, done quizzes, made charts, downloaded apps, all to give me the premise that I am changing.
Practically, though, I’m still standing with the set of flaws I started with 5 years ago. I still have the same dissatisfaction with my life, the same intolerance to those around me, and the same, if not more, level of complaining. So have I changed? I don’t think so. I tried. Maybe not hard enough.
I expect people to act a certain way, and when they go off-script, I become angry or unhappy. For example, I sit next to my husband because I feel like spending time with him. He is satisfied just sitting in silence on his phone holding my hand because he is stressed and tired from work and the situation in Lebanon, but I want to engage in conversation. However, there is nothing to talk about because he doesn’t care about what books I’m reading or what shows I’m watching, or how my blog or podcast is doing. I want to know how his day was but he doesn’t like to talk about his day, at least not to me. He may share an anecdote from his day with a friend or his mom or sister, but not with me. He doesn’t care how my day went. He just cares whether our son behaved and ate his meals or not.
I like my life, kind of. I’m comfortable in my house. I have my routines. I thank my husband when he helps me out. I’ve been on my A-game in parenting lately, but when it comes to my marriage, I don’t know my head from my heels. I can tell my husband is unhappy, and I know it’s partly because of my nagging. I want to stop nagging. I want to be a ray of sunshine. I want to make him laugh, but he doesn’t like to do the things I like, like going out and playing board games. We have different senses of humor. To him, riling me up is funny, unless I get too angry and explode.
I don’t know what to do. I want to be a better wife, a better person.
Tell you a secret? Sometimes I feel like I don’t like people at all, and I fear I may be antisocial. I’m reading a book called “How to make friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie and he said that to get people to like you, you must like them 1st and give them what they want, but I noticed that I’m the type of person that if I see you giving me, I’ll give you back tenfold, but if I feel like you’re not giving me enough or I’m unsatisfied in the relationship, I feel reluctant to give. Or am I? I don’t know…sometimes I feel like I’m a nice person and sometimes I feel so selfish.
So my question to you is:
Do you think people can change?
Because there is a saying that people don’t change, they just show their true colors over time. In that case, what ARE my true colors?
Theoretically, I know if I stop nagging, things will get better, and when I nag, things don’t improve. It just creates drama and heartache. I keep poking the bear, even though I know I shouldn’t. I keep trying to make my marriage superb instead of settling for an okay marriage where we get along more than half the time. Why do I do this? Is it my perfectionism? Theoretically, I know once I accept my husband as he is, he will start to improve, but if only I could stop complaining, criticizing, and condemning him…